What a difference a week makes. I am still struggling with suicidal thoughts but no longer going with them. I've realized I can live with untreated ADD for the time it takes me to find a new doctor. It will be a diminished quality of life, but I can bear it. I have an appointment in two months with a doctor at a very well respected institution, but I am trying to find someone else I can see sooner. I would rather have this doctor be my primary care provider though because I agree with their philosophy of spending more time than 15 minutes if needed with a patient.
I'm going to try to be more positive this week. I realize I complain a lot and am generally a negative person. I would like to change that. This week is an experiment to see if that can be changed by consciously choosing to focus on the positives instead of the negatives, which is easier. Will the world actually crumble around me if I stop worrying about it, as I fear may happen? Will I be blindsided by unimagined disasters if I am not constantly scanning for threats? I think I can risk it for a week. Of course if some disaster does happen this week it will be harder for me to see any value in attempting to choose happiness or be positive just through an act of will. It's possible I am just naturally unhappy - isn't that what depression is after all, namely sadness for no reason? Yet some people say happiness is a choice so let's see what happens if I choose happiness. Of course the world isn't all sunshine and roses so I am not going way over into the land of pink clouds and rainbows, just taking a more moderate view than the eeyore-like perspective that I normally have.