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ambivalent


Ralph

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I haven't updated in a while because very little has changed. I feel very ambivalent about everything, pulled in two directions. Can't decide. I know the "right" choice but I don't have the motivation to follow through. So I make the "right" choice and give up, or I take the easy way out and just do nothing. I missed pdoc appt and keep forgetting to reschedule. Kind of scary because I'm low on meds. Hopefully I will remember to do this tomorrow. I did get Christmas cards out today, only took me two weeks of trying to get up the courage to face the post office. I also went a whole day without porn. This is no small task for yours truly. My therapist seems to think I'm fine but it feels like there is something very wrong with me. Normal people don't look forward to spending all their free time in bed, staring at the ceiling, do they? I'm trying to get better but it's so much easier to do what makes it worse. My boyfriend is visiting next week, that will make me happy for a while.

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I'm sorry you are struggling, Ralph. :( I hope you made your appointment with pdoc.

When you feel happy with your boyfriend, what are you connecting with inside yourself? Are you able to feel that as your light and your gifts?

Take gentle care.

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I finally got appt with pdoc but will need them to call in refills before that time. My fault for missing the first one. When I feel happy with my boyfriend it is because he can do things that I just can't, like keep things organized and remember what needs to be done. He's like a stabilizing influence for me, so not sure what is in myself that I could connect with. It's more like I feel safer when he's around and not alone.

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A lot of times, the traits we find admirable in others do exist in ourselves as well. Taken further, that's what happens in projection: we believe the other person has traits they don't even have, that really come from our own unconscious. But even in ordinary situations, quite often we can develop those parts in ourselves just by watching how a skillful person uses theirs.

Too, perhaps what you're connecting with inside yourself is the part that feels helpless and wants to be taken care of. It's okay to have those; we all do. Maybe that's the part you could ask to learn more about how to care for it? Or, you could search for parts of you that want to care for the helpless part, and try to help them learn how.

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There is a part of me that feels helpless. I see this as part of my depression. Parts that want to take care of me are harder to find, which comes down to feeling that I am not worth it or that I have no idea how to do it properly. When I try to take care of myself it either comes down to me being too harsh on myself and feeling beat up, or too soft and not getting things done. I know I need to find a middle way but that is easier said than done.

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