Well that's what the translation google gave me... thesis. That's what I have to give her -said a teacher- in order to let the ex-classmates take their degree (she wants to make a celebration for all together giving us the paper, as we have been the most close class she has seen...meaning we really loved and got alone with each other).

It's not that I don't care about my degree, it's that everytime I start to write it, I close the programm. I have not got any ANY relation with thesis. And it's ok with me so far. If I don't give it, I won't take the degree...fair enough, no harm to others.

But now it appears as if it is MY (and another student's as well who hasn't done it) decision wether others will take their degree. No one of the classmates accuse us it's our fault for this decision, but again I am under pressure.

I CAN'T make ANY thesis! I have studied a whole month for it, marking dozens of books and within 3 days I have written 3 pages in a subject I knew (that makes one page per day...how can I let anybody know that I can possibly be SO stupid!). But now I know nothing...I don't know how to write the rest. I really am ready to start crying. Months ago I started writing. We had a deadline till the 10 of Octomber to give them. So all I could do was 3 pages. Then I had a thing with my health, not being able to breath and the...lung doctor without knowing anything about that, he told me my lungs are ok but I should "NO STRESS".

I connected the 2 facts, thesis and breathing problems witch were common everynight at the excact same period I had to give the thesis. And I stopped the thesis. Now I have to do something I don't 'own', not for me, but because others won't take their degree...it's so unfair for them and me! It's impossible to make it for less period than a month and I can't admitt it to ANYONE but you who don't know me in person, as everybody has written something like that regarding his own subject and in most cases that should be more big or difficult than I have to do. But I CAN'T. I know I can't. I have no idea what to write, plus My speach is not fluent at all in this kind of speaking. I can stuck for hours in one word and look at the page like I am an idiot.

But I know I don't want to ask for help.

First of all, when I was younger I asked some things for another thesis to my dad (it was about music of his age), many years later he told to me not that he helped me but that actually HE has done it. And it's such a lie!!! If I ever take this degree, I don't want anyone to have credits for it but me, cause I have done all the work 2 years now.

And secondly it's MY thesis for MY main job...which I am completely proud to say it will be mine even if I ...will never write it and take my degree... I know I am going to cry.

I don't have the courage to open my programm (the programm with the 3 pages done). Everytime I do it, I just close it. Who am I kidding, even if I finish it, it will never be too good to pass, except if the teacher don't bother to read it at all.

I don't seek for any answer. I just stopped yelling a while ago and now I write down cause I don't want to have time to cry...something that will be certain to happen in a while...