My husband waiting for cardiac surgery

[Loom]

Probably, the story will be a bit long. So, I‘m from Ukraine but currently I live in another country. I and my husband moved here 5 months ago with 2 our dogs because of the war in our country. When we were moving here, I was 8 months pregnant. Now I already have the baby and he is 4 months old. We’re here alone, it’s only me, my husband, our baby and dogs here. And very very soon my husband will have cardiac surgery. It wasn’t something very „new“ for me, I knew about his disease since the time we met, I also knew that at some point he will need the surgery. But as it’s probably often happens, I was hoping that this moment will never come or at least not like this. But.. we have what we have, after checkup local doctors said that he needs the surgery as soon as possible because the state of his heart is bad, which Ukrainian doctors haven’t noticed for some reason. As for now, almost all preparations are done and we’re waiting for the final date of the surgery.

I’m not going well through all this situation, I’m feeling very very bad and very scared. I think this began when I gave birth, it appears I wasn’t ready to this at all, I cannot handle anything properly. My child is doing good but everything else is out of control, I don’t have time for myself, for my husband, for our house, for cooking and I completely lost contact with the dogs. And now it’s this surgery… 

Thing is, that my husband is my closest person in the world, no-one, even my mother, isn’t that close to me. We’re together almost 7 years, and we’re spending most of the time together, and it never bored us, we always have something interesting to do, and even though we’re almost always together, it is never enough, we always wanted more time together… he is literally my world, I don’t remember how to live without him. I understand that this may sound pretty banal but it’s hard to describe all the depth of our relationships in short. 

Everyday, I wait him to be back from work and this helps me to live through the day, even if the day is shitty. Then, when I put my baby to sleep for the bed-time, it usually takes very long, around an hour, and I’m waiting so badly to spend time with my husband. When something goes wrong and baby doesn’t sleep, I feel very stressed that I cannot spend the evening with my husband as I don’t know how many evenings we have left. 

I cry everyday, sometimes few times a day, but I try to do this so no-one see it. I’m trying to be strong and optimistic for my husband, I’m telling him how good everything will be, making plans for future, but it’s so very hard to do this. He asked me once if I think that everything will be alright with him, and I said “of course”, like I have no doubt about that but at that moment I was dying inside, I’m so so worried about him but I cannot show this because he is probably scared even more than I. 

When I even imagine that he will be in hospital and I will be home alone with no way to talk to him, even this scares me. I imagine that I will put my baby to sleep in the evening and will stay absolutely alone in a dark empty flat that even isn’t my home, I feel terrible. I’m not even saying about the worst scenario with the surgery. 

I don’t know how to live through this, I would like to just fall asleep and wake up when it’s ended, but I know it’s not possible and that I will live through every single moment of this nightmare.

And there is no person I can share this, because they’re not that close or they won’t understand. My husband is the only one who could help me but I cannot say all this to him.

 

I know, there cannot be much help with this, but maybe someone an teach me how to go through this, what to do… I feel so lost… I want someone to save me

[LaLa]

Hi, Loom, and welcome!

I'm sorry for the late reply. This forum hasn't been very active in the recent years, so sometimes it can take days until anyone reads the new posts...

I understand how close you are to your husband and how important he is in your life, now even more than ever as your family is alone in a foreign country. It is natural that you're so scared. There is just one thing I would call slightly surprising: That you don't want to talk about the fear with him. I don't know, maybe it's somehow helpful to some people to talk just optimistically and hide all fears, but... Do you think it's really your case? You mentioned he's probably as scared as you are, he perhaps seeks some reassurance from you, but... it might be worse for him to have to hide his fears, thinking that expressing them would hurt you, ... I imagine that expressing them to you would alleviate his stress about the surgery. Perhaps he even thinks you're naive and cannot see any risks, so he doesn't want to talk about anything negative to protect you, even though he would need to talk about it. Perhaps he thinks that you would consider him being less "manly" if he expressed his fears, so he has to pretend. Wouldn't it be better to be open and honest? You don't need to tell him everything about you crying so often and feeling so terribly without him by your side, but you can tell him you'll miss him a lot when he'll be in the hospital. At the same time, I also hope you'll find a way to feel less "lost" and will find some strength to cope even when being alone with the baby, waiting for him. The baby is also his child, so perhaps focusing more on them, their presence, could be a way to "stay connected". I know they cannot "give you what he does". I understand that you need "his presence", not just "the notion of him in your life", but... this is a hardship that could also be an opportunity to evolve, to grow, to become stronger.

How you feel can be also influenced by the attitude, the narrative you choose. Now, your attitude and narrative are "I'm helpless without him, it will be too hard, he's the only one who can make me feel better, and I have to hide all this, as well as my fears, from everybody". But you are not helpless, you'll be able to cope (it's just harder if you tell yourself you won't), you can find ways how to feel better that don't rely on his presence (you just haven't got a motivation to try enough, so far - but this could be it), and you don't have to appear as strong and blindly optimistic, you can and may talk about your fears.

You can make a plan - alone or together with your husband - for the time he'll be in the hospital. What could you change in your daily "routine"? What can you do during the hours when your baby will sleep? If you have plans ("a list of possible activities"), it could make you feel better, but it could make also your husband feel better, knowing that you'll know what to do, how to cope, how to prevent excessive suffering from his absence.

What do you think?

I wish you both the best of luck!!! Mainly with the surgery and recovery from it - that's the most important part - but also with the mental preparation for it and with your coping during your husband's absence.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2022 by LaLa

[Loom]

Hi LaLa! Sorry for not getting back to you for awhile.

Thank you very much for all your advices! I think you’re right in many things. This really helps me to look a little bit different on the situation, I will try to apply this, hope this will help me to cope.🤞

Thank you again!

[Victimorthecrime]

@Loom hope everything is good w your husband’s health. Any update? 

[Loom]

@Victimorthecrime Thank you, no changes so far, the preparation are still in process, it takes a bit longer than expected. And till they aren‘t done, we won’t get the surgery date.

[Victimorthecrime]

@Loomok sounds like there is progress just slow. Keep up posted and good luck! 

[LaLa]

Hi, Loom,

How have you been doing? What's new? (I hope "no news is good news"...)