Back, from trip, strong urges to SI

[mscat]

Glad we made it back from Disneyland yesterday evening. My Foster Father picked my son and I up at 8am Wed. and we were there at 11:30. My son and I were in the Park by 12:30 pm . It proved to be the longest and mosst emotionally painful day in in a long time. The most happpiest place on earth?humm? not for me. guess I am like different. perhaps an alien of some sort. Too much people, chaos and too many things happening , is what it looked like to me, it is and was way overwhelming, for me, and It was stepping into anther planet... um , a shock, total out of my realm.

But, Because it was for Matt, my son, I did the best I could. It wa exhausting. We took the wrong exit , on the way out , and became lost, totally turned around. it was dark, cold , and had no idea where the hotel was the first night. we were tired, our feet hurt and it was cold!. It took two in a half hrs to make it back to the hotel... Finally.

I cried myself to sleep. The second day We slept in , i did not care to get up early or was greatly excited to do it all over again. We took it easy. Started out easy, and better. That day was better and went well. We did not get lost. BUT. I did get get verbally assulted by a big burly man waiting in line who accused me of 'hitting" him for 30 min. yeah right. The line was packed, and i was actually turned around watching Matt, that man scared the hell out of me, I reported him to security, but, broke down in tears... That sucked ass. We got a couple passess and did not have to wait in line for a few rides , because of that jack ass. I so wanted to go home and just SI !

We did not get lost anymore though. Thrid day we slept in again. Packed stuff up at hotel , put it in their storage, headed back to Disneyland , and naturally it was packed , FRIDAY. .... Thankfully we had one more pass not to wait in line for a ride, then MAtt got to wait in line for anther ride for 45min. we ate lunch, watch a star wars show, headed back to the parking lot, father endes up getting pulled over, and ticketed. :eek:

WE finally are on our way back home to the central valley CA. it is a 4hr drive. Darling little Suzi Yorkie ... Is at the window waiting for us... ANd now thank god its over.

AND as soon as MAtt is at School MON , SI I shall DO.

the end.

i need to feel better .

[Proverbs31:28]

Cathy, I am sorry it was so rough for you. HUGS I am very pleased to hear you stuck it out and that you stood your ground when you needed to- even if it did upset you. I'll tell you I took my kids to WDW in 2007 and I KNEW I would never handle the noise, chaos and potential for "losing it" on my own so my brother and SIL went with us. Even then I still had many many emotional moments, but I could walk away and collect myself. I understand the noise and the crowds, as I am really bad in that, too.

I hope you will take the next few days to collect yourself, your thoughts and focus on what is good: you're home, you have Suzie by your side, DS had a good time, you survived the trip and hold onto those thoughts instead of SI'ing. Hang in there, hon! YOu did great and you know we are here for you!

[Lie_low]

Cathy you’re not an alien. I know that I can relate to your experience and I’m sure others can as well. People can be overwhelming sometimes, and even mean and I think you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes people are having a bad day and they take it out on us (like the man who was so cruel to you). I know this all too well. Be proud of yourself for getting through it. I was wondering how you were doing and how the trip went. We really care about you and how you are doing. Please be kind to yourself. I know you’re aware of this but sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded--you don’t have to si to feel better. There are other ways. Can you think of anything else that you can do to nurture yourself and make it through this rough patch? Can you call your therapist and let him know how you are doing? You deserve to feel better without taking it out on your body—you suffered enough.

[pokets]

Cathy...

Good that u survived the trip, sorry to hear u had a bad experience from that man. I havent got loads of advice for u, but just to say you take good care, and try and distract from the si tho i know just how hard that is, i feel at a loss on wot to say but i just wanted u to know u r not alone and we care greatly about u and ur feelings.

jo xx

sorry i cudnt offer u more but u r in my thoughts

[finding my way]

How are you today, mscat? I have to agree, going to Disney never appealed to me as an idea either. I loved the satire on theme parks in the first Shrek movie. HOWEVER, we are all so proud of you for leaving your comfort zone for the sake of your son. Bravo! Aren't you sooooooo glad it's over (and that you did it)??

