Trying to figure out why NOT SI?

[malign]

Hi mscat,

I heard your answer to my earlier question, but we kind of got interrupted for a while. I think I can understand the idea of trying to localize the "evil" and remove it somehow.

Is it possible to do it in some less painful, disfiguring way? First, can you localize into some part that you can spare? (Hair and fingernails come to mind.) Second, can you remove the "evil" in some less destructive way? (Maybe some sort of ritual that doesn't damage you, but takes away the "evil".)

Those are the thoughts that occur to me. I have no idea how they fit with SI therapies; maybe they won't work at all.

It's just scary that you're building up to something hurtful, and there's nothing any of us can do except talk.

[mscat]

Hi mscat,

I heard your answer to my earlier question, but we kind of got interrupted for a while. I think I can understand the idea of trying to localize the "evil" and remove it somehow.

Is it possible to do it in some less painful, disfiguring way? First, can you localize into some part that you can spare? (Hair and fingernails come to mind.) Second, can you remove the "evil" in some less destructive way? (Maybe some sort of ritual that doesn't damage you, but takes away the "evil".)

Those are the thoughts that occur to me. I have no idea how they fit with SI therapies; maybe they won't work at all.

It's just scary that you're building up to something hurtful, and there's nothing any of us can do except talk.

Thank you so much malign > I really mean it. Just having a place to talk about this helps. Because every yr. I end up having a big eposoide > I do not recall if u were here last yr or not , however if u were , I had talked about it then as well. right up to the very moment. It's been happening a few yrs like that around the same time, mainly i believe because it is so I do not need to go out of town and see certain family , for the holidays, to sick , and recovering from surgries to do so then > Not really thinking about that , however it just so happens it works out that way:rolleyes: It takes several months to recover from a major eposoide , and I am literally in pretty bad shape for a while. Because when the Si occurs it is impulsive , and can become "out of control" quickly, more then necessary, the odd and most terrifying thing about it is that I can withstand that kind of Pa**. yes I feel it, of course , I do. ANd i am not going to say what I do on here, sorry folks, I will not, just that it is major, and it is not something anyone ought to do!!! When I am ok, I know better not to do that. For certain, however, once it is over , the pain is gone, it's too late by then to turn back the clock .

Gosh do I feel like a complete idiot , especially when it is the same DR's at the same place , who see u ...I got to act normal though, and act fine, pretend all is great, and I was not crazy ore trying to kill myself . Because if they think that, I'll certainly get locked up in the nuthouse. And that is the last place I want to be going. As long as I do not say I wanted to die, then I get to go home. Because everybody knows SI is so different then killing oneself, no matter how severe the SI is, LOL .

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

I have read your descriptions of yourself as a hermit, as someone who cannot leave home, etc, before. I also just read your self description as someone who has handled your son up until now and must go it alone.

Ok, but, why? I am beginning to suspect that your self harming behavior has to do with your social isolation. When there is no outlet, what is a person to do? One option is to engage in self harm. The fact is that we were made to be social creatures and that is why isolation does not work.

I feel worried about you.

In my opinion, and this is only an opinion, you need to break through the blockades that hold you back. The biggest is your social isolation even more than your son.

Mscat, is it possible that, behind the "I can't, I'm a hermit," I am really hearing, "Oh, no!, no,! I won't, I won't?"

What are your thoughts and others???

Allan

In other words, my guess is that the discomfort of being with people would be better for you than what you have been going through up until now. That includes self help groups where people do not even have to speak in order to feel supported and to learn new ideas.

[Lie_low]

Hey Cathy, just to let you know, naturally I’m a bit of a hermit. This is a natural instinct that is worth fighting. I keep everything to myself…and take it out myself--hence the si. Going along with what Allan wrote, I think making connections with other people is an important part of getting better, (at least that’s what my therapist says, lol.) And believe me it goes against every bone in my body to open up to other people, but I’m doing it more often and it seems to help. Although I don’t often enjoy my job it has helped me to meet new people and stay a part of the human race when I would have otherwise probably drifted into complete isolation. And I am thankful for that. Joining a support group sounds promising. If that kind of thing sounds too scary, would it be possible to volunteer someplace like an animal shelter, or to take on a part time job, so that you can break through some of that isolation?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Lie_low and Cathy,

A long time ago, I recommended to someone who was very depressed and never came out of the house, that they take a volunteer job at an animal center, and, it ended up changing that person's life for the better in a million ways. Good idea, Lie_low.

[mscat]

Thanks lie low. i do love my pooches . I have thought of this, however, their are ill dogs who come into animal shelters, and I don't want to bring home a illness to one of my furbuts, + the nearest shelter is a hr away, we live in a very little town .

I'll tell u why I stay to myself, more as I become older. It is because I find that others (people) Suck ass. I find them loud, ignorant, boring, annoying, selfish, rude, and only looking out for themsleves. Their is always a catch when it comes to a so called "friend" that friend wants something . There is always strings attatched .And if the person is OK, then the so called friend want u to meet their friends , No thanks . There has been not one time that eventually a person HAS NOT screwed me over. Sorry Allen, I am serious . Not being overly dramatic or anything overexgerating.

I have contact with my biological brother, he comes to see us everyday. He helps with the cleaning and shopping. ANd driving, and when needed takes care of my son and dogs if I am sick or in the Hospital.

I am not one for chit chat, however, I will only talk to certain people , and that is IT .Such as the dog groomer, i stick to the same groomer, the same vet, ect.

