The dreams I've had are horrible. Flashbacks are becoming more frequent I'm guessing due to the stress I'm under. My sleep is disturbed by awful images of death and dreams of death. Death..... the word itself sounds scary.

I'm in pain, emotionally and physically. I've yet to call and make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but I did manage to get myself in at the Arthritis Center in March. I've been hobbling around here in excruciating pain for years, missing appointments, opting out of MRI's and other tests, but I guess it's time to face reality. I've just exhausted all my options as far as trigger point injections, physical therapy, epidurals, etc.... I just don't want to have to take pain medicine. I've always hated meds, but since Charlie has passed away I hate it more now than ever. I hate going in there and have her look at me like I'm stupid when I tell her I don't want to try the meds that she suggests. Yes, I'm in pain, but I don't want some kind of medicine possibly impairing my ability to think correctly, and I definitely don't like the idea of getting on something my body would become dependant on. I get nauseated thinking about it. Besides, it would just be another medicine I would have to hide from one place to another, to keep my husband from falling to temptation to relapse. I don't know if it's the addiction process or what, but even when I was on pain medicine after my c-section with my youngest child, he acted like he absolutely despised me for having a reason to take med. He was evil. I've accepted that addiction, no matter how long he stays clean, will always be there to taunt him. I've said time and time again that I wished my brother would have just came to me and told me he was struggling with an addiction so I could have helped him, but truth is, sometimes I get so frustrated with "baby sitting" my husband to make sure he's on the straight and narrow, that I feel like I could scream. I guess I'm not as good at handling things as I thought. I more than likely would have been the same way with Charlie, but then again, he may have taken my advice, my support, and my ultimatums a tad bit more seriously than my husband. Then again, maybe not.

I called my parent's this morning. Dad is still in bed right now. He's really not feeling well. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make his health issues disappear. He's not optimistic, which bothers me even more. He talks like he's not going to get any better which adds to my worries and grief but Dad has always been on the pessimistic side of everything. I forget that a lot.

Jenna, I'm sorry your father is still very ill.

I hope you are able to get an appointment for yourself soon. The nightmares sound very distressful and frightening. Do you ever have the opportunity for quiet, alone time? Do something for yourself? Maybe a little gentle care would offer you some respite from all of this stress.

Take care.

Hi Jenna,

Sorry for all this. Regarding your pain - what is your diagnosis? I've read a couple of books on chronic pain and one on Fibromyalgia. I'm quite a bit better than I used to be. I'd like to help - it's quite a challenge figuring out what to do when the pain is invisible. I've also found doctors quite dismissive so I believe one has to do a lot of research on their own to come up with anything really useful.

They've mentioned so many things and possibilities that I honestly don't know. The only thing I know for certain is that an MRI in early 2009 showed a bulging disc in my neck that was pinching a nerve. Then ofcourse there were several doctors that mentioned Fibromyalgia. Then I had inflammation to show in my blood several times during times that I have what I refer to as "lock ups" when it feels like my hands and feet have been crushed in a compactor, so they sent me to the arthritis center because they were afraid it was rheumatoid arthritis. They checked me for the rheumatoid factor, which was negative, but they did find that I had several autoimmune defieciency's and tested positive for Chronic Mono, otherwise known as Epstien Barr Virus. All the above are often underlying conditions found in people who are later diagnosed with Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis and a few others. I've had doctors ask me if anyone in my family has been diagnosed with Lupus or MS. My Dad was diagnosed with MS when I was in my early teens. I've had MRI's done on my brain where they have been looking for the "gray area" that shows in one's brain when suffering from MS, but nothing showed. I've done research which states it takes several "flare ups" or "attacks" for lesions to appear anywhere in your body. I believe that's why my current doctor wants to do another MRI. I've tried two medicines oftened used for Fibromyalgia: Cymbalta and another that I can't remember the name of that gave me something called "seratonin syndrome" when I took it. It was awful!!

I notice that my emotional mind state and my physical pain react with one another. I first started experiencing the "lock ups" during the time in 2008 when I had a break down. I woke up one morning and couldn't even hold a coffee cup, walk, pull my pants up by myself, etc. It felt like my bones had been crushed. That lasted for over a week. After the first two "lock ups" my last two fingers on my right hand went numb and started to draw up. Though the fingers have straightened almost completely over the years, they are still numb, and my hands are SO weak. Peeling an apple or opening a jar of pickles are all but impossible. A definite diagnosis would be a wonderful thing just simply because then I'd know what it is that I'm fighting against. I guess that will come in due time.

