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I Dont Know


Terrorised
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I don't know what to say and I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to write, I simply DON'T KNOW. I feel like I'm getting worse everyday, falling deeper into depression. I'm stuck in my head all day and fake smiling my way out of answering questions genuinely.  "Are you okay? you don't look okay...?   *fake-smile* " oh yeah I'm cool, just thinking that's all". As soon as the person leaves I forget all about that little interaction and go back to the deep dark thoughts. In about an hours time I'm going to have to fake interest in whatever will be discussed in the staff meeting. Pretend to know what is being discussed by nodding every time a point is made and agree with every conclusion ( "yes, yes I agree"..."yes that's true"..."yeah, that could work") and hopefully not be asked to make an input because I am not in the right space right now. It's not that I don't appreciate my work, I do but, I am a real mess right now and I don't know how to fix this. 

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ya i know what you mean man. i don't work, but i know how difficult it is being around people who're just living their lives and have no clue about real pain and suffering. it takes a lot of effort trying to conceal one's thoughts and feelings. i can't even fake a smile. when i'm pissed it shows. anyway, how long have you had depression?

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3 hours ago, Resolute said:

ya i know what you mean man. i don't work, but i know how difficult it is being around people who're just living their lives and have no clue about real pain and suffering. it takes a lot of effort trying to conceal one's thoughts and feelings. i can't even fake a smile. when i'm pissed it shows. anyway, how long have you had depression?

I mastered fake smiling in my early teens upon realising no one cares about your feelings if you are a boy. You must deal with it, whatever "it" is, and if you cant then you must be gay. I only recently started describing it as depression, before then I used to call it being-a-bitch and whenever I felt overwhelmed I'd reprimand myself harshly by telling myself to stop acting like a bitch. I remember once as kid overhearing one guy calling out another guy as "acting like a women" for showing his emotions and I knew right there that it is bad to show emotion. You have to be a man and toughen up and pretend nothings going on, lesson learnt but there were harsher ones to learn still. At some point during my early teens my dad used to beat the shit out of me if I ever showed anger. The beatings progressed to getting whipped for non performance at school, then soon after for no apparent reason he'd threaten to whip me. Once he caught me in the bath, he whipped the fuck out of me and I ran out the house naked towards some old ladies thinking they would assist but they ran from me. The beatings stopped once I mustered up the courage to tell my dad after he had threatened to hit me, that if he did hit me it wouldn't be because I did anything wrong but rather, it would be because he finds pleasure in fucking me up. He didn't say anything  that day. Didn't even look at me but the beatings stopped. Other miner things happened during that time that lead me to think everything I say or do is wrong so I wont do or say anything to anyone ever again. Just keep to yourself and smile. I have kept to that promise for a long time now.

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10 hours ago, Terrorised said:

and hopefully not be asked to make an input because I am not in the right space right now. It's not that I don't appreciate my work, I do but, I am a real mess right now and I don't know how to fix this. 

how long have you been in this particular state? (don't answer if it makes you uncomfortable.)

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6 hours ago, Resolute said:

how long have you been in this particular state? (don't answer if it makes you uncomfortable.)

 I remember last week thinking to myself that I don't want to talk to anyone. I took different entrances at work to avoid colleagues I usually converse with. I didn't even let them know I was in. But people think I'm a people's person, that I'm friendly and get along with everyone so they always come to me all happy and jolly for some chill time. They don't know it's all an act. A very tiring act. 

 

But this (the feeling of being overwhelmed) comes and goes.

 

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2 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

 

That is some really awful stuff you had to endure Terrorised. As you look at yourself and your life now can you envision any path to healing, to a better life?  

I'm a pessimist. I don't see anything positive about life. I think of the world as a hostile place where good things happen now and then. For me it's just about survival. Avoiding situations that will make life unbearable (jail) and living life not so much as positively as you can but rather as painlessly as you possibly can if that makes sense.

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9 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

What would make your life less painful?  Would you he happier in a job w less human interaction?  If so maybe you could inch toward that.

Could you take a leave of absence from your job? From reading your original post it sounds like that might be a good idea. 

I hope things get better for you. 

I would definitely be happier in a job with less human interaction. I've been thinking of taking leave for some time. I guess I should do it. I'm not enjoying work at the moment and I'm constantly exhausted. Thanks Vic

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I'm sorry you went through that during your childhood, Terrorised. :( I think we all need a safe space to express our feelings. If the environment you grew up in didn't allow for that, it could affect how you respond to your feelings now as an adult. :(

Do you feel you would like to have interactions and friendships with others, but you avoid people because you feel afraid? Or does it feel too hard to engage with others right now and that's why you try to stay away? 

Is there anyone in your life who you feel safe enough to be genuinely yourself with? 

We're here to listen and support you. I hope you feel better.

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29 minutes ago, IrmaJean said:

I'm sorry you went through that during your childhood, Terrorised. :( I think we all need a safe space to express our feelings. If the environment you grew up in didn't allow for that, it could affect how you respond to your feelings now as an adult. :(

Do you feel you would like to have interactions and friendships with others, but you avoid people because you feel afraid? Or does it feel too hard to engage with others right now and that's why you try to stay away? 

Is there anyone in your life who you feel safe enough to be genuinely yourself with? 

We're here to listen and support you. I hope you feel better.

Do you feel you would like to have interactions and friendships with others, but you avoid people because you feel afraid? Or does it feel too hard to engage with others right now and that's why you try to stay away? 

The first part of your question is 100%. I want to interact normally with people but I feel I cant because I feel there is something innately wrong with me, so I avoid people to avoid rejection, or people finding me boring and seeing me as someone who does not have a life  and  generally lonely and  unhappy.  When I cant avoid people and have to interact with them like at work then I try to hide my insecurities with a smile a joke and a laugh and I do it well I must say. Some people think I'm a peoples person and don't even believe me when I say I'm single.  They think I'm hiding something. I am but its not a girlfriend. I can usually go for a while pretending to be ok before the second part of your question comes to play. After some time pretending to be happy takes its toll and I just don't want to do it any longer but at the same time I don't want anyone finding out that I'm actually not happy.

Is there anyone in your life who you feel safe enough to be genuinely yourself with? 

My little brother. I behave however I want when it is just him and I. But he has his own friends and does not live at home currently. I laugh the loudest when I'm with him.

We're here to listen and support you. I hope you feel better.

Thank you so much.

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