My leg is covered in fresh cuts, some very deep, some quite long. I have eaten nothing all day apart from pizza when I got home, but I purged it. I've been doing that for a while, I'm not really sure why, it just keeps me in control and helps me lose weight, which is always a plus in todays society, you can never be too thin. I don't care for the dangers because I don't care much for life, I've been thinking of it as a means of sort of passive suicide, though i know it won't last to reach that p
I'd much rather maintain my general state numbness and indifference for most of the time, because I find that it makes the depression much less intense than when you find yourself happy for a few days, because the closer you are to the bottom of the dark hole, the less distance you have to fall, which makes for a much safer (yet no less awful if you arrive safely) landing.
Thank you, to my art teacher, for that wonderful piece of advice. I'm sorry for not being able to do my work, I'm sorry if trying to draw anything makes me want to cry, I'm sorry if I keep breaking pencils because I get frustrated when I try to concentrate. You have just confirmed my own beliefs that I'm a terrible, selfish person. And sorry to all the others, who tell me to cheer up, who tell me to move on, who tell me to enjoy life, who tell me everything is going to be alright. I'm sorry fo
I have had enough. I don't know what to do anymore. Even the smallest thing can tip me over the edge. I have so much pressure building inside my head and I can't just explode, the human body doesn't work like that. I have had enough of family thinking I can just get over it, thinking that I just "need to get out more" and put in a bit of effort. I try, I try my fucking hardest. Do people really think I want to live like this? I can't help it. I want to die. I don't want to kill myself, not yet,
My thoughts keep crashing into one another and I'm sat here trying to make sense of the muddled mess, looking for something to hold onto.. I wake up everyday, staring at the ceiling, waiting to find a reason to get out of bed, though I can never see one.. When I finally move, I put on a smile, and my mind just switches off. I go through my day, acting completely normal, and it feels normal, keeping myself busy, distracting myself from thinking. Then there's nothing left to do, everyone else goe