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Last night.



Ok. I am having trouble again. I know. Sorry about the ups and downs. I am really trying to keep the chin up but today is really, really hard.

How weird how yesterday all happened. I was all happy in the morning. I had a great night of sleep after my bike ride with the guys from work the night before. And the great talk with D about work... I felt like all was good.

Then we got this news at work that the client was withholding payments on the house we were closed to finish working on. The site was shut down, and we had to get all of the tools out of there. No words from the boss where we were going next. The new site isn't ready yet. It won't be for 3 weeks. So, in the afternoon and with nothing better to do, the crew went for beers. It was a beautiful day... but I started feeling sad. and concerned about my job again.

Then I decided to go to the local bike ride again, because I gives me a chance to do very good exercise, and see a lot of people. But then C was there again and with this girl and my head started racing. My heart sank. I felt out of place. It was a real big effort to talk to people before the race. I thought it would get better after the race...

At the beginning of the race, a girl, I guess was talking while riding, perhaps not paying attention, and she hit a pole in the middle of the bike path. The poor thing. Right in from of me! A lot of people stopped to make sure she was ok. I stopped as well. I was not sure what to do...I wanted to go to her, but then saw the girl C likes rushing to her and stroking her hair and helping her. Again, my mood sank even deeper. I guess I thought 'this is why, or one of the reason why she is with him and not I. She is helpful. she doesn't think about it twice and go help!'

I felt like crying, but I continued on. The ride forcing me to concentrate on just riding. Which was good...Then at the very end, I was going down this hill, and somehow slipped on this rock. It was easy riding at this point, and I don't know what happened, but I really hurt my shoulder and scratched my elbow...

Then I went to the apres. C was there. He looked at me but never said even 'hi'. He just turned away. I felt so uncomfortable. I tried to smile and get into chi chats with people but I was in my thoughts. I saw the girl again. She was wearing this 'cool' brand' that C also wears. She had the right biking shorts, the right helmet, gloves, pack, jacket, shoes. And she is pretty. And nice! And she knows the good riders... the 'cool' people I guess. Some of the ones who I don't 'get', and with which I feel uncomfortable.

I ate my burger, drank my beer, and then felt like I should go home. It was too much of an effort to socialize as I wasn't really there! I was in my thought. Thinking about how inappropriate I was. I couldn't shake it. I was really sad. I didn't want to be alone, but couldn't stop just looking at C and her in the corner of my eye. couldn't see the others around!!!! A wreck!

I came home and cried and cried. Thinking I shouldn't go to those rides anymore if all it does is make me feel bad about myself. But this is my 'friday night', and pretty much the whole town does the ride. :)

And Now my left shoulder is really injured. I am going to go to the doc.

I feel all lost again. I fear this injury is going to come in the way of my work. I am really scared.


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You are so hard on yourself, tour.

But it's not the ride that makes you feel bad about yourself, and wherever you are on that night, you're probably going to be thinking about the same thing.

I really wish there were a way for you to break through, but like a lot of other things in life, it'll probably be more like, one step at a time. Is there any possibility of reviving some of the friendships you listed in your last "good times" entry? People you can get outdoors with who aren't poison, like this guy.

I hope your shoulder is okay. Maybe the slowdown at work will give you time to heal; that would be a bright(er) side.

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I know, it will go away this obsession soon, but omg is it crippling. and painful.

Unfortunately, all the people I listed there are old friends from either home or who live in the old town I used to live at, 12 hours away from here. I still keep in touch, but it's not the same.

Here, there is some relationships like that that I trying to build on and or rebuild. I tried the one with the two kayakers, but seems I can't deal with them. My co-workers is a good one. They are quite young though... There's a couple of girls who are riders that I could hang out with here. I will make an effort to call them up soon. Well, when my shoulder gets better I guess.

Ya, the shoulder. I know! how weird hey? I just hope all falls into place soon. That my shoulder is better, ad that I can work consistently without worrying. About lack of money and debt. About state of mind all down because I can't work.

Sorry, but I am not very cheery today. I am having a hard time!!! Thanks for your comment as always. It warms my heart!

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