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it's come to this



Well, Y is over me. I am not over him. I know why. It has nothing to do with him really. Being with him was a way to feel safe. Like I had accomplished something. My desire to be with a partner. Of course I liked him, but there's more to this than that. It was a way to look forward to something that I found exciting. Something that responded to one of my deepest needs.

Now what. Yah, back to alone. But not entirely by myself. Finally, my tactics, although the improvements are minimal, have worked. For now at least. I suppose I now realise, as I realized a thousand times before, that I can handle the pain, the anxiety, the depression. It goes away.

There are other areas in my life that I can concentrate on. Other people. And there is me.

So, yah. I am back... for now. :)

It's been a real struggle! Reaaaaal! I can tell you that much. Those 'my life sucks' I am such a moron', 'I don't do anything, don't feel like anything'', etc etc. Keep on coming back, but less. Retriggering myself is some sort of torture that I do by habit, when I am bored. But now I have armed myself with tools. And I know what for the most part, is going on. I fight the monster. The habits.

There's not much more to say. Except thanks to those who have helped and cared.

Today is a good day. I am grateful for it.

Good day!


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Great to hear from you toury!!!! :)Is there any way to fill your senses to the brim while you heal?? Beautiful scenery, nice smells, a long shower, full breaths? To me that's part of what we miss in a love relationship, it is such a full senses experience, but other things can be too, and attending to that might help a little.

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Finding, ya, you're right. Right now I am working a lil so it's good, keeps my attention away from the 'guy'. It only lasts until tommorrow I think, so, I hope I can keep the good mood...and, ya, When I come home though it is a little tougher. but, all these, are good. I just have to remind myself of being grateful, wish I don't do enough.... I focus on the bad, and I am not grateful about the good. I am surrounded by amazing senery... if you could only see, you would shake your head and go wwhhaaaaa? Seriously.

Nice smells, well, between cigarettes I do smell nice...Long showers, mmmm, love them. Full breaths, I don;t do enough.

So to add to the list:

- full breaths,

- gratefulness

- do what I need to do, when people invite me, and they are good people, go, even if I don't know them that well...

- continue to pay attention to my good friends

- continue to take care of myself

- practice patience

- practice contentment

- practice smiling even when not to hot

- no revange

- discipline


thanks, I am hoping too!

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I have racked my brain so much trying to figure out what it is that makes me so lonely, so sad. I have gone out with guys that don't care about me. That found me somewhat interesting. Well, now I am glad I am not with them anymore. Tonight, friday night of all nights, I don't feel lonely. I know why. It's because I have waisted time on the net. looking for what 'they' are doing... 'they are all having fun' they are all with girls that are better for them then I... but at the same time, I have found that it;s better like that.

woow. right now, at this very moment, I am ready to let them go. The ones I have hold on to so much in the past two years: the D, C, and Y... they are useless to me now. D was just confused and not dealing, C had nothing to say and couldn't open up, not just to me, but to a bunch of fantastic other girls out there I've learned... Y, well another confused one, who's afraid of women, they might steal his soul. They just weren't for me. at all. I don't know if I am over them but, right now it certainly feels like it and I am ok. finally. for now anyway.

so now it's me time. nothing wrong with that. I had a good week this week. Yesterday, I went to the little pub again. I saw M, Y's friend, who was ignoring me before and giving me the evil eye. But, to my surprise, she came to me that night, and told me she liked the illustration i did for the forest fires! It filled my heart with joy. I feel grateful to her for braking the wall again.

I am almost at peace. with most things. there are a few more things that need alignment right now. but letting go of those guys I didn't want to let go for so long feels great. Renewing with a girl I did respect before 'all this' feels great. Working, if only for this short period feels great.

And I met up with one of my long lost friend K today! She's starting a company and wants me to help out with design. that was great.

My friend m called also. he is a great spiritual inspiration to me. So many things were great today! Ahhhh!

I can go to bed now. at peace.

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