Still sober but strongly tempted. This is really difficult. Trying to keep a positive outlook but whenever people ask how things are going I find a way to say it in a negative tone, without meaning to. Sometimes I try too hard to be positive and it comes out fake. I'm struggling at work due to my concentration problems. My work is getting harder and I'm reaching the limit of how far I can get bluffing that I actually listened to what the other person is saying. Meditation helps with mindfulness, yet even with that it only helps a little. I don't feel that depressed but watching my behavior tells a different story. I'm trying not to think about suicide since I have decided not to do it, but I can't stop it sometimes. I have no direction in my life and I'm not sure I can even commit to any direction. It would be nice to have goals and values, but I just don't. It doesn't work for me. I need structure but at the same time I can't stand it. My therapist seems to think that since I can get dressed and show up for work and not get fired that there must be no depression there. I don't know how to be more clear that I need help with some of the finer points of getting out from a depressed mode of living.