How is your lifestyle? Do you eat healthy, keep hydrated and exercise?

I eat healthy. The biggest problem I have is too much coffee and too much soda. I've cut down to one soda a day, but I want to cut it out altogether for the new year. I drink a lot of water. I don't excercise because even walking small distances leaves me aching and out of action for atleast a day. I had to quit physical therapy because the simple stretches they had me do really put me out of action for a while. A simple walk is the equivalent to running a marathon for me. It really flares up my depression as well, because I've been athletic my whole life. Before I had my son I was 120 lbs, 5 ft. 8 inches tall. I gained 80 lbs during my pregnancy, and am left with an extra 45-50 lbs due to my inability to excercise and a lot of the meds that I am on have the side effect of weight gain.

Something I have noticed that helps is the heating pad. Heat applied for long periods of time loosen up my joints for a few hours. I know it's not advised to sleep on a heating pad, but I do. It automatically cuts off after two hours. I've tried massages but my reflexes are super hyperactive and my joints and spine are so sensitive it feels more like a beating than a relaxing experience. Have you ever tried acupuncture? I don't have the means to try it right now, but it's something that I have considered. I'd much rather get stuck with needles than to pop a pill for pain. If it works, it works.

Currently, I'm taking Tramadol. I agreed to give it a try and shortly after it was pushed into a catagory of a low grade narcotic in my state, but nowhere else. LOL. Go figure. This medicine takes my pain down from a ten on the pain scale to about a 6 or 7.

I'd very much like to find another alternative to pain releif.

You could try cutting out gluten and dairy. Lots of sensitivities to those two and most people don't even know it. EMF sensitivity - do you get edgy when you spend too long at a computer? Digestion - If you are not digesting properly, your cells aren't getting nutrients. So many doctors just brush me aside when I complain of indigestion and bloating. "Oh that's just IBS" like 'who give a damn?' Actually, it IS a big deal. If your muscles and tissue are receiving 3 day old food, you're pretty much poisoning yourself, even if you're eating good stuff.

Tricyclics - caused me to gain 10 pounds and feel arthritic. No thanks. I'll stick with my glass of wine in the evening. Tastes better and works better.

Stop doing what isn't working. Best advice I ever got. I stopped seeing the chiropractors (tried 6, nobody relieved my pain). Saw a physiatrist, kinesiologist, Shiatsu massage therapist, accupuncturist, Psychotherapist, Naturopath. Started running again after a 12 year hiatus. Well, not all of a sudden. Walked, then swam, then ran. Built up to it over a year. All are helping. You might consider a warm water pool if you can't tolerate the cold. Replace housework with walking. Housework is draining and thankless and mostly benefits others. Walking is for you, gets you fresh air, helps you breathe. I think walking wouldn't hurt so much if you weren't so drained. Hubby can move a broom. "It's just like a hockey stick, honey, here just hold it...now move it across the floor...very good...rewards for you later;).

Sleep - is a big deal too. Don't worry about getting addicted. Just make sure the pills you take leave you feeling refreshed in the morning. You can wean yourself off them in a year or whenever you start to feel better.

Avoid stress. OK, that's a biggie when it's caused by a 2-legged creature right in your own home. So you've decided you're going to tolerate it. Then fight stress with everything in your arsenal until that external stressor goes away. I told my naturopath that nothing he was giving was helping me. Then I said, look it's probably the immense stress I'm under - give me something to just SURVIVE it. So he did...and it's starting to work. Digestive enzymes, melatonin, adrenal support, vitamin D, probiotics, acid reducers and a few others.

OK, I better stop. This is becoming a book.

LOL! Not a book, but lots of helpful knowledge!

I wish my hubby figured out that pushing a broom is not so hard once you do it for a second. Stress is a major problem with me. Not only do I have the everyday ordinary stress, but I have things that have embedded themselves in my brain over the years as I pushed them to the back of my mind to deal with later. (One divorce, numerous child custody battles with the jerk(6), being abandoned by someone I thought was "the one" because I was a "cripple", having to quit my job at the advice of three doctors, etc, etc) Yeah I should have dealt with those properly right then and there instead of leaving them to fester inside, huh. ahhh, then ofcourse my little two legged stressors, haha. Stressful? Yes, but the reason I get up out of bed everyday. I love being a mother. It's the only thing depression and anxiety hasn't taken the enjoyment out of.

