Happy New Year! At least, that's what I'm supposed to say. I really do wish everyone out there a Happy New year. It's just that I'm not feeling that the New Year hold much for me.
I've been married four times. I guess I knew in my heart that the first two were going to be mistakes. But, I loved them and thought if we tried hard enough we could make it work.
No. 3 I thought we would be able to make it, until his daughter became sick. He lives in Russia and I was trying to get him and my step-daughter here. But, he expected me to put every available dollar toward him and her, when I had to take care of me and my two children as well. It came to a point where he minimized everything that was going on here, even when my daughter attempted suicide.
I swore I'd never get married again. Then, I met the most awesome man. He was everything I needed in a man, thoughtful, kind, honest, generous, loving. I could keep going on and on. We got married and swore there would never be a divorce. We always talked about things that bothered us, never argued. So imagine my surprise when i was served with divorce papers the day after Thanksgiving. No arguments, no discussion before this...
It turns out that one of the things that brought us together is now what has torn us apart. We both have a history of being abused as children. I was sexually abused by an older female cousin, while he was extensively abused, sexually and physically by his parents.
My husband has been impotent for the past six months. We've only had sex twice in that amount of time. Even though he has been extremely worried about this in regards to our relationship, I tried to reassure him that I love him no matter what. I tried telling him that many men have this problem sometime during their lives. I tried to convince him that I was there "for better or for worse."
However, it turns out that it wasn't just the impotence. He finally broke down and told me that his mental health has become so bad that he doesn't even want to touch himself to wash. I knew he was having flashbacks. And, I've tried to support him in every way I could through this, even sleeping in separate beds so he wouldn't freak out because of our bodies touching.
I love my husband. And like him, I've gone through a lot. I have had long time depression and anxiety issues that began a long time before I met my husband. (My sister was a drug addict that was murdered by a serial killer and had lots of emotional problems that were acted out in our family prior to that. My sexual abuse and some other things.) I thought we could make it. I knew he was unhappy and I even knew he was beginning to pull away.
Now, I'm stuck with trying to find an apartment in a city that close to my children but over an hour away from him. He's made it clear that he isn't going to stop the divorce. And, I'm like a junkie craving to be near him. I'm not dependent. I am able to take care of myself. I just don't want to without him.
So, I'm forcing myself to go through the motions. I'm very unsuccessfully looking for an apartment. My credit is extremely bad because of my issues with depression. I was working a steady job, then had to go on disability. After being on disability for two years, I had to file for Social Security. Then I tried to work again, only to go back on Social Security again after two years. Each time, bills suffered when I had to go on disability.
Now, I have to be out of my daughter's apartment within the next week or so. She's living in student housing and my living here may end up causing her problems.
So... I'm trying the resources that will help whenever I'm clear headed enough to think about them. I just went to social services for help because I won't receive money before I'm going to be homeless. We're low on food but don't have any options right away because of the holidays.
Meanwhile, I'm still desparately clinging to the hope that my husband will change his mind, even though I'm limiting my calls to him and going through my melt-downs on the phone with my parents or alone. My kids and parents are worried about me. But, I try to reassure them that I'm going to be okay... Even though I usually don't feel like it and even though, there are times when I'm pretty close to the edge. I know I have to hang on... Sometimes, I just don't feel I can.
So, "happy new year"... I guess to everyone but me.
Okay, now that i've spent some time wallowing in self-pity, I've got to figure out a plan to help me get through the day.
Peace... we all need and deserve some