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OMG, this hasn't happen to me in a while now. As I write this, I am having a bout of anxiety. And I am not quite sure why.

Maybe it's because I can't go to the local bike race tonight because of my shoulder? I am not at ease because I don't know what to do with my night, and tomorrow... I don't want to be alone. Ok, tonight I will not be alone. I am having dinner with one of my best friend "M". Maybe I'm having fear of set backs in my biking? Not that it was going that well to begin with. I uf an puff.

Maybe because I am going to the doc like in 20 min and I am apprehensive of what he's going to say about the shoulder?

Maybe because I am about to send my tax form for the past two years? Taxes always give me anxiety in the past...

I did had a good day today though. I did a Workplace first aid course with a lot of the guys at work. We all got %100 or near 100% in our test...and it was actually fun.

But my foreman, and also my project manager were there and everybody was asking me about the shoulder and when I was coming back to work... and that there wasn't a lot of work right now...

Maybe all of the above. But nothing is really happening that's threatening. WT heck?

Oh dear! What is going on? Deep breaths. uhg. Keep on going with the plan I guess. Talk to M about my anxiety.

Argh. Not feeling to good. Belly is all weird.

I am ok. I am ok.


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well that's alot of different things in your head tour, I can see why you would be anxious. And yeah, maybe maligns onto something, even though you usually wind up upset after the race due to C , I think part of you looks forward to seeing him there, and that gives you the hope of talking to him and him being nice to you. But maybe it's good for you not to go for a couple weeks, maybe help you let go a little bit. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time tour, I know how hard it is when a guy is involved. So, now, this is probably the wrong question, but is there any chance you could get back with C? It just seems like you would be so happy if you could be with him. Well I hope you have a good night with your friend and that she keeps your mind occupied. And hey, good construction weather is here so maybe things will pick up. And yes, you will be ok, just like you tell me. Here's to a better tomorrow.

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Ya, it's also where I run into C. Seems like I run into him even if I don't go to the race. That same evening, I was just crossing the street, in my ugly clothes, and looking all fat, as I gained some weight again [argh] going to the dr appointment, and he passed by in his truck, honking and waving?! Trying to be the 'nice' guy?

I don't know, it just made the anxiety worst and fought tears at the dr. Then I went to join friends at the pub for a friend's bday, and proceeded to drink too much. I just don't like to do this. I know it was because I was all down and out.

I don't think there is a chance of me getting back with him. He's made his choice. I think he's just trying to be mr. nice guy now. :)

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Aw, tour. I was going to joke that maybe he's stalking you! But I'm a mean teaser. I wish I could help you get past this; I know there are guys out there who're just waiting for you to notice them.

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Oh how I wish he was! Ah! funny thing is, I remember when we were going out, it happened a couple of time where we were at my place, and he just opened the fridge door and started looking in the fridge! Like he was checking if I was eating well or something... I was like 'are you hungry? Are you looking for beer?' [he likes beer a little too much. sigh] 'but he was like, nop, just checking what you have in there' [!?]

Or this one time, he was in the bathroom for a while and I kind of heard a door closing gently, and rumbling through stuff... Checking for I don't know what?

I hope theirs [good] guys looking for me! I really do. And, I hope I will notice them! Right now, I am in a bad pattern of hanging with the wrong people I find though. My best friend R is great but she hangs out with drinkers and people who do not much more than just hang out. no sports, no nothing. And, it's just facility that keeps me going back to hanging out with her. But I must stop, as it may not affect her to hang out around these people [and they may be nice, in a way] but it affects me! I don't want to drink that much anymore, I feel like I am wasting my time! Makes me smoke and meet just people who smoke and drink! And I don't want to have a life like this. I know I will slowly change the people I hang out with. And right now, I have a hard time being alone, so I just go hang out with R, because I can 't do too much with the shoulder thing...

But again, as for my friend Barns, who was doing and selling drugs before, and just turned his life around, quit his girlfriend who was a bad influence on him... He did it! And he is extremely strong like that, but it's a great inspiration and a remember that I can make choices.

And as per the 'C' problem, well ya, I hope I will see the light and find a solution to this. I just don't know what it is, apart from thought stopping when I can, and keeping on doing my things. and hanging with people who appreciate and support me. It just doesn't seem to work very fast [or effectively?] as the pain is still freakin there after 2 months!!!!! and it also makes it hard for me to consider other guys! I feel it!

But, your joke is actually good! I liked it you know. FREAKIN STALKER HE IS, get away stalker, or else :)

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