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Trying to fix my life one step at the time.... How did you overcome your fears during intimacy???


Helpless_loner
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Unlike what  I've read about the majority of you guys who have been  suffering aware of this curse since puberty and even before I'm kinda of a "late bloomer" in regards of my SPS.  I've always had next to nothing self esteem and sometimes bad attitude due to my former super skinny ectomorph physique, acne all over my face, glasses capable  melting the freaking One ring of Sauron, awful  unfitting clothes, etc, etc, etc.... You get the picture.

 

However my penis was like the least of my concerns because of my zero interaction with women or even locker room gatherings, so to speak.  I always thought the majority of guys were like those renaissance statues ( which I later discovered how wrong I was) and the porn stars and even well endowed amateur guys that you could see in porn sites  were "freaks" in the same way not everybody can play  basketball in college or let alone professional levels because their lack of vertical "inches".

The "truth" hit me like a tidal wave when I was 23 and and just a couples of weeks later of having realized that my early 20's did somewhat good to me  in regards of weight, skin and overall appearance. I've been told I'm handsome and I've been given phone numbers by good looking girls in bars without me asking for it.

But the truth is that after becoming extremely aware, worried and even desperate about my size I began a downward spiral that has lead me, almost 7 years later, to an existence that SHOULD be better than what it actually is right now. I've even had suicidal thoughts at times, but I really want to at least try to work around this whole mess. I want to begin by trying to do what my  different fears have preventing me from doing since I was young man and that is interacting with girls....

I'm not gonna lie and tell you  that I'm happy with my bone pressed  5.5 inches length and let alone with my 4.3 girth (all of that in a PRETTY good day) or even the freaking gross pearly penile papules. But the truth is I don't want to die as a virgin man who never experienced love or even any physical pleasure.  I've been jelqing lately, considering a bathmate -thanks Yoth- and looking for some home remedies to get rid of the papules that in case of not working at all, there is a dermatologist who can remove them with CO2 laser in one session (the thing is  I want to save that money, though  xD ).

I know one night stands and affairs might not the best approach (in the end I'm a 30 years old virgin with a small penis) and that alone saddens me  but what about a girlfriend, a sweet woman for a long term relationship???? How did you  married guys overcame you anxiety of being rejected or even laughed at?

 

Do you recommend openly admit my condition or letting her find out????

 

Thanks in advance for reading this, at times, incoherent attempt of a post of this non native speaker!

 

 

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There is laser surgery for the papules. I was in a waiting room a few years ago and they had on the tv one of those mid-afternoon talk shows with a medical segment featuring a guy with pearly penis papules. He was a good looking guy and all the women in the audience were beaming and clapping like circus seals at the successful conclusion of the story. They even showed a few very close up photos. If you're getting numbers without trying you're already halfway there, just do some research on clinics offering this surgery to boost your confidence. Some of us are ugly as a mud fence and a small dicked. Count your blessings. 

 

EDIT: I just read your comment about saving money. Sounds like you have a decision to make - if it gives you that golden confidence, I'd consider it a worthwhile investment. 

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Well I'm not sure what to say and I'm definitely not the poster child for success but here are my thoughts based on what you have said.

First off, I would personally spend the money to take care of the papules. I'm not familiar with this condition but I assume that it's an appearance abnormality that can be corrected and if this is something that is holding you back then it's worth a dermatology visit.

Once that issue is solved you are in much better shape than most of us on this forum. There is nothing small about 5.5x4.3 and personally I would be damn proud to be your size. I know that this does not solve how you personally feel about yourself but I just wanted to make sure you knew that mathematically you are not small.

I would then suggest testing the waters. If you are truly handsome and have a good personality then getting dates should not be a problem. I am a fan of "taking it slow" if you are after a serious relationship. Find someone that you connect with and I. Can almost guarantee that your penis size will never be noticed by her. Chances are, if she has had lovers, that she has seen smaller than you.

 

 

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For where you're at right now, hookups doesn't sound like an option. You need to feel safe. Strangers can't give you that.