[mscat]

Yes,

I am very glad it is over. And thank you for the compliments, and support everyone. I am starting to feel better . It is going from one extreme environment to the other .... and thie is not an extrageration. I hid all this from my foster father who picked us up and drove us . I pretended . He is 75 yrs old, and went out of his way to drive us. Yes, it is a very nice thing for him to do:) but he just does not know me at all. Nor does the rest of the Jensen family, who was the foster family until i was in a mental hospital for 2 yrs. Then they declined not to adopt. "i was a messsed up kid" they were not the ones who did that either.

Gosh I got off the subject, anyhow, that's the problem everytime i'm around any of them those all come back to the top of my head . Among other stuff.

I am half way done unpacking , and slept most of the day yesterday. Matthew goes back to school tomorrow. And there is an apartment insepection on Wed. I live in Low income HUD/section 8 housing and twice a yr. there are inspections. I have to clean.

Wed. is therapy too. and yes, SI is greatly on my mind. When this happens, It won't leave , until I SI. Nothing Severe, just good enough to quit the urges not to, but, well then I will need to again.

[finding my way]

can you unblend, unmerge from your urge and just observe it? Right now you and your thought are one. Can you take one step back and say, "that is me having that thought. I totally get why I am having that thought. I have compassion for me having that thought. I have been through so much." ?

[paula]

Do you know mscat, you have achieved so much with what you have done, it would be a shame to let it all go to waste by S/I.

Just think of it this way, you did something that you was dreading! Who did you do that for? Your son Mat! Well think of that if you S/I. Mat wouldn't want you to do that!

Start as you mean to go on! Go girl you can do it! We are all very proud of you!

[mscat]

Thanks Paula,

I apreciate the compliment. The trip was for Matthew, and i'd never ever would have heard the end of it if we had not gone:eek: There are many, many reasons, several, dozens to SI that will not be satisfied until completed..... Because , let me try to put this in writing.

Cathy is not a complete , whole , real human.. often split, into parts. Therefore , when self injury occurs a specific body part is "targeted" to be burnt. It typically is hardly only felt temporailry. Then there is no pain. It is a ritual that must be done no matter what in order to be whole again. Not to be out done by the 'bad" part of me. The stupid, idiot, who can't spell, or do anything right, who is fat, and ugly, evil, hateful, and mean. The person that hides behind the other

The woman that tries not to let other s see .... her . Then there 's the other me, the me that writes down , you guys like . HUH ? i am not what you think i am. The nice gal. Sweet, caring, kind, person who tries to offer advice to all of you. :confused: That is the illusion. The perception . I'll give that off to others. But some of the other me shows.

the severe burn scars the tattoos all over my arms , the big body, oh fuckin well.... . There's two of me, split right down the middle. Like an AXE .

It has always been that way. ANd there is no getting away from it.

Welcome to HELL. I guess the bad, evil side takes over and burns the fuck out of the good part of me, what can I do, (shurgs) perhaps it is just stress? too many people? too much CHAOS? I hate noise, and so many people, and all that crap.

HELL i can't stand it, And don't even no how to be most the time , so how the hell could i've gone to that place? It felt like a forced trip? total loss of control? when something like this happens, I tend to lose it BIG time,. Seriously, big time.

SI is very complicated to explain as to why , and I am not sure how to explain . I just know it is there, and there is a need to, like a need that perhaps someone may feel at times to want to lay down and die. I can't do that, next best thing , for me is to SI.

Matt does not know about the SI, I wear long sleeves, and keep it away from him, he is away from school ..... . if your wondering.

[paula]

Hi mscat

Cathy is not a complete , whole , real human.. often split, into parts. Therefore , when self injury occurs a specific body part is "targeted" to be burnt. It typically is hardly only felt temporailry. Then there is no pain. It is a ritual that must be done no matter what in order to be whole again. Not to be out done by the 'bad" part of me. The stupid, idiot, who can't spell, or do anything right, who is fat, and ugly, evil, hateful, and mean. The person that hides behind the other

The woman that tries not to let other s see .... her . Then there 's the other me, the me that writes down , you guys like . HUH ? i am not what you think i am. The nice gal. Sweet, caring, kind, person who tries to offer advice to all of you. That is the illusion. The perception . I'll give that off to others. But some of the other me shows.

