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Everything changes



I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on it.


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I was able to spend some time with nature last weekend, and I think I will go back there soon. It was a hiking trail that I got to at 5:30 AM and even then I barely got a parking spot. My friend who was going to hike with me didn't make it in time and was unable to find a place to park, so we ended up cancelling the hike. Still, while I was waiting, I got to spend some time in the area. The weather was nice and there was a certain energy to the place that I found soothing. That may have been the trigger that got me to start pulling out of this spiral, so that I could at least see my pain enough to recognize that it was there. Prior to that it had been a numbness, a very slow self destruction through personal neglect. It was so slow that I didn't even notice it until I was fantasizing about various methods to exit.

I'm having a problem with obsessive thoughts. They tell me to kill myself, or that I need to drink. Neither of which I want. I heard a story the other day from a friend who knows someone that attempted suicide and failed. 2 weeks in the ICU and he ended up bankrupting the family, and his wife is now facing homelessness as a result. This really drove home the seriousness of what I was planning. Not that I have someone who depends on me financially, but that my actions would have very real and severe consequences for the ones I care for the most. I'm afraid to even call a crisis hotline because I don't think I could afford it if I were put in hospital for a 72 hour hold, let alone much longer than that in intensive care.

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Indeed, you don't need to "put a positive spin on it" here. I'm sad for you but glad that you share with us how you really feel.

I can see it's very difficult to have such obsessive thoughts :(. But you're brave - you've been able not to obey them. I'm so glad to hear that you're aware of the possible consequences of your suicide. I wish you a lot of strengths to resist and to get rid of the thoughts.

By coincidence, I've been thinking of you yesterday - when I've been listening to this interesting interview with a writer - recovered alcoholic:


(Here is one of the written interviews with her:http://www.drinkingd...ur-daily-bread/)

I see that her problems (reasons to drink) are different from yours, but maybe it could be helpful for you to listen to what she has to say. (For me, the interview on the radio was very insightful.)

Some months before, you mentioned that some new medication for ADHD (?) was working well for you; do I remember it well? It seemed then that you were doing better. Has something changed in your life that might have provoke this "obsession" and the relapse(s) (-weeks ago)?

And; congrats to being 6 weeks sober! It's an admirable accomplishment. I see it always as such, even if a relapse :( comes later.

Take care!

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Thank you so much for the beautiful pictures. Poppies are my favorite flower, although probably for the wrong reasons! I'm not sure where that lake is, but I miss the mountains. I am guessing Alaska somewhere?

I'm still seeing my therapist but only every 3-4 weeks. I have a bad tendency to hide things from her; pretend things are going fine when they are not. It's because I go straight from work and I am still in work "character" and it's hard to switch to being real by the time I get to her office. Maybe I need a therapist who is a further drive, I don't know.

My medication is still helping a lot, when I take it. Multiple people at work have said I need to focus better, one actually recommended I go on medication. So It's that bad that anyone who knows what ADHD is figures out I have it pretty quickly when I skip the meds. I know it would be better if I take them since they are helping me, but they make me feel kind of like not "myself" when I take them. As a result I go back and forth, risking it when I think I can afford to, and then I go back on when things start to look too out of control. It's one way to keep life interesting :P

However the anti-depressant and AAP seems to not be helping as much lately. Need to see shrink about that, appointment in about 2.5 weeks. I'd really like to do some sort of outpatient or rehab for the self medicating behavior, but I don't want to admit that I have a problem and have that end up on my medical record. I don't think it's really the substance that is the problem - that's only a symptom. The real problem is I have no concept of structure except when it is externally imposed. So I'm really good at school where the whole thing is planned out - take these classes, do these assignments, get good grades - magically a degree appears. Ask me to accomplish some goal where there isn't a built in recipe so to speak, and I get lost midstream.

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Many of us need structure, and that is very insightful that you know that about yourself. I went to a DBT workshop recently and was blown away by the tools that program can offer for surviving life. Have you ever been to group therapy? That approach has individual therapy, group therapy, and a call in option for 5 minutes of help when you need it. Amazing! I don't know anyone who has tried it, but it sounds like the kind of jumpstart a person would need to really get over the hump of some difficult issues.

I'm also reading "You're not Crazy, You're Codependent!" --- it is for trauma survivors among other things.

How does your therapist feel about a phone call? I would think she'd want to know that you are struggling. :(

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I'd thought about group support, but I've tried it before for social skills and it was a mixed experience. What I could really use is an ADHD support group. My therapist is a little disappointed that I haven't put more effort into managing the behavioral piece now that I'm on meds. I don't know the first thing about how to get started. I know I need to make lists and have schedule, routine, stuff like that, which all fine and good, but how do you do this if you have no role models to look up to and no practice. So, getting some hints from people who understand what it's like would probably help.

My therapist thinks my depression and anxiety is a by-product of frustration caused by the consequences of my lack of focus. looking around at my life, I tend to agree. I'm back on normal doses of the meds (I had taken the AAP and the ADHD meds down to half) and I'm starting to feel much better. Worried about my coffee consumption though. Since I quit, I have been drinking a lot more energy drinks and coffee. What I used to make to drink half in one morning and keep in thermos for the following day (it's a really good thermos), I now can consume in one sitting. With an energy drink a little later around lunch.

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Some people swear by a nutrition approach to energy. Have you tried anything there? Raw fruits and veggies can help us feel more energy.

There are apps for everything, too. I know people that are living by them to reach their goal.

I hear you about the lack of role models :( It's very hard to parent yourself, especially when you are already feeling low.

You do music, right? I was wondering if getting a rhythm going could help you start?

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