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The Fairy Godfather, part 3 [reprinted]



Having thought long and hard about what to do with the ogre, and not having come up with anything even remotely believable, the fairy godfather knew there was just one thing to do: wing it.

So he clicked the ruby slippers together and set off to find the ogre. Luckily, we get to skip the search, since it was long and arduous and other good dictionary words. After a while, though, he saw the ogre's head through the trees. The ogre was crouched over some dry bushes, cracking his stolen flints together in a vain attempt to strike a spark. Ogres, being evil creatures made of stone, are not allowed a Spark of Life, but that didn't stop him from trying.

The fairy godfather set the slippers on hover and tried to talk some sense into what was in effect an ambulatory rock.

"You know, there's no way that's going to work. Ogres aren't allowed a Spark of Life." Smack! The ogre swatted the fairy godfather like a fly, without even looking up.

Things would have gone badly for the fairy godfather, if it weren't for the fact that fairy godfathers are indestructible. They're not immune to pain, however.

"Ow! What'd you have to do that for?"

And the godfather thought to put an end to the problem by waving his wand, which usually made anybody he waved it at so happy that they would do anything he said.

Of course, this didn't work on the ogre; anyone who's ever read the wand User's Manual knows that only living things are suitable targets for the wand, and ogres don't qualify. However, the wand hadn't come with a manual, and neither, for that matter, had the ogre.

Hmm. What to do now? How to deal with a small walking mountain with no manners? He thought and he thought, and finally a light-bulb came on over his head. One of those twisty neon ones, because fairy godfathers care about the environment. He knew that there was a military base nearby, where they stored nuclear weapons.

And so off he flew, this time much more quickly, because the slippers knew right where they were going, having once belonged to a camp-following godmother. He dropped lightly to the ground in front of a grey-green bunker deep in the military complex, waved his wand at the guards, who lost the inhibitions imposed on them by Their Majesty's drill sergeants in boot camp and began kissing. After watching in startled surprise for a moment, the godfather nicked their keys and went inside.

He flicked on a light, which to his annoyance was an ordinary wasteful bulb, and began rummaging through the boxes on the shelves. Finally he found what he sought. From a shoe-box sized container full of cushioning foam, he pulled a small nuclear device. It was shaped like a rugby ball and had long sharp bomb fins on one end, probably the back. Just the thing!

Carefully extinguishing the light, then unscrewing it and taking it with him, the godfather quickly returned to the ogre, who was still trying to strike a spark. I guess ogres don't do Scouting, so much.

The simplest thing, of course, would be to get the ogre to swallow the nuke. However, since metal rugby balls are not known to be a part of the ogre diet, not even for weight loss, he didn't see exactly what to do next.

So again, he thought and he thought, being not all that bright, as fairy godfathers go. Finally, he came up with a plan.

He flew up and snatched one of the flints out of the ogre's hand and dropped it on the ground. As the ogre bent to retrieve the flint, he flew quickly round the back and forced the nuke up the ogre's bum, twisting carefully to ensure that the fins kept it from being expelled again. Then he flew as fast as he could, as far as he could, as soon as he could, which because he was a fairy godfather, was pretty fast, far, and soon.

The nuke, not having been designed for conditions inside the lower digestive tract of an ogre, decided that it might as well go critical, since the alternative was to spend a very long time inside a very dark and very smelly place.

There was a pop, and the ogre straightened up, its eyes popping. Then a spout of smoke tooted out of each ear, and he toppled forward, crumbling into rubble as he fell.

Thanks to the insulating properties of the ogre, it was not long before it was safe for the fairy godfather to return, to retrieve Sulking Sue's flint and tinder. Snatching them up, he returned to where he had left her, back in part 2.

[To be continued.]

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