I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myself out of this before it reaches that point.