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In Denial


Ralph

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Depression is back. I drank too much on Friday. I always tell myself never again and then I do it again. I can't live up to my own moral standards and the guilt is eating a hole in me. I want it but I don't want to want it. I feel like I've been out of control for the past few days, triggered to use and wanting to use but not having the opportunity. So I do something else self destructive because in my frame of mind I can't remember the promises I made to myself. Maybe I need to find out how I got triggered but is that even worth it now that it's in the past? I need a way to remember that it's not a good idea at the time when it seems like a good idea, because it always sounds like a good idea when I'm triggered. Then I regret it. My therapist doesn't think I have a problem because I won't admit how much I'm drinking. I feel too guilty about it and always think I can handle it on my own by just going cold turkey. I need a different solution, because beating myself up doesn't seem to work but being lax doesn't work either.

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(((Ralph))) :(

May I ask you why you won't admit to your therapist how much have you been / are you drinking? (There's a purpose in every denial and I wonder if you know the purpose of this one.)

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I still feel guilty and lost. I'm doing a meditation workshop this weekend though. Maybe I'll learn something there that can help.

I actually talked to my therapist about my drinking this week after writing the above. She doesn't think I have a problem, or rather that the drinking is not the real problem. The purpose of my denial was fear of being treated badly. Because of my guilt, I felt I deserved to be treated badly and

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Ralph posted:

The purpose of my denial was fear of being treated badly.

Then the problem would be fear, would it not? The only way to change the truth (of any situation), is to accept and face it. To deny that you drank or how much you drank is to do it again and again until you can stand up and say, "I am Ralph and my drinking affects my life." There is both pain and beauty in the truth but acceptance is the key to deciding which you will observe.

Keep trying Ralph. I believe in you :)

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