I think trust is the key. You need to trust someone enough to face your fear and be naked with her. Size is not important to all women. You will find one. Mature women are attracted to someone who can be honest and vulnerable, and face his fears. If she sees you, because you let her see you, as you are, flaws, fears, and all, she will feel special to be the one you decided to face your fear with.

And allow yourself to fail. Make sure she is ready to allow you to fail too. Your first swing in the majors won't be a homerun. Can't get hard, cum too quick... If you're anything like me, those things will happen if you're afraid of them happening. But if I give myself permission to not perform, I can relax and enjoy it, and fun sex tends to give me a strong healthy boner. Funny hiw that works.

Oh, and mine is damn near 2 inches shorter than yours @Helpless_loner. So there's that going for ya 😊

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The first encounter with the mother of my kids was harrowing, I juiced the whole time (Cialis) and I'm glad I did. I was terrified because it was the first time I'd ever had sex without being drunk aka the first time I'd ever had sex I'd remember in the morning. Luckily we'd kind of fallen in love prior to sex so it wasn't a total deal breaker (although on the pills every encounter was successful), she's later said that she wouldn't have cared if I'd had a micropenis, that it wasn't important. But she's an absolute a gem, very rare, but these women are out there. It's probably 1 in 1000, just glad I found her. You just have to put yourself out there and trust you'll find eachother. I can't say you won't kiss a few judgemental frogs, but that's life, it's a numbers game. 

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I'm surprised on how big attention you put on penile papules.

Where I live that's considered normal, just a feature, around 1 out of 3 uncircumcised men have them. Maybe for this reason are more common in some countries that in others where almost everybody it's circumcised (it drops to 1 out of 10 in that case). I've also heard that they provide extra friction in a positive way and maybe (it's not known) that's the evolutive reason they are there.

I had them, they went away with aging anyway :P

You are not small, you are average. Are you very small when flaccid? It seems that is an self-stem killer for many men... but in fact you have no physical impediment for a normal sex life without any special approach.

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I keep hearing everyone speak of their size her and it seems this may be a problem of the mind and not always size. Please don't take my comment wrong but what I'm saying is the guys saying 5 or 5 1/2 inches are having the same thoughts about size that I do. I'm barely a little over 4 inches on a good day.  It appears we all feel the same even though we're different sizes. This forum is very interesting. I'm really learning about how this affects myself and others. 

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I truly appreciate the time all you have taken, thank you VERY much.

 

On 10/30/2017 at 8:21 PM, lostboy1 said:

Once that issue is solved you are in much better shape than most of us on this forum. There is nothing small about 5.5x4.3 and personally I would be damn proud to be your size. I know that this does not solve how you personally feel about yourself but I just wanted to make sure you knew that mathematically you are not small.

I would then suggest testing the waters. If you are truly handsome and have a good personality then getting dates should not be a problem. I am a fan of "taking it slow" if you are after a serious relationship. Find someone that you connect with and I. Can almost guarantee that your penis size will never be noticed by her. Chances are, if she has had lovers, that she has seen smaller than you.

 

 

It might be my SPS hurting me from a psychological standpoint in the same way an anorexic person continue to try to lose its "overweight" but the truth is I when I compare myself to like 99%  not only of pornstars/professionals sex performers (which is to be expected and it doesn't hurt me that much) but mostly random amateur guys I feel dwarfed in both length and mostly girth.....That destroys my confidence.

 

About the second point..That's what I've decided, no affairs or short hook ups unfortunately but at least a long term relationship. Which is harder to find than the former but more rewarding or so they say.

On 10/31/2017 at 3:42 AM, YOTH said:

The first encounter with the mother of my kids was harrowing, I juiced the whole time (Cialis) and I'm glad I did. I was terrified because it was the first time I'd ever had sex without being drunk aka the first time I'd ever had sex I'd remember in the morning. Luckily we'd kind of fallen in love prior to sex so it wasn't a total deal breaker (although on the pills every encounter was successful), she's later said that she wouldn't have cared if I'd had a micropenis, that it wasn't important. But she's an absolute a gem, very rare, but these women are out there. It's probably 1 in 1000, just glad I found her. You just have to put yourself out there and trust you'll find eachother. I can't say you won't kiss a few judgemental frogs, but that's life, it's a numbers game. 

