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Fear of punishment for past actions(uncertain if it’s now part of my OCD)


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First off I’d like to say that I’ve been in therapy for much of my life and have been diagnosed as having ocd. My issue though is that I’m dealing with a real life event(s) that occurred in my past that has been consuming every part of my entire life and everything I do as a result of it.

When I was in my teens, roughly around 15 to 18 maybe, I would at various times in my life willingly engage in masturbatory fantasies that were truly sick and abnormal, and this is no mere exaggeration on my part I assure you. I would then make various promises and deals with GOD not to masturbate again and would say to GOD that I could be punished if I ever did them again. Well I did end up going back on the promises and deals I made with GOD as I continued to masturbate over again, including the fantasies which were sick and abnormal. I essentially brushed off all the broken promises and deals I made to GOD during those times and simply went on with the rest of my life without giving the matter that much thought for many of my early adult years. Then there came a point in my life when I began to develop obsessions over fears of having thoughts and actions which were blasphemous towards GOD. This is when I was basically diagnosed as having a form of ocd that involved fears of blasphemy. This diagnosis seemed to make sense to me as I had read up on such forms of ocd centering on fears of blasphemy and blasphemous actions. However as time went on I suddenly became fully aware once again of the real life situation(s) that had occurred back in my teen years before I had ever fully developed any real kind of ocd and as such I became truly fearful that these particular real life events from my past that I am now consumed with are not the result of my ocd, but of the genuine fear of me having committed true blasphemy against GOD during those times. Ever since these events fully came back into both my life and my conciseness I now live a life of complete fear and dread that I will eventually receive and face punishment from GOD for all these past actions of mine. My whole way of life has essentially been taken away from me due to this continuing and constant paralyzing fear of punishment. And it just keeps getting worse and worse as everyday of my life I am completely unable to do practically anything that I want and desire to do because I feel it’s all directly linked to both my sick masturbatory fantasies and my subsequent broken promises and deals I made to GOD to never engage in them again. And thus I constantly fear that if I do anything I truly want to do that I will now risk punishment because I often believe that they basically are all intrinsically linked to my actions I did when I was a teen.

So I’m now facing a continual and constant struggle as to whether or not my current views and beliefs regarding my past actions are a product of my ocd or if it’s a realistic and legitimate fear and worry of potential punishment I may receive from GOD. I don’t even really know if what I have can be put down to what is known as Real Event OCD. I’ve never read about anyone with Real Event OCD struggling with anything similar to what I’m struggling with. Plus practically every single case I read about this form of OCD involves feelings of guilt, not fear, over incidents and issues that are usually pretty mundane and trivial. I’ve never read about any one dealing with feelings of true fear over past events like I deal with. This all makes me seriously question as to whether I might have Real Event OCD or not. Can anyone on here perhaps help me out by providing any of their own particular insight into the current predicament that I’m facing every single day of my life now?

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Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I also appreciate the assurance you’ve given me over my past masturbatory fantasies not being a big deal. However my particular situation is different to most I’m afraid in that, unlike many others who have OCD and who have also dealt with uncomfortable sexual fantasies either in their past or present, I’m not in any way blowing the sick and abhorrent masturbatory fantasies I engaged in out of proportion or makin them out to be much more worse than they actually were/are in reality. They were truly horrible in a way that I’m sure you and most others are not even possibly imagining. This, along with all the various promises and deals I made, and then continually broke, to GOD to not engage in such masturbatory fantasies ever again is what is keeping me in this continual cycle of fear of receiving punishment for what I did back then and for things that I want to do in the future that I fear may be directly linked to these past actions of mine.

I will just state to both you and anyone else who reads this post that my sick and abhorrent masturbatory fantasies I engaged in in the past all partially involved people that I absolutely should have NEVER EVER included in such sexual fantasies. And me including and involving the particular people that I did into it was all truly sick and vile on my part.

My particular situation continues to seem so dire for me because there seems to be no OCD suffers who are dealing with anything remotely similar to what I’m going through. Even those who suffer from religious OCD are nothing like mine as I was never raised in either a religious family or environment. All I can think of is that maybe my OCD has been attaching itself to these past events I previously went through. I just don’t know though.

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  • 3 months later...

Hi, @RyVi, I'm sorry I haven't noticed your posts earlier!

I'm sorry you're so confused and thus suffer even more, as if the OCD wasn't enough.

It doesn't matter so much in practice if you can find an appropriate classification of your condition, but I can see that it can provide some reassurance and perhaps even help you to seek help. In my opinion, the fears you describe fit perfectly in this category:


(Although it seem also be related to this in a way (?): https://www.ocdtypes.com/sexual-ocd.php)

Does it help to know?

In any case, I hope you'll try to find appropriate psychological help for your issues. Don't seek help from the religious community; they are not psychologists and can even make things worse by not understanding and saying hurtful nonsense. 

Good luck and take care!

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