Can you use us as an outlet, Pet?

We'd listen to whatever's contributing to the pressure. We certainly wouldn't want you to pop, and make a mess all over the walls.

{And no, the human body doesn't work like that, unless you ingest your weight in PopRocks, but you probably don't remember those anyway. The problem is that the human mind does work that way, or at least sometimes does. Can you bring yourself to talk about what's wrong, even if it's just to us?}

I want to die. I don't want to kill myself, not yet, but I want to die.

Goshhh, I feel like this all the time. There is still a huge desire to live, but I feel so tired of living and feeling unsatisfied with my life.

But I start every new day hoping that things will change and that is what keeps me going.

Take care!

I know these feeling, O., too... And I agree with Mark's impicite suggestion that it would be fine "to talk about the reasons" of those feelings. It's your blog, you also can make it private (for friends only); you can vent everything you need here...

I hope you'll be better soon ... Take care...

Thank you for the support, it is good to know that there are people that care and are willing to listen.. The pressure is everything building up, all the school work, all the friendships I just can't deal with, my relationship with my family.. I am so tired of being told that I have a choice in the way I feel, because I don't, my feelings are completely beyond my control, I can't look on the bright side because all my eyes see is the darkness.. I have made it all worse for myself, making it harder for me to live a normal life, constantly having to hide my arms and legs for fear of being judged, because people don't understand.. I wish I could explode, because maybe then everyone would see how much I am struggling.. I have found that I can't even drop this mask infront of people, I am always 'happy' until I get away, and my exhausted mind lets the tears fall..

(((Olivia)))

I'm sorry you feel this way...

Yes, there are times when we need a happy mask and it's exhausting to wear, keep it, mainly when there is nobody we can be without the mask with, at least for some moments... It's ideal to have somebody like that in our every-day life, however, you can have, in the meantime (I believe you'll once find somebody... ), at least us here; some friends who care and are here at least sometimes - and most of all you can put down the mask when you're with them/us.

I haven't read much about hiding scars after SI, but maybe in the forum about SI, you could find some advise how to deal with it, how to react when somebody sees them. I hope you don't cut yourself anymore... but in case you still do, I don't judge you, I'm just sad... I wish you'll find very soon a better form of "venting" or "relief" from mental pain than this... What about writing? It used to help me a lot. Do you have a private diary? Could you try to express your feelings in poems? ... You need to "get out of your mind" a lot of stuff and... words are better then explosion or cutting ;-)...

I agree that your feelings are beyond your control - they have their reasons and it would be even bad to ignore them. However, I "suggest" that... we always have "a control" over ourselves, to some extend, and... it's up to us to notice it and learn to use it. (It's hard for me, too; just don't suppose that I'm telling you this as some kind of... "authority who is perfect in this"! ;-) ).

What you could try to control, manage, are the reasons of your feelings. Of course you cannot change everything that would need to be changed! You cannot change your family, ... But you still can try to analyze the reasons and discover what can be influenced by you. I know this is too theoretical, but that's because I don't know much about the concrete facts. So, let's try...

You say you struggle with:

- schoolwork - what's the problem? Time management, your too big expectations (wish to be perfect), your family's too big expectations, ...?

- friendships - Do you have a friend you don't like but can't "let her go"? Do you miss understanding, ...? ...

- relationship with your family - what's the problem here?

I am so tired of being told that I have a choice in the way I feel

Who tells you this? (What (s)he wants to tell you by this?)

I can't look on the bright side because all my eyes see is the darkness...

I hear you... I "accept" this view, as I used to have the same for many years, as many many people have, too... But I want you to know that this is a kind of problem that can be "worked out" in time, it's not something that has to dominate all your life. You're so very young and you've already been through so much very difficult long-lasting situations! Sadly, it's only logical that this all affected you strongly, but, please, do know this is not something that has to take long and that has to be accompanied by SI... I tell you these quite "unusual" words, because I can remember myself being in your age and feeling in a similar way - and my feeling was that "this is my life, I will always suffer this way or worse, I will never see "the bright side" as "normal people" can see"... and I was wrong. I'd like you to know that if you think in a similar way, you're wrong, too. This doesn't mean that now you have "just to wait passively until it will be over" ;-), of course. But it also doesn't mean that you have to feel that you have to deal alone with an extremely difficult task - to overcome this all somehow. It's not really "a task", it's rather "a way"; you have to walk and not to loose hope... Many small steps and some big-ones you can't even foresee now. Just keep walking and don't make the way more difficult to yourself - for instance by more SI, by too big expectations, by wishes to be perfect and to please "everyone", ...

I'm not sure if to add that "you even don't have to wear the happy mask as everybody has the right to be sad or angry or exhausted and to express his/her feelings", because... it is true, but... I also realize that sometimes our sadness or anger or despair is too big to be shown, so we... only are able to hide it... :-(

But don't hide it here; you need a place to express yourself freely!!!

Hugs,

L.