I am not okay. I don't know where else I can say that so I'm putting it here. I'm thinking more about suicide lately. I'll go for a few hours thinking it's the only way out, and the obvious solution, then I'll switch and think that was crazy, how could I be considering suicide. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are playing tug of war with my head.
Triggering event was visit with pdoc to discuss ADHD meds. This did not go well and I left feeling insulted, berated, and hopeless about getting effective treatment for my condition.
I now believe my ADHD is the cause of my depression and anxiety. This would explain why my depression was "treatment resistant" since we were never getting at the root cause and only dealing with the after effects of the real problem.
I left pdoc's office with some Strattera samples. Great, something that costs me $5/pill and takes six weeks to start working. Six weeks of dealing with side effects just to find out if it's going to help enough to be worth it. Hope I still have my job by then. I'm so frustrated.
Obviously I can try another doc, and that was my therapist's recommendation. I'm going to do that, and maybe get a 3rd or even 4th opinion. Heck maybe Strattera will be fine for me and this will all become a moot point, except for how will I afford it? I'm tired of living like this though. I am running out of ways to compensate for my symptoms. If I don't get some relief soon, I am going to get my affairs in order and say goodbye. Wonder if it's too late to buy life insurance?