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everything was supposed to start to get better this year but it hasn't. now this year's nearly over and everything is so much worse than it was. i didn't think it was possible for things to get worse but obviously i was wrong. i hate my life. i know i say it over and over and over but it's true. i hate everything about it. i hate how my family make me feel and i hate the person i've become. they hate me too. everyone hates me. everything's so confusing. i spent most of today on my own. noone would talk to me because i took a sick day from work. it's all so stupid. i already felt bad enough because i wasn't feeling good but they made me feel so much worse. when any of my friends are sick, their parents are at least nice to them and try help them feel better but mine are always the opposite. i don't understand it. they really hate me and i dunno what i've done wrong. they don't want me here. they said the only reason they let me come home here at the weekends is so i can go to work and if i lose my job, that's it. it's no longer my home and i'm not welcome here. i can't stop crying. they keep hurting my feelings more and more. i should be able to block it out by now but i can't. they don't care about me. i hate christmas. i hate being at home, i hate college, i hate work, i hate everything. my life is pointless. this is my first christmas without a cat. i miss junior. he was only a baby last christmas and now he's gone. whenever they used to make me sad, i'd always bring junior into my bedroom with me and he'd cuddle me until i felt better. he always made me smile. but now i'm on my own.


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we're going to visit my granny and grandad later. i'm a little scared. i havn't been to see them in nearly a year. i just never get a chance because the only day daddy and ykw go visit them is on sunday and i'm working most sundays. i feel bad. i'm scared because daddy says they're after getting really really old especially my granny and he says she'll probably die soon and this is probably the last christmas she'll be alive for. she can barely walk or talk anymore. that's really scary. she used to talk non-stop. and now she can't talk atall.

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Are you okay, sweety? I know it might be hard to see your grandmother getting older, but believe me, it's better than not seeing it until after she passes. You're one of her connections to the future; I'll bet she loves seeing you today.

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I got a couple of toys from Edmund Scientific from guess-who: a hovercraft that looks like a soccer ball, that you can kick around, and a little gun, like a phaser, that shoots little smoke rings. They are fun little games, and we laughed. There's not enough laughter in the world ...

Are you going to have friends over to watch Friends? :-)

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Did they put the thermostat across the room from you, again? ;-)

How many sweaters are you wearing? (I'm wearing two T-shirts, does that count?)

We're about to have a light lunch; how long before you go out?

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When I'm cold, but I have good blankets, I'll often cover my head and breathe under the covers for a while. It helps warm things up, when you've been in bed for a long time. I'm sorry you're still not feeling well.

Hey starry, Merry Christmas. :-)

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oh it's a game, a dvd game, like a trivia game but it has clips from the movie you watch and answer questions about but it's like a board game. I have friends scene it too. The original scene it was just a dvd game with trivia and clips from all different movies. It's really cool.

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