Ok. I am having trouble again. I know. Sorry about the ups and downs. I am really trying to keep the chin up but today is really, really hard.
How weird how yesterday all happened. I was all happy in the morning. I had a great night of sleep after my bike ride with the guys from work the night before. And the great talk with D about work... I felt like all was good.
Then we got this news at work that the client was withholding payments on the house we were closed to finish working on. The site was shut down, and we had to get all of the tools out of there. No words from the boss where we were going next. The new site isn't ready yet. It won't be for 3 weeks. So, in the afternoon and with nothing better to do, the crew went for beers. It was a beautiful day... but I started feeling sad. and concerned about my job again.
Then I decided to go to the local bike ride again, because I gives me a chance to do very good exercise, and see a lot of people. But then C was there again and with this girl and my head started racing. My heart sank. I felt out of place. It was a real big effort to talk to people before the race. I thought it would get better after the race...
At the beginning of the race, a girl, I guess was talking while riding, perhaps not paying attention, and she hit a pole in the middle of the bike path. The poor thing. Right in from of me! A lot of people stopped to make sure she was ok. I stopped as well. I was not sure what to do...I wanted to go to her, but then saw the girl C likes rushing to her and stroking her hair and helping her. Again, my mood sank even deeper. I guess I thought 'this is why, or one of the reason why she is with him and not I. She is helpful. she doesn't think about it twice and go help!'
I felt like crying, but I continued on. The ride forcing me to concentrate on just riding. Which was good...Then at the very end, I was going down this hill, and somehow slipped on this rock. It was easy riding at this point, and I don't know what happened, but I really hurt my shoulder and scratched my elbow...
Then I went to the apres. C was there. He looked at me but never said even 'hi'. He just turned away. I felt so uncomfortable. I tried to smile and get into chi chats with people but I was in my thoughts. I saw the girl again. She was wearing this 'cool' brand' that C also wears. She had the right biking shorts, the right helmet, gloves, pack, jacket, shoes. And she is pretty. And nice! And she knows the good riders... the 'cool' people I guess. Some of the ones who I don't 'get', and with which I feel uncomfortable.
I ate my burger, drank my beer, and then felt like I should go home. It was too much of an effort to socialize as I wasn't really there! I was in my thought. Thinking about how inappropriate I was. I couldn't shake it. I was really sad. I didn't want to be alone, but couldn't stop just looking at C and her in the corner of my eye. couldn't see the others around!!!! A wreck!
I came home and cried and cried. Thinking I shouldn't go to those rides anymore if all it does is make me feel bad about myself. But this is my 'friday night', and pretty much the whole town does the ride.
And Now my left shoulder is really injured. I am going to go to the doc.
I feel all lost again. I fear this injury is going to come in the way of my work. I am really scared.