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Dear You,


OnlyHuman

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Dear You,

I have so many questions for you. Most of which, will never be answered. So much I want to say to you, but frankly, even this is a waste of my time.

One of your many jobs was to protect me, but you were never there to. I needed you, so desperately, but you ignored me. You refused to find a way to stop the abuse. You knew what was happening, yet, you chose to look the other direction. Several times, I cried out for you. I screamed your name, for you to help me and you ignored me. You never gave me the opportunity to feel safe. You never made me feel wanted or even loved- at all. You never allowed me to be just what I was.. a victim. I was to continue on with our daily saga. I was made to feel like a closet whore, instead of your precious little girl. I lived in fear, every day, and I was only a child! You never gave me the opportunity to let the hurt out, to seek help. You never understood the pain I carried, even early on. I thought you might have been as terrifed of him, as I was. When I found my voice, and you had a chance to get away, you didn't take it. Instead, you stood, hand in hand with my rapist! You chose the monster over me, and threw me away, like the garbage I already thought I was. I was unloveable. When you sent us away, my World turned upside down. Though, it had already been shattered when you turned your head to what was already happening. Looking back, I wonder how you felt in those moments. Maybe you thought we'd be better off without either one of you. Perhaps, it's true. Though, to me, it seemed you never cared where we ended up. I am so angry with you. You've screwed me out of what every child deserves. I've spent holidays with strangers in a cold cafeteria, instead of around a dinner table. I was the one that was punished, along with spending time in a lock down facility, being restrained because I couldn't handle the pain that you both have caused me.

This life could've been so different, so much better. You can not take credit for who I am today. You can only take credit for some of the hurt that runs through me. You're one to blame for that. You taught me how not to be a parent..

Why do I still love you? You don't even deserve this letter..

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Once again I have to quote from Touched by an Angel. Great episode about a homeless man; Tess told Monica that he was her, "next assignment." She asked how she was going to help him; volunteer in a shelter or council the homeless, etc. Tess said, "The only way to share this man's pain, is to share his pain." At that moment, Monica temporarily ceased to be an angel and became as he was; cold, hungry and, alone. She literally felt his pain.

Misty, I'll never be able to fully understand what it was like for you. But sharing this as you have; it helps me better appreciate what you must have felt; what you still feel. Please forgive me, if I've said or done anything uncaring or unthoughtful. I never really understood until now; still don't fully but... you know. Thank you for having the courage to share your heart with us here. And thank you, for inspiring me once again with your strength; with your ability to look inside and face those things that most are too afraid to even think about.

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Misty are you ok today? I ask because whenever this stuff gets churned up, there can be such a backlash.... I think your words are very clear and well said. We stand with you!! I wish you well today :o

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Mark, may I paraphrase you here?

Misty, what you're going through is a process that will have it's ups and downs. This is not a matter of, "fixing" you like you would grab a tool and fix a machine and it's done. It's more like healing a wound or an illness; it takes time and proper treatment. I'll share a little something embarrassing here. My teeth aren't exactly the greatest; in fact, they're pretty awful. My dentist must be a miracle worker to have fixed me up the way he has! Anyway, it comes from years of not brushing my teeth; guess I was a lazy kid, I don't know. Anyway, at some point along the way, I developed canker sores. This is a form of virus that comes and goes due to various triggers. If I keep everything clean and don't bite on the end of pens or hold guitar picks between my teeth while doing two-handed stuff on the neck, everything is pretty much okay. But, the guitar pick thing for example; that is such a natural thing for me that, I do it without thinking sometimes. And not long after, I'll often encounter a canker breakout which can last a week or two. Do I want the sores? No! Am I trying to do the right thing to keep them away? Absolutely. But my patterns of behavior in this case are often subconscious and only AFTER do I catch myself. Sometimes I do but, it takes a conscious effort to rewrite my programming, so to speak. I believe this is where you are now, re-writing the code in your mind and, your old patterns are resisting.

You have years and years of behavior and thoughts and patterns all working against you so, yeah, it's going to be tough and you're going to stumble every so often. But keep at it hun because, you WILL break it. The times between stumbles will increase. You really can't fail... unless you give up.

Strange analogy here but, did you see Forest Gump? The section where he was running across America - he started alone and as he ran, others came out to join him. Pretty soon, there were many all running with him. Picture that as you accumulating your various thoughts and actions over the years. You AND all those have all this momentum going and now, YOU are turning and running the other way; with everything else continuing on in the other direction. And it's knocking you down and making it very difficult. I'm going to send you a video link and you tell me if you can relate to it, even on a basic level. Not 1:1 but, in general.

Anyway, talk more soon. Big hug my friend.

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