Who has fed all this into your head? Cathy, you are human, just like the rest of us! You are not an idiot! I can't spell either, I am Dyslexic! Have you been assessed for dyslexia, you could be too? You are none of these names you say you are! I like you and no doubt there are others on this site that like you too!

It is times like this, that I really wish I could meet you, truly! We all have our faults! Look at me! My moods change like the weather, I suffer extremely bad with Anxiety, I have Panic Attacks, stay isolated in my own home among a lot of other things! All because I suffer with Bipolar, which I hate!

We have all got a meaning to this life Cathy, and don't you forget that!

Welcome to HELL. I guess the bad, evil side takes over and burns the fuck out of the good part of me, what can I do, (shurgs) perhaps it is just stress? too many people? too much CHAOS? I hate noise, and so many people, and all that crap.

HELL i can't stand it, And don't even no how to be most the time , so how the hell could i've gone to that place? It felt like a forced trip? total loss of control? when something like this happens, I tend to lose it BIG time,. Seriously, big time.

SI is very complicated to explain as to why , and I am not sure how to explain . I just know it is there, and there is a need to, like a need that perhaps someone may feel at times to want to lay down and die. I can't do that, next best thing , for me is to SI.

Matt does not know about the SI, I wear long sleeves, and keep it away from him, he is away from school ..... . if your wondering.

I've had many, many encounters with HELL Myself! I never get to leave that place totally myself! But I never give up neither! Cathy, you mustn't either! You are worth a mum to Matt! You are worth a friend to me and everyone else on this site, honestly!

Please, Please don't ever feel that you are not wanted!

I don't understand about the S/I part of it, but I have my own hates! Like you are with the S/I Part of life, I'm like that with the Suicidal attempts of life! But hey, I'm still here! How, I sometimes wonder! It mustn't be my time yet!

I also have a son. Well Two in fact! But the youngest one lives with me. He is 21yrs old. He has found me on many occasions trying to commit Suicide! Now he follows me around like a dog after a dog on Heat! I know it shouldn't be like that, he has his own life to live. But... I get so Depressed, just like you, and I always think, 'How much more of this life can I take?' So... That is when I am thinking of ways to end it! I know how you feel, believe me!

[paula]

I think I belive what you your are trying to come across is Evaluating yourself needs to come from you Internally, Not externally. Do not look for it from others, Self esteem , the way you feel about yourself , comes from you. Self confidence, needs to be built up by hearing good things from how you feel about yourself internally, and knowing that your a good person no matter what, and no matter what anyone thinks of you. No matter how how you look , or what you do. That stuff is all superficial. A grade, an achievment, a behavior , does not make a person. It is our values , actions, beliefs, and how we treat others that makes us desireable , or social. WE choose to be the way we are. People can judge us on the outside, however , that can't take away who we are naturally on the inside. Who we really are. The real us. Honesty, caring, A conscience , A nice person, A kind, real guy a girl goes for .

Does that make sense?

This is what I found in another post, written by you mscat! Instead of trying to make others feel better all the time! You have got to start thinking of yourself for a change!

[mscat]

Thanks for all your input Paula. I find it easier to try and help others and support them, then I feel better about myself. I caught myself being off am. meds for a couple of days , not on purpose. It was the Lexapro, and a thryroid med.

The SI is the only alternative I feel I can do in times on helpless ness that I continue to get into , and the overwhelming desire to destroy oneself. Therefore, I did Self injure . I had not read any of these new posts until afterwards though. I don't cut.. I burn. The only reason I quit was becasue the some became powerful and stung my eyes too much in the bathroom. It is upon burn scars on the left arm, therefore, aready starting to blister... And aready starting to feel a bit better.

All shall call Steve, the therapist, and leve a message. I will see him on Wed. morning . I missed our session last wekk due to the trip which was much dreaded. Now that it's over all that crap was put into SI. It is difficult for anybody who does not SI to understand, however , I apreciate your efforts to try.

I am telling myself not to do anymore SI tommorow am , or repeat this again. Steve is use to all of this, he's not even phased by it one bit. It is just what I do and sometimes becomes worse then other times.

[paula]

I really wish you could get out of burning yourself! I know its easy for me to say, but there's more to life than doing that!

I know you may not think so, and I am the same most days, but I keep plodding on! I keep saying that one of these days I will do something, and I will make sure I do a proper job of it!!

