I cut back on my meds to make them last until my next pdoc appointment, and predictably my depression got worse. I was feeling like I could handle it, but I ended up drinking, so I could not have been handling it that well. I keep thinking that I can drink and get away with it, but with a mood disorder the after-effects are more severe for me than for normal people. I can try to remember that but short term thinking gets me every time. I still have some alcohol and I know I shouldn't drink but I can't bear to pour it down the drain. I'm not ready to quit. It's too much of a crutch and I don't have anything to replace it with.
I must be getting better, though, because I am starting to think about what I should be doing with my life. I've never had any personal direction before, so this is going to be hard. I can't help but imagine that I would feel better if I could choose a direction and go with it. Also I have been thinking that instead of trying to deal with my pain I could try creating more positive experiences, which means achieving goals, which means setting goals, which means having some sort of idea of what I want to do with my life. As I look back on what I've done so far, I see a lot of regrets. Wrong decisions made in ignorance and fear that brought unwanted results, or decisions that were right for the me of 15 years ago that are not right for the me now because I am a different person.
I never intended to live to this age when I was younger, so planning ahead didn't make sense. I'm clearly not very good at making decisions, which leaves me reluctant to do so now. However I am going to have to or else I will just keep marking time, running out of the limited life I have on this earth without accomplishing anything. And that is possibly the scariest outcome of all - would it be more of a regret to potentially go in the wrong direction, or to choose no direction at all?