Well it's Friday night and I find myself in the usual state. 2 percacet's and an oxy at 7pm and a half a bottle of rum later I feel fine. The numb makes me remember how I was before.

The only time I feel OK is Friday or Saturday night. I am aware enough to realize that the only reason I feel good is because of drugs and alcohol but it's really a matter of make believe happiness.

Sick and tired of spending a week having the poeple in my life tell me how I should think or feel. Damn, if I had control of those things I would have no issues at all.

The only thing that stops me from doing what I should is the fact that I would not want to hurt my wife and family. She has stood by me and has been my friend for so many years and I would not want to out her through the hell of the aftermath of my checking out. I lost a nephew last spring to suicide and after seeing what it has done to our immediate and extended families I could not put the poeple I love through that pain.

So I continue to endure a week of pain to make it to my Friday of happiness, I know it's not right but it gets me through.

Yep, loaded and blubbering but damn, honest with myself for at least a moment