You are lucky I  can only hope find a woman like that.

On 10/31/2017 at 9:25 AM, RonaldU said:

You are not small, you are average. Are you very small when flaccid? It seems that is an self-stem killer for many men... but in fact you have no physical impediment for a normal sex life without any special approach.

In the most optimistic articles out there - in others I reach the "accept yourself area"- I can be put "in the lower end of average" in terms of my length..I have some "problems"  based on those same articles with my girth, so you can imagine how I can be classified in the rest......

Flaccid wise? Probably a tad over 3.3 inches repeating the same "lower end of average trend" of the most optimistic ones.

 

In regards of the penile papules  I see the them as the "cherry of the cake" of my penis problems bingo, so to speak. Small length wise? Check. Even smaller girth wise??? Check. A 30 years old virgin with 0 confidence and and 100% inexperience that result in premature ejaculation??? Check. On top of that I have those nasty things that look I had sex with late 1800 whitechapel hookers.....

I always read and hear women complaining about awful sex experiences with guys and  I can truly picture myself in the top of every list thanks to all of the above. I need help in like 5920239 areas: Dermatologyst, therapist, endocrinologist or  surgeon or  -if there was such thing as a 100% proven method-  sexologist, etc, etc, etc.

Love aside I just can't see how any woman could ever be still attracted to after all of that. I have to keep looking -star looking, in fact- but it's not easy to make that first step.

 

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12 hours ago, Helpless_loner said:

 

In the most optimistic articles out there - in others I reach the "accept yourself area"- I can be put "in the lower end of average" in terms of my length..I have some "problems"  based on those same articles with my girth, so you can imagine how I can be classified in the rest......

Flaccid wise? Probably a tad over 3.3 inches repeating the same "lower end of average trend" of the most optimistic ones.

 

In regards of the penile papules  I see the them as the "cherry of the cake" of my penis problems bingo, so to speak. Small length wise? Check. Even smaller girth wise??? Check.

I'm not sure where you're getting your information on "average" sizes but I can tell you that I've done extensive and exhaustive research on all scientific studies and the "average" length comes out to 5.25-5.75", girth is 4.25-4.85", and flaccid is 2.7-3.4" all depending on the study.

You are almost dead center average in all areas. That means that there are as many people smaller than you as there are larger.

I agree with other comments that this is more psychological than physical and I would recommend correcting what you can (the papules) and then working on the self-esteem aspect. Maybe get in good shape (if you're not already) and remove the papules and these  two things alone may be an ego booster.

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Not sure how many locker rooms you've been in, but 3.3 is a fine flaccid size. Bigger than most i think. Some of us have nonexistent flaccid. I did for most of the morning. Then i went to the restroom and had to press the skin in around it to get it to peek out so i could pee properly. Then i ate lunch and it retracted inside me again. 

Your issues are psychological. Only a very few hardcore size queens would reject you based on your size. But when you wallow in insecurity, that doesn't matter. You have already set yourself up for failure. For you, it's a "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" kinda deal. Hopefully you realize that soon. Come to terms with the fact that you have an AVERAGE size penis. Perfectly acceptable to 95%+ of women. But the way you beat yourself up about it is unattractive to women. Even if they don't know what it's about, they can sense that vibe that a guy is not happy or confident. That is what you need to work on.

And I don't want to belittle your problem. Having a bigger penis than some of us doesn't mean you have a lesser problem. There are 300 lb people who love their bodies and are happy, and 200 lb people who hate themselves for being overweight. It's in our minds as much if not more than in our bodies.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for your answers, thank you very much, guys.


I've been away from home in a business trip, something that has helped me keeping my mind occupied. The thing is though, from time to time, there's this thought that always mortify me and that is the fact regardless of my size (which I still think is sorta small, mostly girth wise) my inexperience and premature ejaculation will make me every girl's worst "lover" ever.

