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Forgotten Purpose



I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand.

Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, guess I need to give it more time. I'm concerned about this because there is only so long this can go on before I do start having thoughts of escape. I'm doing everything in my power to reverse it, though, including this journal entry. I wish I knew what I was here for, so that I could just get it done and over with. Why is this so hard to figure out?


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Thanks IrmaJean. I have one supportive friend that knows. I spoke with her today. It helps, but I still feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I'm not seeing reality correctly, that, for lack of a better word, I'm crazy. Luckily I don't have anything dangerous in the house.

Good point, smallstar. I hadn't thought of that, will give that more consideration.

I'm so confused. Things are going great in my life from a circumstantial point of view, why am I down in the dumps?

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Possibly your depression cycles? Do you see any warning signs? How is your self talk? Did anything possibly trigger you? Is there anything that helps you to feel balanced and centered? I'm asking a lot of questions... I know for me, if I am triggered by something, I can really lose my balance and my emotions can be all over the map.

It's good that you are reaching out. I hope today is brighter for you.

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my depression definitely goes in cycles, but now it feels more like a spiral. I didn't see any warning signs. I was dealing with some past stuff, and discussing how to forgive with my psychologist. My self talk frightens me. I have a lot of negative thoughts that don't seem to be me, they are just there. Echos of the way I was spoken to as a kid. No real triggers, just pain. Pain I would rather avoid, but I'm not drinking so it's all just there and I have to deal with it. I had a little blow up last night where I felt like the negative thoughts were actual people telling me to do harm to myself. I was physically shaking and my whole body felt hyper & on edge. It went on until I was physically exhausted and then I went to sleep. Doing better today.

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I'm not okay. Something is wrong. I can't see what it is though, so I don't know what to do about it. oh well. I'll probably feel better again in a couple days so might as well just wait it out. Wondering why I keep going through this though.

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I'm still struggling but at least I've gotten some insight into what I'm up against. I'm having trouble letting go of the past, even though I know I need to move on. It's a grudge I want to let go of, and I think I forgive at times, but then later I turn around and the grudge is still there.

I've stayed semi-consistent with exercise and it appears to help my mood, although physical activity is not the magical cure-all the literature makes it out to be.

I try to cheer myself up with making lists of things that are going well for me right now, and it's better than having things going poorly - yet I still can't seem to appreciate my good fortune. I still want to figure out this purpose/meaningfulness issue so that I can set some goals to start working toward. I seem to do well when I have a direction.

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It is extremely hard to heal from trauma. You might have more work to do on that because that is how deeply an impact such things have. I hope you can give yourself credit for how very far you have come, Ralph.

What would be a symbol of having healed be for you? Would working toward that be meaningful, or is that approach too direct?

[hmmm... I think I'm going to think on that one for myself...]

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I guess healing would come down to feeling like I belong... somewhere, anywhere, just as long as I know where that is. I don't feel welcome on the planet and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. So healing would be meeting that need to belong that I've never quite fulfilled.

But what could I do to work toward that? Isn't that something that just happens, once you have the necessary and sufficient conditions satisfied? Problem is, I don't know what those conditions are. I've tried meditation, which is supposed to help with that, but haven't gotten too far with feeling that I belong anywhere. It would be so much easier for me to simply not exist.

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You are welcome here and we value you as a member of our community, Ralph.

Are there any local community services where you live that would allow you to interact with others and do something positive?

Sending serene thoughts.

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IrmaJean, if you mean things like volunteering, I am getting more involved with my local meditation center since I have gotten a lot of help there.

finding, I get the feeling of alienation from society, but I don't feel like I fit with nature either. There's mosquitoes and scorpions to worry about!

My partner is helping me out a lot. I still feel the depression but knowing that he will be here soon is giving me a lift. Plus meds work better when I'm not drinking. Big surprise, I'm sure. I'm glad I haven't been drinking but it has been hard because it would be so nice to have that escape... just not the consequences afterward.

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