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they keep calling me


Ralph

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The pills want me back. They won't leave me alone. I can remember the last time I called my dealer. It was around a year ago. I don't know if I could even still contact him if I tried. He'd have to still be around and willing to take a call from somebody who he probably doesn't remember.

The sad thing is I have been kicking around the idea of doing so. I've been clean long enough that physically there is no addiction, should not even be tolerance. It's all psychological but there is that part deep down that is just screaming to get high. Because it's the only way I know how to feel good and it has been so long since I have felt actual good instead of just temporary relief from the anxiety that normally has me jumping at my own shadow.

I recognize this as my addiction trying to take over, and I don't have to hand over the control to that behavior anymore. I also recognize that it would be so very much easier to give in. I won't take the step of calling a dealer, but I know that if a connection were to drop into my lap there would be no stopping me.

Maybe it's just easier to deal with an addiction, which I have dealt with already for some time, than it is to deal with the underlying problems that I was self medicating in the first place. Is that such a devil's bargain? We all gotta die somehow. I know it's wrong but it doesn't feel wrong. Most of my mistakes generally start off with thoughts like this though. Then there is the fear that this will only escalate until I give in, but that is only partially true. It will escalate and it will feel like more than I can bear, but it will also descend eventually. The problem is having enough patience to resist long enough for the de-escalation to occur.

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Ralph you don't have to respond to this or even read it but it helps a lot of people to put things in perspective and distract them from their immediate troubles. (Mother Goose I think)

There once was a little ant that was going to Jeruselem. The snow cracked the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem.

O snow, how strong you are to crack the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem

The Snow says: The Sun that melts me is much stronger than I am

O Sun, how strong you are to melt the snow that cracked the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem

The Sun says: The Cloud that hides me is much stronger than I am

O Cloud, how strong you are to hide the Sun that melts the Snow that cracked the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem

The Cloud says: The Wind that moves me is much stronger than I am

O Wind, how strong you are to move the Cloud that hides the Sun that melts the Snow that cracked the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem :eek: (You get the jist let's just skip to the end)

O Man, how strong you are to butcher the Cow that drinks the Water that quenches the Fire that burns the Stick that beats the Dog that chases the Cat that eats the Rat that bores through the Mountain that stops the Wind that moves the Cloud that hides the Sun that melts the Snow that cracked the paw of the little ant that was going to Jeruselem

Where are you in this story? Where are the drugs?

There is always something stronger and the story never ends:)

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We all gotta die somehow.

No one says it has to be soon.

And it's really ... a problem? ... to be in a hurry.

On the other hand, is this really about the "escalation" or about fear of the escalation?

But I know that I had to make the decision not to daydream about suicide quite a few times before I stopped having to make the decision consciously.

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This is more about fear of escalation, and wondering if I can go back to self medicating when I didn't even realize I was depressed because the drugs masked it. Which of course is problematic as I wrote about a mistake in choosing to drink just over a week ago. It always seems like a better idea before than after. Yet if I don't give in then there is the pain of craving, which I guess is weakness leaving the body and anyway craving will only get stronger if I use again.

I'm in no hurry to die, but afraid of life at the same time. So drugs seem like a way to take the middle road, escape life but don't end it completely. Then again, it would be probably death sooner than later since I am suicidal at times. Haven't yet figured out how to stop daydreaming about suicide.

Frazzled, I'm the dog in this story. The drugs come in as the forgotten character, the squirrel. :) Not necessarily stronger but definitely adept at gaining attention.... squirrel!:o

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"I'm in no hurry to die, but afraid of life at the same time."

Okay, so rather than focus on things you've used to try to avoid the fear of life, why not focus on what you might be afraid of and what you can do to mitigate the fear, so you can face it instead of avoid it? {I'm guessing you've done some of this already; my point is to return your attention to it.} Thinking about, um, avoiding avoiding fear may be less effective than confronting fear. And yes, drugs are the squirrel in a dog's mind. You, however, are not a dog. :-)

Maybe it's time to fill some balloons.

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