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Want to get better


Ralph

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I am back on my meds but haven't stabilized yet. Still drinking too much. It was helping me for a while but got to a point where the depression caused by drinking is worse than the depression I feel when not drinking. So now my primary coping mechanism isn't working and I have to find something else. I am staying sober just for today. We'll see if I can keep it going into tomorrow or if I end up changing my mind again.

It has been a hard day with a couple times breaking down in tears and having so little motivation that I can't think of what to do. I wish I could just end it, but that would be immoral especially in light of all the people who have helped me. I want to get better.

I have been better, but it seems so far off now. Acting to achieve goals in the long term feels so difficult that I have a hard time doing it, which isn't healthy. Starting to think about values again, maybe I can get from values to goals that I can actually be motivated about.

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(((Ralph)))

I'm glad to hear from you, although your news are mostly so sad. I wish you that your will to get better wins and motivates you, at least, for the beginning, to stay sober and to think about the values and goals...

Hold on; it's up to you to decide 'how bad will your depression be' - at least if it will be enhanced by alcohol or not. I believe you can do the right decision; you've been already successful for long periods of time.

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I am learning that alcohol makes my depression worse, except depression also leads to me drinking. It's a cycle. Maybe this time it will stop. I need to make the decision not to drink but also to work through the feelings that I masked with alcohol.

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It occurred to me that maybe the advises about dealing with pain (even emotional) Beth and Mark posted here

could be useful also for you - for the moments when you're deciding to "fight" the depression by alcohol...

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ok, thanks. I read the suggestions and will give it a try. It's like I have two minds in me though, one that wants to get better and one that wants to drink. It's keeping the second one from being in control that will determine if I drink or not. So far, three days sober though.

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