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Blog Ralph

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I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myself out of this before it reaches that point.


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Yes, overall I am okay. I haven't acted on urges to self medicate, but my food choices of late have been self destructive. That type of stuff will leak out wherever it can, it seems. Regardless I am doing what I can to get back on track, as opposed to just letting myself go downhill without a fight.

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Can you take yourself out for some good food at a restaurant? Let someone cook for you, spend a little money on good nutritious food. A friend introduced me to the amazing cup of soup they serve at Carrabas! Mama Mia, wonderful.

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yes, I have many restaurants nearby. Not healthy though. Italian and Chinese within walking distance, but the Chinese restaurant has a bar attached that has been a temptation for me in the past. Guess I'm not ready to go there yet. I just don't seem to have any motivation. I want to sleep, and work, and repeat. Just getting by.

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I understand you'd want to avoid the temptation of a bar. How about for pickup? Healthy food in the body can help, was all I was thinking. We have some good deli items at food coops.

I so relate to the work, sleep, repeat :(

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I have been getting some good stuff at a grocery called Trader Joe's. I think they are in many states but not all. Anyway, they are kind of like small-ish organic grocery type places but they don't have the insane high prices of some other health food/organic type of groceries. My problem there is I used to buy a lot of their wine & beer which was very good quality for the price, and I still think of alcohol first when I go in there. The Italian place next door is not too unhealthy and has some small plate lunch and dinner items so I may need to drop in there more often.

I am suffering from greater depression lately. I had a long debate with myself over suicide last night. Seems like the only solution, but unacceptable for the impact it would have on those who are affected but don't have a say in my decision unless I involve them. This leads to the topic of my original blog post, which is using drugs/alcohol to cope as a kind of compromise between suicide and living. Feels like I'm such a mess. I've been listening to a lot of weepy emotional music which I am not sure if it is helping or just miring me deeper in negative self talk. It seems to feel better in the moment, but over time I've been sliding downward. Planning to do some work on cognitive distortions tonight.

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Is there anything you feel genuinely grateful for? I wouldn't normally presume to ask that question, but a friend of mine who comes from a tough, tough background says that is what works for her. She knows all too well most things don't fit that category, but she will search to find what she can praise and that helps her.

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i'm sorry. I just feel too depressed to feel anything atm. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, a few people I know don't even have a place to live let alone a car and a job. This just makes me worry about the possibility that I could lose everything though, and how uncertain life is. I'm considering calling a suicide hotline, or just getting a bottle of vodka. I can tell something is off in my thought process if I would put those two approaches in equivalence. Luckily emotions change rapidly, I will see if I can wait this out

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hi, sorry to go MIA for a bit. I relapsed on alcohol and was using that as my solution to everything. Now I'm withdrawing (again) and life is pretty anxious, although it is really not that bad.

I see my therapist on thursday, will talk to her about what's going on then. Tried to move my appt up but never could get to calling.

I need sleep but I had a pretty bad nightmare last night.

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yes, I saw my psychologist on Thursday and we talked about anxiety. She thinks that overall I am doing pretty well. I miss my partner a lot and I hate not having anyone to do stuff with over the holidays, so this is not a good time of year for me. I'm going to try and pull myself out of this though.

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I am still struggling but it is getting better. I am playing music again and reading, which is a good sign. Self-care still sucks which is not a good sign. It's been difficult for me to stay sober. I get a few days clean and then I change my mind and decide to drink for the weekend. Starting to think I may need to go into treatment for that. I hope it doesn't take a crisis for me to get this to change.

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Ralph sorry I don't remember, but does going to AA ever work for you? I'm sure it depends on the group, but was able to get a lot out of going to al-anon for a while.

So glad to hear about the music and reading! Maybe try a new thing with the self care? Hope you get to go for a walk in nature soon.

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I don't fit with AA but I do an alternative recovery method that's evidence-based. They have meetings online and some face to face in my area, but I prefer the online format. I am trying to come up with strategies to stay sober. There seems to be a piece of the puzzle I am missing.

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Is there any grief work you need to do? I attended a workshop on PTSD and they said that often there is hidden grief that is really hard to express that might interrupt healing. A child abused by their parent has to grieve the loss of that parent, even though it is a very good thing to get away from the parent from an abuse standpoint. Emotional complexities can make healing a little more involved (to say the least).

This Christmas I fell into a well of sadness over my father, quite unexpectedly. The relationship we never had. I let go of all that a long time ago, but there is still a gripping sadness that can surprise me. I was very down until it passed through me. A patient partner helps.

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I hope you don't mind my going on a bit more in your blog, Ralph!

I read recently that the relationship to the body is like a parent to a child, and that really made me squirm. ew! I thought. But it might explain why I still have a lousy relationship to my body. Sometimes it's ok, but there is often a disconnect.

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Grief can be sneaky. You think you're feeling more peace...and then...wham...you get hit over the head with pain and loss again. I'm glad you received support, finding.

Ralph, wishing you peace and healing.

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Yes, I do have grief work to do. I think I'm done with grief from PTSD but I am dealing with my partner's serious illness. At first I had to grieve the diagnosis, which I think I got through fine. Then it hit me that it would be a miracle to even get ten more years together, and that is very frightening. So I am still working with that. I have discussed this with close friends though and have gotten a lot of help there. Now, just to put that help into action...

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