Well, I didn't stay sober this weekend but I didn't make myself sick either. I didn't day-drink on Saturday like the past two weekends. The result is that I didn't have panic on Saturday although I did face depression that felt like a train running through my apartment. Mostly it's because I miss my boyfriend.

I went to lunch with my meditation group and that felt good. Beats eating alone. Then we all went our separate ways and the good feeling went away. I guess I need to be around people, although I am probably the most introverted person I know. I don't want to be the life of the party, I just want to be invited.

I've been thinking lately about life and death and what does it all mean. I'm trying to create my own meaning for life and coming up short. The only reason I don't commit suicide is to avoid hurting those around me, but that doesn't leave me with much of anything positive to do. Depression has taken away my interest in just about everything. I need a reason to live that suggests a direction for my life. I need interests, I need at least a hobby or two.