That is something I do understand! The depression side of it!

You say you are going to see your Therapist on Wednesday morning, I will be seeing mine on Wednesday afternoon One till Three (2hrs).

Does your Therapist understand why you burn yourself? What is he's reaction about it?

How r u feeling now? Have you always done it? I know I'm asking a lot of questions and you may be thinking I'm a private investigator, but I'm not, and I'm trying to understand why you do it?

Why did you start to burn in the first place, I mean something must of happened? Just tell me to mind my own business if I'm getting a bit personal, but I'm just curious!

[Guest ASchwartz]

:)Hi Mscat,

It is important that you get back on your meds and I hope you have already done so. I do not know if you realize it but your thyroid meds are just as important in stopping depression as is the Lexapro.

Remember this too, that self hurting is addictive. It sets off the endorphins and that is what, in the end, feels good. So, the more you self harm, the more you want to. The idea is to stop so that the addiction goes away.

Allan

[Lie_low]

Hi Cathy, As you know we all care about you and I’m always sad to hear that you have hurt yourself. You deserve better than that. you have explained that you have lost a lot to the si (your freedom due to hospitalization, loss of mobility, and I would think the sense of comfort and security that comes with not being controlled by your impulses). I don’t want to resort to si anymore and I’m determined to stop it. Maybe we can work on stopping together.

[mscat]

Hi Cathy, As you know we all care about you and I’m always sad to hear that you have hurt yourself. You deserve better than that. you have explained that you have lost a lot to the si (your freedom due to hospitalization, loss of mobility, and I would think the sense of comfort and security that comes with not being controlled by your impulses). I don’t want to resort to si anymore and I’m determined to stop it. Maybe we can work on stopping together.

Thank you,

You had remembered a lot . Actually most ofthe hospital stays were ffrom the critical care unit, and surgries from previous SI's... As if that really matters, or the 5150's. I ned to stop trying to rationalizing the Si ing.

I try and tell myself as long as I do not SI like that to the extreme as mentioned above. I use Cigars.... All close together on the skin so it does not look like these big circles.

Yes, it has been told before an edorphine release , like a 'high" . ANd I did take the meds this morning. And was tkaing them faithfully at night to sleep. Just got off the am ones, which was stupid. NO , will not SI todady.

GOOD lord, I can barely write. I have to clean real good cause there is an inspection tommorow in these low income housing place. They are nice though.

Let's see if I can answer some of those ?'s Paula... LOL . The therapist , Steve. He knows about my SI. And he makes sure that it is not so severe that it needs fast hospital treatment. like the chemical burns I do at times. I can deal with the other Burns.... SI is NOT sucicide attempts. although he had to call my brother once to take me to the hospital for treatment on a chemical burn, but they just 5150 me there:(.

His reaction to the SI? He knows why. It is nothing new. I have been talking to him for yrs. ANd he use to talk to my brother. He has talked to outside Doctors too when I have been Hospitalized as well.

Feeling better today. And, I started doing this SI Burning at 16. AND also went through a severe eating disorder for 10 yrs of my life .among other things. The SI cam back worse then ever about 5 yrs ago. Can't explain why.

Why did I start the buring in the first place? Well I use to cut, but did no find that as "good" and do not like blood. AND I needed the pain. Well burning is suppose to be extremely painful for most people, correct?

For me, Because I SI and have done this behavior a lot and to the extreme , I have , I guess reduced the pain signals? because I barely feel it sometimes. Or I am numb to it. Or i have a high pain tolerance. Which i guess is more dangerous for a person like me. SO I can Hurt myself worse the meaning to.

I gues that is why I am on so many medications. The best way to describe it is like a person who does drugs. The more He does it, the more he needs more of the drug. Like me, I get use to the pain, so it becomes easier, or I tolerate it more. It is no big deal to me.

Gosh, this must seem absoultey sick to the rest of all of you guys. I am so embarrassed. one thing for sure, I will take care of the burns !

[pokets]

Hi

It doesnt sound sick crazy or anything, it is how u cope with your issues, granted not a very healthy way but its how u get thru. Its good that you will take care of ur burns, and that u have not done any further si, as much as you may want to. I do understand the wanting the pain etc but as a cutter i need to see the blood escaping its like a clensing of the body, that may sound weird to some, anyway im glad u hae a good t that u can talk to about your si, and that he doesnt flip out wen it happens.

