I've come to realize that it's an invisible existential condition which isn't always obvious from appearances. Most people seem to be thoroughly at ease with the most basic processes of life, even if they aren't technically "elite". Some much more than others and some much less. In my case, I find life difficult in the aspects which are supposed to be the easiest. In that sense, I do think people such as myself are subject to some mechanism (or absence thereof) whereby the negative aspects of life (fear, worry, anger, envy...) are condensed from the moment of conception. Learned helplessness has to be taught, after all.

Oh my, I have all the Castaneda books "A warrior knows the world will change as soon as he stops talking to himself. He must be prepared for that monumental shift."

It is so hard to heal from the past... for me it is always chattering in the background

Hey Findingmyway, yes I have nearly all the books too. Journey to Ixtlan is great, so is Power of Silence, among others. I just like how he illustrates the importance of state of mind and what that enables in life. For example Impeccability - doing your very best at whatever you are doing at the time, as if it were your "last battle on earth", the last thing you ever do.

I love that stuff and it has helped me but I sometimes fret that I have not adopted it and applied it enough. It is so HARD, as Klingsor was alluding to, to change who you are or to grow or whatever words you want to use. For example, I was fearful & anxious as I child and I am so to this day. I can do things to alleviate it from time to time but it always comes back. So much bizarre F'd up shit has happened in my life, one crisis after another, I am always playing defense and worrying what's next. Other guys have women in their life and do cool fun stuff and I can only sit and stare in wonder like a child watching a magician.

The thing that kills me is I don't feel like I am aiming too high. I just want conversation and caring and enough good times to make life worth living. I know the problem, it's not rocket science, no one wants to hang out, much less go on a date with someone whose emotional state is 3 mini gradients from suicidal ideation.

I love don Juan. Some of those stories of his training make me laugh and laugh. The path with heart.

Trauma, however, is trauma. I am sorry for your pain .

Are there any relationships you might be blocking, by any chance? I'm not saying you are doing that, but I do observe others around me that are turning away people out of a dynamic that maybe needs looking at.

I wish you peace and healing.

I think you have to do what you can in life and then just go w the flow. Trying to force things usually backfires.

Yes I love Don Juan too. I started reading Castaneda my freshman year of HS 1977. To the extent that good stuff did happen in my life he was a part of it. I do believe that consciousness holds a potential for us that few ever realize because as the great man says from day 1 we are fed a description of the world and few ever realize there are other points of view.

So many great parts... like the cubic centimeter of chance...

Do you remember when he draws in the dirt the diagram of human capacities? I need to read that one again. You cannot get to doing through reason or talking. You can through feeling and seeing. Hmmmm have to remember where that was....

No off the top of my head I don't remember that. But I love it all. Even the mundane stuff about their walks and the surroundings. I have read a million books and nothing ever transported me to another time and place like his first 6 or 7 books. I got to get back in touch w those feelings of being alive now and trusting my higher mind, my inner warrior so to speak.

Anyway, my job is miserable and my life is miserable and that's just how it is.

Hope something lifts a little for you, V.

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Have any of you been able to see a therapist trained in PTSD by any chance? There is new understanding it seems, and more is becoming available to people.

Have to stay positive, have to keep my attitude and focus together. State of mind and actions must harmonize. I need to find reasons to become excited and engaged in my life instead of the miserable drone it sometimes is. Good things can happen, the question is will they?

At some point in my life motivation became a problem. I think it stared in college. Just when the car gets rolling, I take my foot off the accelerator. It's weird.

At some point in my life motivation became a problem. I think it stared in college. Just when the car gets rolling, I take my foot off the accelerator. It's weird.

Same here. I quit caring in college and stopped idealizing or dreaming. I accepted my life was shit, had always been shit, and would always be shit in the absence of a miracle.