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In the dark



This week I realized I still have friends in my hometown. I didn't think they remembered me but I got contacted over facebook a couple times. This while I was slipping back into suicidal ideation again. How warped my perspective was, thinking nobody cared when I do have real friends. Another reason to try and survive.

I miss them a lot and I miss the area. I especially miss it in summer since that is when the weather is nice at home and miserable where I currently am. I don't know many people here and only have a few friends, none of whom I see regularly. This is partly because nobody calls me and partly because I isolate myself. I'm torn between making more friends here, where I have a job, and trying to find a job in my hometown so I can reacquaint myself with my old friends. I've never felt as safe here as I did with my old friends though. It's hard because my job is going pretty well so going and updating my resume and networking, etc. is very difficult to do.

Then there is the problem of my long distance relationship. Should I move to be with my partner or to be with my old friends? Or should I just meet new people here where I have career success. Yes career success can change overnight so I need to be careful not to be too loyal to a company that bears no loyalty toward me.

I feel moderately depressed, but I must be making progress to even consider this. I didn't realize missing home was such a problem for me until recently. Before it was just undifferentiated sadness; now I am more able to assess what the sadness is about. But how much more of the picture do I need before I can make a decision?

I'm also still fighting drug use. It always seems like a good idea at the time but I spend the rest of the weekend dealing with the after effects. I did make it thirty days without using but at day 31 I cracked. Right now I'd be happy to just get off the pills, I'm not drinking too much except to go with the drugs. So sick of using just to get out of my head. Then comes the guilt, paranoia, and even worse depression. It's tough separating out what is the mood disorder and what is the substance use but it feels like crap. Well, I've only got 8 left and I haven't gone out to get more so when this supply is gone hopefully I can get off and stay off. What would be better is if I could push myself to throw away these damn pills so that I don't use them and then end up having to deal with the crash. I'm just scared to throw them away because my mood always changes and then I will regret throwing them out, possibly going out to buy something even worse. At least with what I've got I don't have to worry about scoring again.


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Those are indeed very hard decisions... And you're posing good questions. As this one:

But how much more of the picture do I need before I can make a decision?

I have no idea (in your as well as my own case)... But maybe your feelings will tell you that "the time has come"? I hope very much I won't be late...

Good luck also with overcoming your "cravings"... You've been so good in it so often, that I'm surprised a bit when I see you struggling again. But, well; I can (or at least: trying to) imagine it's very hard...

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My feelings tell me I would much rather be back in my old hometown than here. It's just that my feelings said something different a week ago. There are definite blind spots that I need to address.

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It's just that my feelings said something different a week ago.

:( I don't know what to say, except that it's the same for me (just the context and the "level of importance and urgence" are very different - in my case, related to choosing a job, a professional orientation for my future, but as I don't have to do it right now, I'm only postponing it - however, in my case, it's not causing depression, just short temporary sadness and fears every now and then)...

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