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Unhealthy sexual obsession


jojojojo
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Feeling small found its way in my head since puberty. One particular way was there from the start. Was anyone else obsessed with the size of their brothers penis? I did everything i could to see his soft and hard and kept trying even after i saw it.  Or is this just me? This created a huge amount of guilt and contributed to my depression and shame, even issues with questioning my sexuality. Seeing him and seeing him and seeing he was nearly identical hard just made me feel worse that he seemed fine with it. It kept feeding sexual fetishes and kinks I wanted no part of but could.not escape. No matter how much i knew it was wrong and not important I could not get it out of my head. Even as a middle aged man it comes back and I feel ashamed. Being small effected a lot of my life and obsessions like this always kept it in the front of my mind. Bringing new waves of guilt and shame. Just one more way I seemed never to escape the thought everyone was bigger then me. My desperate need to compare with out showing off was/is overwhelming at times. I watch a video of him hard over and over and over. Feeling guilt after but pure pleasure at the time. 

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  • 1 year later...

Wasn't my brother as had none, but all my peers had early puberty in 7th grade at 12 while I showed no sign of puberty until turned 15.  All except a few churchy moralistic peers took every opportunity to humiliate me.  Theyloved and relished their superiority. 

They took every opportunity to show me their superior development and some tried to intimidate or tempt me into servicing them by showing their seemingly enormous genitals and describing what guys like me should do.  Never gave in, but often felt the urge, getting my still tiny erection.  I came to believe they were right.

When I'm honest, I realize I never recovered from those years especially because I turned-out to have a below average penis when I eventually matured.  I was able to have sex with women later, but could never shake the inferiority feelings when tended to destroy everything.

Strange that you had such a problem when not actually smaller than your brother.

 

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I had a friend down the street a ways, not real close, when I was 12.  I was stunned when we changed together prior to entering the HS pool during an outing  His genitals were huge and he talked endlessly about how he enjoyed playing with his big hairy cock.  I had no hint of puberty.

He didn't humiliate me directly but found ways to do it indirectly.  For instance, he told a joke about a bunch of kids misbehaving in the bathroom at school.  The leader of the group was named Harry Balls.  The teacher yells everyone with Harry Balls come out here.  Someone, yells, back, "What about peach fuzz?"

At the pool we had to shower nude and then wear cotton clinging "tank suits"  At one point we had to line-up to learn diving on the diving board which showed everyone including girls exactly what genitals we had.  My friend discussed for days how proud he was on the board displaying his big cock and commented on the size of everyone else we knew as displayed diving including which ones had erections, etc., laughing they must be "queers." 

Of course, I periodically got a tiny erection during all this.  At the time I had no idea what an erection was about.  My "friend" made its meaning derogatory.

He talked about cumming and creaming of which I was totally ignorant and told me about how some queer guys would suck a penis for the "cream."  He said he was hoping to find a guy that would do that for him.  He imitated sucking and slurping sounds.  I stopped associating with him as I was uncomfortable.  I didn't realize until much later he was trying to get me to service him.  I should have realized it as he kept saying some guys really get into it and love it, plus he took every opportunity  to show me his penis, sometimes erect, on the pretense of urination, etc.

Later other guys were more explicit.  I resisted and didn't get into that, but I was humiliated that so many saw me in that light.  No puberty onset until summer turned 15.

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1 hour ago, geronimo said:

That was vile, horrible bullying outasight, thank goodness you had the presence of mind to say No.

Yeah, I tried to deal with it by denying how bad I felt, putting up an I don't care attitude.  Definitely scarred me even though I didn't succumb.  

In a way, he prepared me for worse guys. . .

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