I'm finding myself stuck in fear. I feel paralyzed against doing anything because I am afraid it will turn out wrong. Because I can't control the outcome, I don't want to get involved. I think this is a lingering PTSD symptom, need to work on this in therapy. Hope I remember to bring it up.

Drinking seems to be okay for now. The more I meditate the less I want to drink, and when I do drink I get tired and go to bed instead of drinking more and more. This is good because the main reason I started meditating was to get sober. I lost motivation on getting sober when my anxiety flared up, now I just want to get free from anxiety and that means opiates. However I lost contact with my last dealer since I cleaned up two years ago and I don't even have a way to get any. But if I had them I'd do them. Not proud to admit that, in fact quite ashamed, but it's the truth and maybe if I can admit it to myself I can begin to work with it.

Along the way I developed a porn addiction. While I can't get opiates, I can get virtually unlimited porn just sitting at my computer. And since I'm alone often it's easy to substitute porn for my drug of choice. Now it's a habit, and it's out of control. That's not easy to admit to, either.

This snuck up on me though. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time; I guess with addiction you never do. It's like I just substitute one bad habit for another - drinking to quit smoking, pills for drinking, then finding out pills and drinking enhance each other (in both positive and negative ways), trying to quit it all and then coping with porn instead of facing my problems. Now I've got one more weakness to deal with. I wonder if I can ever be free from all addictions or if I'll keep going around in circles like this. I feel like no one cares. I feel so alone. Yet at the same time, I feel like I am figuring this out, and that gives me hope.