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Yet another


tourdelove

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Some little updates.

First, I didn't talk to my friend's boss yet. don't know what to say and I am a bit scared.

I haven't seen Y in 3 weeks now. I'm doing ok about it but still wish I could see him. We all know why. Needy, needy.

I went for a bike ride with one of my good friends the other day. And then hung out with her for a little bit at her place. For some reason we got onto the subject of our childhood. She told me she got beaten up to when she was a kid, and that her little sister, who happens to be an engineer, just like my bro, was the favorite child as well. How weird. She is doing incredibly well and never would I have known that she had been in the same situation as I. Life is full of surprises. Funny in a way, she is so outgoing, but she is needy too. With her boyfriend that she adores. He is a really good guy too. I can understand. She was telling me, about the whole Y thing, that with her own boyfriend, it's only because she was going away on a 3 months trip that she ended up being with Curt. She said, otherwise, he would have probably dumped her for being too needy. It's only because he had a whole lot of time to miss her that he came to his senses. I hope they stay together for long. I love them both.

I have dropped of my resume for some $12 an hour filing job. No calls. Over qualified? Ya, well, also under employed.

Some good thing but scary: My old work in construction called me to do first Aid attendance on a site! that is so good! My old project manager James is a star. He got it for me. but they also want me to update their website, which I am totally out of the loop now. I hope I can figure it out. It's a bit of programming. I've been out of the whole web thing for 7 years now so. It's a real scary challenge. I hope they wont be disappointed and sack me again.

I did a very good illustration for the cover of a lil local paper. I don't know if they think it's any good, but I do. I put Y's dog in there... I wonder if he will notice. I always do that. I like to put something in reference to my personal life in all the illustration I do. It's always subtle and most of the time only I notice. I am not sure why I do this. It's commercial art. And it's impersonal. I make it personal when I can. The editorial I was doing the illustration for was about the recent fires in the area Y lives. It pretty much reminds me the end. That's when I found out he was still texting his ex. When I asked if he was into it or not. When he dumped me.

that's it.

I am feeling a little better today.

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Weekend was ok. But still feeling like I m sinking. Apparently Y asked my friend if she had talked to me recently twice this week. But she told him 'we don't just talk about you'.... Doesn't mean he's contacting me. :) What does this mean????? And why do I still miss him. He was all upbeat she said...when he called her about her car, but she thought he must be missing me if he's asking. Ya right.

Nobody misses me.

I have the blues pretty bad.

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Tour, you're not allowed to be down. :-P

For instance, we miss you.

It sounds like he's checking on you, to see if you're alright. Probably not in a romantic way, but I doubt that he would want you to be more hurt than necessary.

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why would he do that? In the real world, I present myself as "alright", smiling... His friend Marty has seen me many times since he dumped me. I was always with 'friends' [as it appeared] and was smiling. What the heck does he need to know? To me, it's more like he wants to know that I talk about HIM, more than if I'm ok.

Perhaps I am glad that he asked, twice apparently. Sort of like, my opinion counts in a small stupid way.

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Okay, I could be wrong. :-) Maybe he's insecure enough to worry about what you might be saying about him. Maybe you know his deepest darkest secret (or some national-security thing he talked about in his sleep). Maybe you're not aware of it, but he's worried you might be working for an unnamed foreign superpower and he has to decide whether to call in an airstrike on your house.

Or maybe I'm just silly and trying to cheer you up.

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yea well you got a tiny smile out of me, which is pretty impressive at the moment. He should be worried. I do know his dark secrets. But who cares. It's not like I'm going to spill them out. I bet he is worried about what I say about him. His rep is so important to him, it;s not funny. but anyway.

On the job front. I work for this week. and then nothing again. I thought this was going to be good with my old job, but it looks like the guy who rehired me got in trouble for it. they don't want a broken girl. the two project managers I am working with are super nice and want to do everything to keep me on, but, not the big boss. I don't like feeling like this is a charity show. Even if it isn;t. I don;t know what to do, the energy level to go and 'get them tiger' is lowwww.

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Apparently, I haven't found the right thing yet. :-)

Toury, can you go back to your basics -- those lists of things you did a while back -- and use them again to help you find your core?

You're still you, as likable as ever, all the good things you had going into this relationship are still there. One guy, that's all, just one guy, happened not to see them. That's not the same as you not having them.

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Um, "they don't want a broken girl"? I'm going to report you to the Thought Police. :-P I bet they never said anything of the sort. Plus, you're being recycled even as we speak.

But yeah, you need to take anti-depressive steps. Get up, clean yourself up, get out every day, exercise any way you can. That 'energy level' stuff is the worst part of depression.

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I know, and I actually do that, but it's not kicking in right now. And they did say that the big boss didn't want 'a broken girl'. The slap in the face keep on coming. I can think on the bright side. I just finished a design contract [payed not so well but ok], and the sales rep said she hopes to work with me again next year because I responded fast and her clients loved the ads I redesigned for them.

But as far as the little things, I do do them. I get up at 6;30 in the morning and I do what I have to do, but right now it feels very difficult. I have hasslebot.com reminding me of what I need to do in my emails, I've set myself up to not get completely down, but seriously, it's a real struggle. it's been like that for two weeks now and not improving so much.

My therapist doesn't return my calls. And I have one more therapist I might be able to work with but she works in the next town and I don't know if she still wants to take on individual therapy... well, last time we talked about 2 months ago.

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Well, a big boss with that attitude deserves the "unbroken" people he manages to keep ... It still says more about him than about you, even though I know it must have felt like a slap.

I think the positive feedback from the design contract should count at least as much, if not more. That's creative and personal, for one thing. Remember how much you were worried that you might not do well at it after so long? It can be difficult to remember to pat yourself on the back for successes at least as much as you worried about failure. ;-)

Why doesn't your therapist return calls? That sounds like a really good reason to have another therapist ... You seem to have all your bases covered, as usual, so I guess I should shut down Advice Guy and bring out Supporter (his nickname is Jock) and Teaser. :-P

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She doesn't return her calls cus she doesn't need to work I guess. And she always said she does only 'short term' therapies or something.

the big boss is a difficult man indeed. Sometimes I fear working for him because of that. He does have blow ups often... But his next down people, James, and now this Steve guy are really good bosses. It's just that my position is not approved and frankly, right now, I must say I see why, not much to do here.

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