I'm sorry you are struggling, Ralph. I hope you made your appointment with pdoc.

When you feel happy with your boyfriend, what are you connecting with inside yourself? Are you able to feel that as your light and your gifts?

Take gentle care.

I finally got appt with pdoc but will need them to call in refills before that time. My fault for missing the first one. When I feel happy with my boyfriend it is because he can do things that I just can't, like keep things organized and remember what needs to be done. He's like a stabilizing influence for me, so not sure what is in myself that I could connect with. It's more like I feel safer when he's around and not alone.

A lot of times, the traits we find admirable in others do exist in ourselves as well. Taken further, that's what happens in projection: we believe the other person has traits they don't even have, that really come from our own unconscious. But even in ordinary situations, quite often we can develop those parts in ourselves just by watching how a skillful person uses theirs.

Too, perhaps what you're connecting with inside yourself is the part that feels helpless and wants to be taken care of. It's okay to have those; we all do. Maybe that's the part you could ask to learn more about how to care for it? Or, you could search for parts of you that want to care for the helpless part, and try to help them learn how.

There is a part of me that feels helpless. I see this as part of my depression. Parts that want to take care of me are harder to find, which comes down to feeling that I am not worth it or that I have no idea how to do it properly. When I try to take care of myself it either comes down to me being too harsh on myself and feeling beat up, or too soft and not getting things done. I know I need to find a middle way but that is easier said than done.