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I feel like I'm rattling cages


YOTH
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Ever since Tom died, I've been at a looser end than I've ever been at before in my life. I know I'm prying conversations out of people, constantly commenting on shit I wouldn't normally comment of. I'm feeling depressed, but not like any depression I've felt before. I'm not sad, I feel like I'm falling and grabbing at anything to stop me hitting the floor. I'm more open to people than I've ever been, I'm more compassionate towards people who would have otherwise pissed me off  (some woman I know who wasn't who I thought she was). But on the other hand I'm screaming internally "HELP ME!" and nobody can hear me, they just carry on with their lives and maybe think "poor guy, he'll be ok" but that's it. My own best friend can't help me, he listens and I love him, but I put on an act, I'm afraid he'll see me at my weakest. I don't want advice, because there's nothing anyone can say that will help, which makes me wonder why I ever bothered trying myself. But I know I helped Tom. He helped me. But the fact is, I met him in here, so he was already fucked up before we ever met. I'm so lost. I'm surrounded by familiar surroundings and I've never felt so lost. I want to help everyone in here, I want to fix them, I want magic powers so I can give them what they want, I'd happily do it anonymously. But that's not something I can do, and maybe I'm really hoping there's a guy out there who can fix me. I don't believe in being anyone's saviour, but I have to believe that we can be eachothers brother, not an actual brother but a comrade, like we're in the same war. Someone who knows and doesn't care about the reason why we're in here. I realised something just this week. What I think of you, isn't what you think of yourself. It blows my mind. How could I have been so naive? We know absolutely FUCK ALL about ANYONE...EVER! That's a mind blower. I'm rambling, off on a tangent. I don't know you, I never will, not really. But I really want us to come together and make an actual community. If anyone knows what I'm saying, just tell me I'm not crazy. I once said that depression has a 3 month shelf life, but I think it's less, I think it's about 2 weeks. Then they're over it and you're left alone to deal with it and work through it. I don't know what I'm getting at. Like I said. I'm lost. I'm hopeful, but I'm not sure where I'm going. 

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@YOTH I know what you mean about your closest friends and wanting to tell them but not wanting anyone to see you at lowest/weakest. Don’t think I’ve felt so helpless in they kind of situations. 

Im downloading zoom at some point this week and when I’m not so busy at work we can hopefully set up times we can chat and get everything out. 

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