So, I'm feeling pretty alone tonight. Feeling like I've exhausted everyone around me with my pitiful self lately. ..At the same time, I wonder, is it them I'm exhausting.. or just myself? Either way, it sucks.
I struggle with the thought of never letting anyone in, and carrying all this by myself.. because I know I can't handle it alone.. but I couldn't dare speak up and let someone else help. One part of me wants to let this go, because I want to actually.. live.. instead of going through the motions. At the same time, I wonder.. is it really worth it? Can my life really get much better? It's really not been worth it this far. Will my kids have a better life without me? Will I keep going, only to find out one day that I've failed them, too? So many questions without answers.
It's weighing me down, and I feel like I can barely move forward. And, every single time I try, I fail. I've always been a failure.
I have so much inside me. I don't know how to process it all. I don't know how to change it. Don't know how to change the small things that set off some kind of signal to remind myself of what's happened. Could be something as simple as a gown in a magazine, chocolate milk, a bathtub full of water.. or a daddy being left alone with his little girl. That's just.. not normal to me, and it's hard for me to see it in an innocent way. So many more, countless.. How should I be able to see things as how they are.. instead of a horrible reminder? I think I'm almost afraid to let go of the memories.. I'm scared of how painful it's going to be to sort through them. I'm also scared of allowing myself to let go. Doesn't that sound silly? Everything I've gone through, has impacted me in some way, and, though, it's caused me soo much pain.. I'm scared of forgetting. Afraid that if I forget, that part of me will have no validation. At the same time, it's caused me to feel so worthless and abandoned.
Everyone in my life has left me. My own family. My own "Mother" (by choice, mind you). Kinda makes you wonder how bad a kid I had to have been for my own mother to give up on me. Heh. ... Not only her, but everyone I have come in contact with, I had to say goodbye to. There was never a consistant anyone in my life. Some, I didn't get the chance to even say goodbye. I guess what I'm getting at, is.. I've never learned to "bond". I've never felt the need to pour my heart out and let someone in, if they weren't even going to be there. Whether that be friends, family, lover, coworker.. Whoever.
Ugh. I'm kind of going from topic to topic, though, I'm doing my best to stick to one at a time, but ..I'm in a piss poor mood. Go figure. And.. I'm getting frustrated. Why do these things have to be so hard? How do I feel any other way than the way I do right now... the way I've felt for soo long! Why is it such a bad idea to end it all? At least this nightmare would be over. Went back to the "old faithful" coping methods. I'm so tired of trying! I try.. and I try.. and I take one step forward, and two steps back. I don't know how else to feel better. And, when I say "feel better", I still feel pretty crappy. Just, maybe, a little less tense. Mmhmm, 'cept it still hurts.. in more ways than one.