You know, unlike the majority of guys of my age who have a mindset of "going for it" I just can't bring to picture myself with a girl even though I deeply desire it.  I'm 30 years old, mistakes and shortcomings in the "bedroom" are somewhat ignored and even accepted by girls from guys in their late teens and even early 20's due to their own  inexperience. That point is -or it should be- way past at this point of my life. Women,  fortunately for the rest quite the opposite for us, have more experience than 20, 30 years ago.

I remember reading in a article a comment from a  55 years old man who said that his penis and most likely his son (considering his "good looks" and yet 0 girlfriends/affairs and constant depression) were small but he , unlike his son, had the luck to being born in a time in which he could marry his virgin high school sweet heart and remain like that for decades.

I wish I could find not only an answer but mostly peace, but I can't......

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, yesterday I had no choice but to come out of the closet; this lone, small and thin closet of mine....

See my father paid a surprise visit to me (it was like 9 pm) in the hopes of of finding me and quote "doing God knows what". He believed,  or still believes, that I'm gay. Which I do understand based of the fact that nobody has ever seen me with a woman or have ever heard me  bragging about it but also because I'm always outspoken about LGBT rights, atheism and own a cat. I'm not making that last point up, for real.

It wasn't easy, I cried a lot, but I had to be honest with him. He is a deeply religious man with some old fashion thoughts about homosexuals and immigrants that I truly don't like but he's my dad.  After his lecture of the lack morals these days and such he adviced me  "find God" and then probably a sexologist or a therapist....

 

 

 

 

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55 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I'm confused @Helpless_loner. You came out as gay to your father or about your anxieties about sex w women?  Sorry, it is probably obvious and I am not getting it.  

Either way, I hope it was a step toward healing for you.  

Nah!!! Don't worry!

I know it has to do with the fact english is not my native language. Yesterday's situation was about the latter scenario.  I told him I was small and inexperienced out of which, after the aforementioned lecture regarding pre marital sex and such, he prompted me to look for both human and "heavenly" help.

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Oh ok thanks for the clarification. I was just trying to understand. Either way would have been fine w me.  I hope you find a way to be happier in your life.  

I have struggled immensely to find an answer and I am not sure there is one other than to accept yourself and focus on what you can actually can do in life.  It's a pretty weak tea ☕️ I know...

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/12/2017 at 7:12 AM, Helpless_loner said:

Thank you for your answers, thank you very much, guys.


I've been away from home in a business trip, something that has helped me keeping my mind occupied. The thing is though, from time to time, there's this thought that always mortify me and that is the fact regardless of my size (which I still think is sorta small, mostly girth wise) my inexperience and premature ejaculation will make me every girl's worst "lover" ever.

You know, unlike the majority of guys of my age who have a mindset of "going for it" I just can't bring to picture myself with a girl even though I deeply desire it.  I'm 30 years old, mistakes and shortcomings in the "bedroom" are somewhat ignored and even accepted by girls from guys in their late teens and even early 20's due to their own  inexperience. That point is -or it should be- way past at this point of my life. Women,  fortunately for the rest quite the opposite for us, have more experience than 20, 30 years ago.

I remember reading in a article a comment from a  55 years old man who said that his penis and most likely his son (considering his "good looks" and yet 0 girlfriends/affairs and constant depression) were small but he , unlike his son, had the luck to being born in a time in which he could marry his virgin high school sweet heart and remain like that for decades.

I wish I could find not only an answer but mostly peace, but I can't......

Wow, spot on post right there man. My dad (also small) did happen to marry his high school sweetheart. Anyways, I am pretty much in the same boat as you (28 and essentially a virgin and can't for the life of me see myself having vaginal sex with a woman). I think I have come up with a pretty ingenious way to approach sex with my future girlfriend (if I ever get one that is) and that is when the time comes for graduation from hugs/kisses, explain to her that I am basically a virgin and then ask her if she could teach me. I think if you phrase it as "can you teach me" and express how scared you are, well, if she's a decent girl that you deserve to be with, she should be excited or at the very least "aww, don't be scared." Anyways, that's how I am going to approach it. I'll let you guys know how it goes! (Need to find that decent girl first however).

