Well, Y is over me. I am not over him. I know why. It has nothing to do with him really. Being with him was a way to feel safe. Like I had accomplished something. My desire to be with a partner. Of course I liked him, but there's more to this than that. It was a way to look forward to something that I found exciting. Something that responded to one of my deepest needs.
Now what. Yah, back to alone. But not entirely by myself. Finally, my tactics, although the improvements are minimal, have worked. For now at least. I suppose I now realise, as I realized a thousand times before, that I can handle the pain, the anxiety, the depression. It goes away.
There are other areas in my life that I can concentrate on. Other people. And there is me.
So, yah. I am back... for now.
It's been a real struggle! Reaaaaal! I can tell you that much. Those 'my life sucks' I am such a moron', 'I don't do anything, don't feel like anything'', etc etc. Keep on coming back, but less. Retriggering myself is some sort of torture that I do by habit, when I am bored. But now I have armed myself with tools. And I know what for the most part, is going on. I fight the monster. The habits.
There's not much more to say. Except thanks to those who have helped and cared.
Today is a good day. I am grateful for it.