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Nightmares, PTSD


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English is not my native language

background: C-PTSD, BPD, Depression, Anxiety, Panic attacks, lived in an abusive enviroment my hole life. I'm 19, queer (afab). Almost 2 years on teraphy and meds.

I just need companionship and support, my only ex abused me for years, he was neglective, cohersed me to have sex with him and laughed about my mental ilness provoqued mostly by my parents abusing me my hole childhood. I'm so scared cause now he is back in the country after being one year away and I just don't wanna see him on the street or anywhere:( I'm so fking scared of him, his voice, his image, those memories are coming back and they are eating me alive. Now I'm so scared of people, I can't leave my room without taking my meds (antidepresants and anxiolitics) + lots of Clotiazepam. Like agh, I'm so scared of living, I just wanna sleep in peace but nope, he appears even there, his voice haunts me.

I need to live distracted to survive. 

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Hello, Octavia, welcome!

I'm sorry you've been suffering like this :( . It's a lot of stress, living in such fear. Good idea to 'reach out' on this forum! I hope it will help at least to some extent. You can even find here many 'distractions' ;) - for instance;





It seems that you might experience PTSD also due the abuse by your partner, that's why you're so very scared. Does your therapy address also the PTSD? (There are some very new therapies for rapid and effective treatment of this condition, but they are, unfortunately, not available in most countries :( , at least not yet. But perhaps the great results will persuade more countries to adopt it...)

May I ask you more about the actual risk you're in? (Because fear is one thing and real danger another.) How probable is it that you'll meet your ex by accident? Do you live in a big city? Are you sure you both frequent the same places? What does your therapist think about the risks?

And how are you satisfied with the therapist and the treatment? Have you already seen improvements?

It seems that probably that this new situation (your ex back in the city) is the main problem now. (Do you agree?) Are there people (other than the therapist) who can help you to cope with it? 

What used to help you, other than medication? Have you learned some techniques (CBT, ...) to calm yourself, to alleviate anxiety? If not yet, I think this is a good way to go: Learning new ways to calm down. Meds are helpful but... make sure you don't overuse them...

I have to go now. 

Take care and good luck!

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