Depression is back. I drank too much on Friday. I always tell myself never again and then I do it again. I can't live up to my own moral standards and the guilt is eating a hole in me. I want it but I don't want to want it. I feel like I've been out of control for the past few days, triggered to use and wanting to use but not having the opportunity. So I do something else self destructive because in my frame of mind I can't remember the promises I made to myself. Maybe I need to find out how I got triggered but is that even worth it now that it's in the past? I need a way to remember that it's not a good idea at the time when it seems like a good idea, because it always sounds like a good idea when I'm triggered. Then I regret it. My therapist doesn't think I have a problem because I won't admit how much I'm drinking. I feel too guilty about it and always think I can handle it on my own by just going cold turkey. I need a different solution, because beating myself up doesn't seem to work but being lax doesn't work either.