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My heart is in my feet.


ThePetPerson

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My thoughts keep crashing into one another and I'm sat here trying to make sense of the muddled mess, looking for something to hold onto..

I wake up everyday, staring at the ceiling, waiting to find a reason to get out of bed, though I can never see one.. When I finally move, I put on a smile, and my mind just switches off. I go through my day, acting completely normal, and it feels normal, keeping myself busy, distracting myself from thinking. Then there's nothing left to do, everyone else goes to bed, and I'm sat here, inside my own mind, trapped in my box with no way to escape.

I start to think of how pointless life really is, how hopeless I am, how worthless and unneeded. I feel angry at the world, but then I realize I have no right to be angry. I feel sad, but I have no right to be sad. I have no right to anything, because I am me. I'm a bad person, I feel guilty for being human. I shouldn't be here, in my place should be someone who can enjoy life, someone who has ambition, who wants to be with other people, someone who can accept life for what it is and move on, someone who can do everything I can't. But then, I don't want to do those things. I just want it to be over, the hopelessness takes over, feelings pile up and I'm ready to explode, but I can't cry. It would be wrong to cry, because everyone else can deal with life, but I can't, so I'm a bad person, I'm weak and worthless. I'm a dissapointment to my family, people who care about me, because I wish they didn't care, if they didn't care, then I could just 'dissapear' and no one would notice, and that's what I want, I want to stop feeling, I want to stop being me, because I'm a bad person, I'm weak and worthless. I hate myself, I'm angry at myself, and I need to punish myself.. So I do. And as the blood flows, so do the feelings, I can bear it again, I can fall asleep.. So I do. Ready to do the same thing the next day.

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Hi ThePetPerson,

I read your post and I can definitely relate to a lot of things you are feeling right now.

Not wanting to get out of bed, feeling hopeless. When I feel that I want to end all this, I think about my daughter and my parents, and just like you, I wish that they did not care, but they do, so I go on.

Why do you feel you need to punish yourself? Feeling worthless and hopeless does not make you to be a bad person. It is ok to feel sad and being weak. ALL people feel like this as some point in their life. But then things change, they always do.

And you are already dealing with all your negative feelings by getting out of the bed every day, by going on every day.

You ARE strong. Try not to be tough with yourself.

LoveYourselfOutside-1.jpg

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Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and for your encouraging words..

It's just becoming too much.. When I lived with my dad, I felt like this, but I had a reason. Then things did change, I found a happier life in another home, and for a couple of months I felt like a new person.. Then I started to sink back, and over the months it's gotten worse.. What if this is who I am? What if nothing and no one can help? I don't want to continue..

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