You are in my thoughts

Jo x

[mscat]

thanks Jo,

I really needed someone to post something.... Esp, a si'er . most people cut, and even though it is a little different, it still is SI. Unfortunately, it is something all to easy to do , and very easy to fall back on. i do not even flinch .A very simple thing... And it so helps me feel 100% better. Just gives scars , lots of them. Therefore, scars, and tatts. That is the best way to describe what I look like. The tatts were to stop others from looking all the time at all the scars. They are pretty cool. I have paw prints on my fingers. Among other tatts :cool:

[pokets]

Hi...

I too have tattoos i think i have about 14, i found them to be very addictive. Unfortunately i have cut over alot of them, mainly the ones you cant see, i have a sun on one hand and a rose on the other, they are my fav. My scars are looking horrible but the more i look and detest them i just sh more to get rid of the feelings of self hate, im going thru quite a rough patch of sh at the min, so i can feel and understand where u are coming from tho our ways of sh are diff, they are still sh. and end result of destroyig our bodies.

U take good care

love jo xx

[mscat]

Those damn scars do come back and haunt us don't they Thing is, with me, i just go back over them with new ones and start over again.

My favorite Tat is my Egale. On the left forearm. it is very cool and detailed. I also have one on each side of my neck . And several all over my right arm... Flames, rose, star, dager, sun, comedy,tragedy, devil , .... The flames surround the smaller tats up my arm and hide a skin graph. However, on the forearm and wrist, hand fingers and 3/4 up the arm area are extreme burned areas with loss of mobility and movement. From anther series of SI... Not from a recent on though .Actually I am unsure as to how many times anymore the severe SI ones. SO When I write about the min. times, they seem to be no "big deal" really. It's hard to explain. Even the therapist told me he rather see me do taht then the severe form of si.

It must be difficult for u to respond when your struggling yourself , and i do apreciated your thoughtfulness.

Can I help u in any way? i came home and slept most of the day away.

[pokets]

Hi Mscat....

Just wondering how u r doing at the min? havent seen u around the past few days, hope all is well and that u r not struggling to much, if u wanna chat u kow where i am.

In the meantime you take gd care of you.

love

jo xx

[paula]

Hi mscat

Sorry for the delay in getting back! I haven't been on for a while as you can gather.

It's great news to hear that you are trying to curb it a bit on the S/I side.

You mention Tatoo's. I have x2. A red devil on the top of my arm & a mickey mouse splashing paint on my shoulder. Not as many as you and Jo though!

I am more into Body Piercings. I ahve both ears done all the way up, my lip dome with a sml Diamond and my Tongue done with a blue emerald. I never had my Belly Button done as my stomach looks like a Road Map after having my Two Boys.

Back to the Tattoo's though! A girl I know has got all Beer names. She has Lager & Bitter tattooed on her chest, Mixed tattooed down below and Southern Comfort tattooed on her behind! Looks pretty good as well. I wouldn't mind a pair of Lips tattooed on one of the cheeks of my Arse with kiss it written underneath!

Hope you are alright mscat.

[mscat]

Hi Paula,

I did notice your absence for a little while, glad your back. I have 4 ear piercings, but don't use them much anymore. ANd have one eyebow piercing that always has something there... I thought about getting anther under my lip . Or one more on my eyebrow. It was painless. I have more tats then my brother. LOL. They are expensive in the States, and I'll only get them professionally done. I need a touch up on my paw prints . They tend to fade because they are on the fingers, maNy peolpe at first don't even think they are real, and most people who are into tats love em. I got them done because of Suzi my Yorkie . I am one who thinks that if a person is going to get a tat then it needs to be shown off:) To me Tattoos are an ART.

[paula]

Yeah, I agree with you there. Glad your feeling better. You are the reason that I've called back on the site. Started to get a bit worried over you! I wish I lived in the States, then I'd come and visit you. Thats if you'd let me. No good talking about something thats never going to happen? Oh well!

Keep your chin up and I'll pop on from time to time just to see how your doing?

Take care Cathy x