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My little corner


OnlyHuman

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So, I'm feeling pretty alone tonight. Feeling like I've exhausted everyone around me with my pitiful self lately. ..At the same time, I wonder, is it them I'm exhausting.. or just myself? Either way, it sucks.

I struggle with the thought of never letting anyone in, and carrying all this by myself.. because I know I can't handle it alone.. but I couldn't dare speak up and let someone else help. One part of me wants to let this go, because I want to actually.. live.. instead of going through the motions. At the same time, I wonder.. is it really worth it? Can my life really get much better? It's really not been worth it this far. Will my kids have a better life without me? Will I keep going, only to find out one day that I've failed them, too? So many questions without answers.

It's weighing me down, and I feel like I can barely move forward. And, every single time I try, I fail. I've always been a failure.

I have so much inside me. I don't know how to process it all. I don't know how to change it. Don't know how to change the small things that set off some kind of signal to remind myself of what's happened. Could be something as simple as a gown in a magazine, chocolate milk, a bathtub full of water.. or a daddy being left alone with his little girl. That's just.. not normal to me, and it's hard for me to see it in an innocent way. So many more, countless.. How should I be able to see things as how they are.. instead of a horrible reminder? I think I'm almost afraid to let go of the memories.. I'm scared of how painful it's going to be to sort through them. I'm also scared of allowing myself to let go. Doesn't that sound silly? Everything I've gone through, has impacted me in some way, and, though, it's caused me soo much pain.. I'm scared of forgetting. Afraid that if I forget, that part of me will have no validation. At the same time, it's caused me to feel so worthless and abandoned.

Everyone in my life has left me. My own family. My own "Mother" (by choice, mind you). Kinda makes you wonder how bad a kid I had to have been for my own mother to give up on me. Heh. ... Not only her, but everyone I have come in contact with, I had to say goodbye to. There was never a consistant anyone in my life. Some, I didn't get the chance to even say goodbye. I guess what I'm getting at, is.. I've never learned to "bond". I've never felt the need to pour my heart out and let someone in, if they weren't even going to be there. Whether that be friends, family, lover, coworker.. Whoever.

Ugh. I'm kind of going from topic to topic, though, I'm doing my best to stick to one at a time, but ..I'm in a piss poor mood. Go figure. And.. I'm getting frustrated. Why do these things have to be so hard? How do I feel any other way than the way I do right now... the way I've felt for soo long! Why is it such a bad idea to end it all? At least this nightmare would be over. Went back to the "old faithful" coping methods. I'm so tired of trying! I try.. and I try.. and I take one step forward, and two steps back. I don't know how else to feel better. And, when I say "feel better", I still feel pretty crappy. Just, maybe, a little less tense. Mmhmm, 'cept it still hurts.. in more ways than one.

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Put on a pot of coffee and check your email - waaaay too much to put here! :D

But I will say this. In the relatively short time you've been on here, I've seen such a change in you. You probably don't see it yourself but, it's there. Yes, it's hard and yes, you're afraid. Fear can be the most intimidating of all things which hold us back. And very often, the things we're afraid of are not nearly as scary as we make them out to be - take it from someone who knows.

And in terms of trying and failing, hun that does NOT make you a failure. When something doesn't work, try something else. I think in your case, you keep trying the same thing but expecting that somehow, it's gonna be different this time. Truthfully, the ONLY way to become a failure is to give up trying. Don't give up Misty! Try something different. Get specific; I mean really specific. It's as if you're standing at the base of Mt. Everest looking up and thinking, "How the heck do I get up there?" and feeling like you have to do it all at once and all by yourself. Sweetie, this isn't something you can do all at once or all by yourself. Take it a step at a time; don't put your focus on the summit just yet; keep it in the background as a goal - a long-term goal but stick to short-term, easily attainable ones. Get a strategy for dealing with a little bit of the climb at a time. Make your first goals easy and quick and then build on that momentum; stretching yourself a little each time.

For real practical things, think of things around the house that may bother you. For example, in my house, the sink LOVES to collect dirty dishes but doesn't often like to clean them. :D If that were your case, make a simple goal like, "I'm gonna never leave the kitchen after a meal before doing the dishes." Then, develop a strategy to making sure you stick to it - put a reminder somewhere. Give yourself a week to accomplish it. After that, it will grow into a pattern and also give momentum to carry you to the next goal that you set, etc. Little victories everyday will build. You don't have to scale Everest in a day - it's not even possible; and in the same way, you won't overcome everything you've spoken about that fast either. But as you achieve each of these smaller milestones along the way, you'll be able to look back and realize, "Wow, I still have a ways to go but, look how far Ive come."

Interesting - I said the same thing in counseling just last night. Anyway, I've said enough. Except of course probably the single most important thing for you to remember: you are loved.

John

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OnlyHuman, you are being so articulate and honest! It is so hard to move toward a new way of thinking of yourself and you're right, you can't do it without who've been. Your you has been there all along though...she wanted other things all along, she just hasn't had the chance yet. It's going to take time, and we are here to listen and walk with you!!:D

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