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Sway


Ralph

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I'm making progress toward setting goals, but it's slow. It occurs to me that this is an improvement though because a few weeks ago the idea of even thinking about goals was beyond my grasp. Still need to find a direction in life. I have taken the time to define some values that I want to prioritize, the next step is to make goals that express these values.

Still sober, 40 days now. Not even sure why I'm doing this anymore. I mean I have my reasons written down, but they seemed much more meaningful when I made the decision to stop. Now I miss the escape that alcohol afforded, and the "wrongness" of it - as if I was getting back at society by self destructing. That and it was a miniature suicide, killing myself one brain cell at a time.

Now that I'm not drinking, I think about drinking even more than I did before. Trying to manage urges without drinking, and planning my life around avoiding situations that might be too tempting. Of course being at home is the most tempting situation and I can't avoid that. I also think about suicide more now. I'm ambivalent about the whole thing. Main problem is I haven't changed my lifestyle at all to have something replace the time spent on drinking, so I spend the time obsessing over it instead of doing it. I know what I need to do. I don't seem to have the courage or the motivation to do it.

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Congratulations on your days sober, Ralph. I hear you when you say it doesn't feel like it counts for much right now. It is so very hard to change the climate inside one's head. Would changing scenery help at all this weekend?

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It would help to change scenery. I only wish I knew what to change the scenery too. No matter, significant other is coming to visit in a week. Maybe I can go somewhere with him.

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