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heroinism
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I'm 15, been depressed and suicidal since 12. I live in a physically and mentally abusive family where the women have almost no rights and no say in anything (Chinese "tradition"), especially when I'm the youngest I get the most humiliation and underestimation of all. That so, I've always tried to prove them I'm not worthless and vain by achieving high in state examinations. They weren't moved and started despising me more, telling me that those are easy tests and I'm more stupid than a dog, that they shouldn't have kept me and should have adopted a dog instead cause it's smarter and more useful. Their words do bring me down, because I have no friends to confide in and to support me. I remember those days when I fought back and got chased around the house with a knife by my brother, he's punched me many times and my father loves tramping on my head. I couldn't get help from the teachers, because they also use corporal punishment on their children, although lighter but still it's something normal where I live. I just want to get out the house, but I haven't got any money. And college? They're not even willing to pay for it, 50% scholarships can't do anything. The prospect of being here forever, getting arranged marriage just for the sake that they could get money from the husband, and scrubbing shit off their asses till they died makes me want to commit suicide all the more. 

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Hello, H., welcome!

It's hard for me to find words to react to your situation :( . It's tragic that such abuse is even still "supported by tradition", so one doesn't have a place to go for help or at least understanding... Or does? You mention teachers and absent friends, but I should ask you if there is really no institution (social workers, psychologists, ...?) where you could find some help and support (because maybe there is, we just don't know about it). Have you searched...?

In any case, probably the most important thing for you is to keep a strong conviction that how they treat you is bad, that you don't deserve it and that what they say about you is wrong. Because there is a risk for people in your situation to start to believe their abusers - and that makes it all even worse; they hate or doubt themselves, ...

I hope you'll at least keep communicating here with us and find here some support and even some useful advise.

Take care and good luck!

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I'm sorry I wasn't helpful in my first post. I don't want to make the impression that I see your situation as "unresolvable", that there's no hope for a better future! I totally understand that you feel this way now :( , but at the same time I know life is unpredictable and you cannot be sure it won't get better, even much better. I know now you're too dependent upon your parents and their decisions may shape your life significantly, but that doesn't have to last: You may, for instance, get a good education later in life, after making some money for yourself. And there are probably things you could change for better even now. I mainly think about your lack of friends. Do you know the reasons you don't have any? Could you imagine getting to know new people and making some friends among them? I hope members here could help with some "strategies" / suggestions how to proceed...

In any case; I hope very much you won't listen to your suicidal wishes :( . They are quite natural under some kinds of circumstances (and probably for some "kinds of" people, including me, for instance), but they don't offer a real solution, they don't "answer" to the actual problem. You might end a life that might, if left alive, lead to some (big or small) content, satisfaction, love, success, ... 

I'm sending you a virtual hug; I wish it could be as powerful as "real" hugs sometimes are...

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Hi Heroinism, sorry you are getting such terrible treatment from your family. It must be an intolerable situation to be in. Do you think it may be worth mentioning to a teacher anyway, despite the fact that they use corporal punishment, if there was one that you trusted? Would they contact the police?  Would that make matters worse?

On a practical level, when you leave school are there any job opportunities around which include accommodation e.g. hotel work or childcare for a family which may at least get you away from the living situation? You obviously have good English skills. It is not like your dream of college I know.

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