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Hello--need some advice


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Hi, my name is Bella. Proud mom of 2 boys 18 and 21. I have struggled my whole life with depression and severe anxiety. My kids have seen all this. I have one boy  18 yo that I am worried about so much its giving me serious anxiety and depression. My son has no friends, he is on the shy side-He has gone to 3 different high schools. He says no time to get into any groups and kids don't like new kids. We have lived in Nv for less than a year and next year he is starting college. He has always worried way to much since about 10. He tells me he is not happy and feels so much anxiety when he goes to class the kids pick on him because he is quiet. He comes home and stays in his room. he is also anxious around his step dad. He is very loud and a little abrasive but is just the way he is. He is a good guy but my son is anxious to begin with. He has been around his step dad for 10 years . He has also witnessed myself in the past going through depression and anxiety. I know or think kids can be prone to this if the parent is ill.  Im not sure.  But my main question is what do I do about my son. I ask him if he is ok and what can I do. He wanted to get medication and treatment. I took him for evaluation and dr. put him on Effexor and listened to him. I feel so sad right now - I feel guilty like it is my fault---I ask him way to many questions and he seems to get frustrated with me. He is a great kid--no drugs, straight As and very respectful-shy and quiet...Please please give me any advice you might have........ The pic below --he is on left..

[photo deleted by a moderator]

 

Edited by LaLa
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Hi, Bella, welcome! :) 

I'm sorry I don't have time today to reply to your post (I'll get to it later), but as I was "approving" it, I made the decision to delete your family photo and thus I owe you an explanation. 

It's great that you're reaching out to find some advise how to help your son, but for that, there's no need to "breach" the anonymity that online forums provide. You may not mind to have your photo and your story on the web, but your son(s) may - either now or later. You never know if someone who knows them 'IRL' will read this and recognize them because of the pic.

I hope you understand and don't mind me making this deletion...

Good luck and "see" you later!

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Hello Bella, just thinking everything could change for your son when he goes to college, but in the meantime is there any activity he could be interested in outside of school that could lead to new friends? Also, do you think a quiet word to your partner about being a bit more easy going around your son may help? You may have tried this already, you are clearly doing your best.

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I have tried to get him into activities and he has done a few. I signed him up for the gym because he asked if he could go. He does this a couple times a week. I have spoke about how it should be around the house and 99% of the time it is fine. Im thinking once he starts college he will be doing better. Thanks for replying..

 

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I can make another recommendation, Bella, from my own experience:  take your son to a stylist, preferably a female one.  I know you're fundamentally a good mother, Bella; a bad one wouldn't bother to ask for help.

One of the main causes of my emotional stagnation when i was his age was, i didn't know how to look normal.

Many teenagers are self-conscious about their appearance (or even ashamed of it; i know i was).   This causes them to withdraw and not interact with peers.  I think it also draws negative responses from peers, too.  Other young people sense their self-consciousness and they read it as either weakness or hostility.

I'm sick of adults who say, "just have confidence, and people will like you."  Pure myth and nonsense.  Confidence can't be manufactured out of nothing.

If you get him a few sessions with a professional stylist who can guide him into dressing and grooming himself in a way that's appropriate for him, then he'll know that he looks normal.  Dancing lessons or tennis lessons wouldn't hurt, either.  

Your son needs to have a REASON to be confident; then the confidence (and the social life) will follow.  

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