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Too Much Help?



Hmm, well, as I was delaying getting out of bed this morning, I was thinking a string of bad things about myself. I'm not sure whether it would help or hurt to be specific, so I won't.

It occurred to me that, if I were to blog about the things I was telling myself, I would be sure to have many friends jumping in to tell me about all the good things I do. They wouldn't be lying. I do many things that are good; I realize that. And they would only be trying to help by telling me about them.

The problem is that it makes (part of) me quite angry to hear those responses. Sure, these feelings are negative, and might need to be countered eventually, but they're my feelings, at least some of the time. It's as if people are trying to tell me not to feel them, as if the idea of the "positive guy" having doubts throws their own situation into disarray. Listen, if any of you are building your recoveries on me being some kind of hallowed guru, I'm quite worried for you. Far better to build them on something solid, like yourselves. Perhaps this is partly the price I pay for not posting personal stuff for a while; people think I'm "okay" now. Well, I'm better, but that has its limits.

The part of me that we've just heard from is one I call "Bitter Guy". Y'all don't see him on the forums much, because as you can see, he isn't really all that supportive. But he's in there, nevertheless, and I think he sometimes feels slighted because I don't show him to you very often.

Not really sure where I'm going with this; I just thought you ought to know there's more to me than you've seen elsewhere.


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He isn't trying to be bad. He's trying to take care of me by "keeping me realistic". Basically trying to make sure I know what my flaws are, so that they don't get out of hand. He doesn't enjoy being insulting; he just thinks it's necessary.

His dream world isn't that hard to imagine. He wants me to be safe and capable of taking care of myself. He's just really irritated that I'm not.

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He's not wild about it. :-)

It's the source of so much of our troubles, isn't it?

Keep in mind that, as a defender, he isn't interested in the beneficial aspects of ... well, anything, really.

Only how it could be used against me, how it could hurt me.

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Well, first, I never said he's doing it all correctly.

Telling me not to expect good things keeps me from being disappointed. Plus, it may be his genuine experience of things; remember, he doesn't see the good things that happen. Those don't matter to him. He just sees the times that I fail, that I get hurt, when he has to step in to fix things. His narrowness of focus pretty much prevents him from making balanced decisions.

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And if there is a part of you that is in the learning and developing phase, is that permissible?

I don't mean to hound you, malign. I think many people here can relate to this driven side of you. Mark D says I have some perfectionism with my struggles over work. It's a part of me I can't seem to help, that I am powerless before. We survived up to this point by the graces of these parts of us.

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Well, he's definitely uncomfortable with the concept of not knowing everything, of having to change and try something new. All of that is scary.

The difficult part, of course, is parts that had survival value at one time, but need to be adjusted now. I know you know this; I'm just clarifying.

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