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  • 5 weeks later...

@yoth - i think we may have found the same woman....lol     When you find the right one, nothing else matters too much. And you are absolutely right, it's a numbers game. Heck, i've been through about 30 to find the right one, but when I did, it hit me like a freight train...

I could of had a micropenis and asked her if she thought it was small and she would have replied "it's perfect for me".; just the way she is.

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@2thin2win, I get what you're saying. I also have a loving wife and have been married for many years. My wife loves me for me and not my penis and, even though it took several years, we (more specifically I) have learned what it takes to bring her to orgasm (toys, tongue, and fingers). Even though she loves me for me and she has never complained about my penis, I still feel very inferior knowing that my cock alone is not enough for her to be satisfied. I know a lot of women are like this, even with a normal sized cock, but being really small AND having a wife that needs something extra in order to cum is a double whammy on my ego and I typically feel like less of a man when we have sex.

I'm not saying finding the right woman isn't huge because it definitely is. If I was single I'm not sure I would still be around so she has saved me in more ways than one but it doesn't make the pain and self loathing disappear. Otherwise I would have no reason to be on this forum.

 

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@lostboy - i hear ya man, through and through...story of my life. everything you said hits home with me. I think there are many of us out there and it's more of a norm than anything else. Look around at your buddies and ask them about sex with their wives. Most of them will probably say they hardly ever get sex (at least my friends say that) from their wives. That makes me think it has less to do with our penis and more to do with women's sexuality in general. If you're like me, your wife is probably ok to have sex whenever you initiate it. For that matter, my wife comes on to me after a while of not doing it. That makes me think we are in a better position than others.  However, my wife is quite a bit younger than I am so she's still in her early 30's and looks like 16 and i'm in my 40's so maybe our appetite meshes well now but not so much when she gets older...who knows? 

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I'm a woman who has a fair amount of experience with men.  Some of the worst lovers I've had have been well endowed men.  Not even kidding.  They don't even try because they think a big dick is all they need... Well it isn't.  For most women it's all about clitoral stimulation.  Most of us can't cum through intercourse alone, and the size of the dick doesn't change that.  Hone those oral skills and satisfy her that way and you'll be ahead of the game, I assure you.  

My first lover was 4" (We measured one day out of curiosity) and I was genuinely surprised that he was below average as his size felt great to me.  I've been with many other men since but honestly he was probably my most satisfying partner.  He paid attention to what I liked and cared about getting me off.  You have NO idea how many guys don't care about that at all.  His oral skills were sublime and that is something that can please your lady more than anything your dick can do.

Right now I've started dating a man who is probably below 3" and honestly that isn't something I'd leave him over.  He's a wonderful man and I am falling hard for him.  Plus he's got those oral skills😉.  I've spent a long ass time searching for a man who will treat me with love and respect.  Feeling a genuine connection with someone and finding love is more important than a damn penis size.  And don't trust porn.  Even amateur guys on there are usually pretty well endowed and do NOT represent the norm.  At least not in my experience.

Another side note, I advise against telling a woman you're a virgin if you're over age 25.  Cause that puts a lot of pressure on the female to teach you and that can be intimidating... I think the better course of action is to tell her you haven't done it in a long time and then she'll be somewhat expecting you to cum quickly.  Then tell her you want to make sure you know how to please her properly and ask for basic tips on what she likes.  DON'T ask too many questions during the act itself.  That can be really distracting and can kill the mood.  Try talking about these things in text (easier to discuss embarrassing things this way I think rather than on the phone or in person) and maybe watch some tutorial type porns to get a general idea.  Hope this helps.

Also wanted to throw this out there but there is a medical condition for women in which penetration actually causes pain so if you're below a certain size and worry you can't penetrate a vagina there are women out there who'd find that preferable.  Maybe look into some support groups for women with that condition (sorry I don't recall what it's called) and hit up some ladies on there.  I'm not going to say EVERYONE deserves love but I do believe that honest, caring people capable of putting another's needs before their own do and I think if you're a good person you can find someone to love who will love you too.  Don't give up hope!

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