Cravings seem to have subsided for now. Having some weird thoughts about other ways of acting out but what else is new. I think it was triggered by going off my meds. I can't really afford them at roughly $800 for a three month supply, so I am experimenting with how long I can go without before I have problems. Looks like two days. Back on my meds at a normal dose and I feel like a normal person again.

It occurs to me that I am just trading one drug for another but the meds feel different than the street drugs. The meds seem to prevent certain things while opiates seem to treat the symptoms for a short time. I don't feel a voracious craving for the meds the way I do for the other pills. So one feels like addiction while the other feels like keeping things on an even keel. Maybe this is just cognitive dissonance; I don't know yet.

There is no euphoria with my meds, which is something I miss and why I still crave other drugs. I guess you're supposed to get good feelings from having a family and stuff like that, but when your family is dysfunctional what else can you do? Friends only do so much before they expect you to handle things with your relatives. At least in my experience.

Told my boyfriend about suicidal ideation and he said I could always go live with him if it feels like I have to do that and he would take care of me. So I am fortunate to have that. How that would work with getting a visa I am not so sure but at least I could spend my last days with him if I was serious about ending it. I'm still trying to earn enough money so he can come to the US though so I must not be that serious about that stuff.