I was put on vitamin B injections, vitamin d because my levels were half of the minimum acceptance, I don't have digestive issues, those veggies and the fruits especially keep me regular as clock work. I was on a pain medicine that was extended release which left me with digestive issues, so I went of it a long time back.

I haven't tried the gluten free diet. I'll have to research that. I know I need to go off the caffeine, but I've been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Synodrome.... I swear if it weren't for coffee I'd be a zombie.

I have a problem with making time for myself, I'll admit. If I do decide to make the time, no ones willing to accept it, so it's back to the usual routine. Hard to take a stroll down the road with a two year old and almost nine year old in tow. :eek:

I'd think I'd lose some weight now that my son is closing in on the "terrible two's". He's into everything! I take him outside to play in the yard and he just follows me around, but if I take him in the house, he's everywhere except where he's supposed to be. I've yet to understand that. He's so spoiled, he won't stay with anyone. My parent's don't watch him, my husbands parent's live out of state, so there's not really a break unless the hubby feels like he might want to give me a little time to go for a stroll. Then I've got to deal with the little nose that is pasted against the screen door crying "mommy". ohhh the drama.

Another thing about meds, when Charlie died, it messed with my head in ways I think is extremely un natural. I fear taking over the counter allergy meds or antacids because in my warped state of mind now, I think they will react with the meds that I'm on and overdose me. What the heck?! Yeah I know, it's ridiculous and where it comes from, I don't know. Perhaps I fear addiction is hereditary? I feel taking medicine will wake a monster that I don't know exists?

So in the end, pain affects my state of mind, while my state of mind affects my pain. There are many avenues to explore as far as pain relief, but my problem is finding one that works and one that I'm not scared of or trying to avoid.

ahhh, then ofcourse my little two legged stressors, haha. Stressful? Yes, but the reason I get up out of bed everyday. I love being a mother. It's the only thing depression and anxiety hasn't taken the enjoyment out of.

I'd think I'd lose some weight now that my son is closing in on the "terrible two's". He's into everything! I take him outside to play in the yard and he just follows me around' date=' but if I take him in the house, he's everywhere except where he's supposed to be. I've yet to understand that. He's so spoiled, he won't stay with anyone. My parent's don't watch him, my husbands parent's live out of state, so there's not really a break unless the hubby feels like he might want to give me a little time to go for a stroll. Then I've got to deal with the little nose that is pasted against the screen door crying "mommy". ohhh the drama. [/quote'] I had this problem with my youngest. She'd cry inconsolably when I left her at daycare for the first two months. I think she was around 2. Maybe you can find a way to sneak out and have hubby explain after the fact that you've just gone out for a few minutes and will be back.

I feel taking medicine will wake a monster that I don't know exists?

So in the end' date=' pain affects my state of mind, while my state of mind affects my pain. There are many avenues to explore as far as pain relief, but my problem is finding one that works and one that I'm not scared of or trying to avoid.[/quote'] Yes, I could see why you want to stay away from anything addictive. My theory on Fibro type pain is that it is predominant in people who don't listen to their bodies, who aren't mindful (in the present), who suffer from anxiety, who don't stop, who take on too much and who can't say "No". (no wonder it's more common in women!). I've seen it happen really badly in a woman who was all that plus had a toxic husband and a mercury allergy (she had tons of fillings and mercury used to be used in the amalgums). So there can be causes very specific to each person. The point is to go with your gut and follow the path you think is the most likely cure for you. There's a book I'm reading from the local Fibro 'expert'. It's mostly about lifestyle changes - nutrition, exercise, state of mind. Plus supplements and alternative therapies. There's also a section on pharmaceuticals but she warns that there is no 'one drug' that will make the pain vanish.

The important thing is to make a concerted effort to find what works for you in spite of the 'brain fog' that tends to make us want to quit every time we hit a roadblock.

Today Dad was having a bad day with fatigue, swelling and breathing. He was hacking and coughing a lot. Mom said he is getting worse, and expects that he may have to go in the hospital at any time. I'm worried ..... and sad. What can I do? I feel helpless. I'm just not that strong right now.

I have a million things running through my mind tonight. I

Sorry he's not doing so well. All you can do is spend some time with him. I don't know. It's tough. When my Dad went he had dementia. But when I held his hand, I think a piece of him was still there. But he was 82, and his goal was to live til 80 so he got his wish and then some. Your Dad is much younger and still has his wits about him. You can still talk to him. It sounds like you have a bit of trouble with that. Maybe writing out what you'd like to say to him would help.

Thinking of you and your family, Jenna. I hope your father gets well soon.