I do not SI because I do not socialize . BTW, I have recently found out officially , by the Pych. DR. that I have PTSD too . I don't know? Maybe this is why I need it quiet, dark, inside, I startle easily, and see shawdows, I jump out of my skin, I can't be touched, I freak the shit out, Bright lights, Noises , all of that litteraly maake me forget to breath.

No I SI to feel real, to cope, to be in control, but then I lose control, To kill the pain and make the evil, and BAD inner part of me all GO WAY, I SI to escape , and to purge myself of the darkness that lurks inside of me, all the things I would like to that I can't do, all the anger , hate , goes , into that Major SI, I'll get to the point that I do not care anymore, and when it is over, I am even surprised as to how much damage i really did to myself. OOPs , Now I am In for a world of hurt >

[finding my way]

How are you, mscat?

[mscat]

Thanks for asking Finding My Way

My son is going back to school tommorow. He will be a Jr. in H.S. Although full time in a special day class out of town, I still amazes me how fast he is growing up!

i'll start being home alone all day again, which is difficult, and bring back much hard urges to fight off of self harming. They build up much like a volcanic eruption > Laying dormat , then going off, in clouds of gray ashes , sometimes with burnt lava streaming a glow , threatning the survival of those near her. okay enough with the B.S.

I have to DO all the laundry and it is a lot . my son says it is back to hell > LOL. he loves his teacher and friends, just getting into the routine is hard for him. Oh well such as life. He will be fine. I have a appointment for the pup at the vet, so their is something for me to do . It's out of town, everything is out of town, we are in nowhere's land. At least I i'll be doing something then waiting for my child to come home .

How are you doing?

[finding my way]

I have 2 more weeks before I have to be back, so that is awesome for me. However, there are many tasks I have been putting off that I should do:p

Just want you to know we are here for you Cathy. Your writing is very expressive. Write here with us as much as you need and let's see if we can together help you through this next phase of the journey!

[malign]

I often find myself following 'finding' around paraphrasing her words. :-)

I only do it when I feel a need to add my own personal good wishes to hers:

Cathy, I know how hard this is going to be for you. I know that probably nothing I say could be enough to stop you from hurting yourself, if that's what you want to do. What I do hope is that something, and maybe it'll just be knowing that people out here care, hope that something will make you change your mind, and try something different this time. Just a slight modification, something that makes it less painful, less permanent, less degrading to yourself.

You're in our thoughts.

[mscat]

I often find myself following 'finding' around paraphrasing her words. :-)

I only do it when I feel a need to add my own personal good wishes to hers:

Cathy, I know how hard this is going to be for you. I know that probably nothing I say could be enough to stop you from hurting yourself, if that's what you want to do. What I do hope is that something, and maybe it'll just be knowing that people out here care, hope that something will make you change your mind, and try something different this time. Just a slight modification, something that makes it less painful, less permanent, less degrading to yourself.

You're in our thoughts.

Thank you , malign.

My son's first day back to school is today> It is not as if I am Pulling out the SI tools and burning my arms up today. No. It has not hit me yet. Their is a build up. ANd when I can't take it anymore all that energy/hate or evilness goes pouring out towards myself.

People have commented that the last burns have started to finally fade a little on my left arm. That has taken a year. My brother tells me it looks like I was in a car accident. The skin is bumpy and very pink and splotchy, it is obvious , on that arm , still no hiding major third degree mess on the right hand and forearm , upper wrwrist area either, lost mobilty in the hand on that one too. Meaning I can't close my hand , make a fist or anything. I was told too, before surgery their was a chance that I may be losing the hand all together .

Anyway, today I am a little weirded out w/o my son here. It is me and the pooches. I need to be going though, the puppy has a vet appointment for vaccines . That will keep me at least a little busy. It's a good 45 mile drive one way. WE live out in the middle on nowhere . Everything is a drive to go anyplace. I hate driving alone .

I'll keep writing in my SI thread it helps me . And u guys reponding .

[malign]

You know we'll be here.

I know it doesn't happen all at once; that it takes a build-up.

That's what we're trying to help with. Maybe there's a way to defuse it, or to direct it towards something less permanent, less painful.

(I already know the list of scars, and that some days your hand is so tight that it makes you type differently. Maybe there's some other way to keep score in the battle between good and evil?) ;-)

I guess the point is that we love you and it hurts to know that you hurt, whether in your heart or on your skin.

[mscat]

You know we'll be here.

I know it doesn't happen all at once; that it takes a build-up.

That's what we're trying to help with. Maybe there's a way to defuse it, or to direct it towards something less permanent, less painful.

(I already know the list of scars, and that some days your hand is so tight that it makes you type differently. Maybe there's some other way to keep score in the battle between good and evil?) ;-)

I guess the point is that we love you and it hurts to know that you hurt, whether in your heart or on your skin.

shoot, now this got me tears to my eyes , nearly 1am and I just happend to read what a thoughtful response , and caring person wrote , have not heard anybody say that to me in years, or remotely seem to care . Thank you. I can't believe it made me cry though, guess it was what I needed to know, that their are those people out there who do care enough and know me well enough to respond with heartfelt words of kindness.

I'll just say what happens is that everything I do goes first to my child. Matthew. However, he is now a teenager, although disabled he has the attitude and direspectfulness, horrible sometimes, and takes it all on me.

I have family , however my biological brother drinks too much and does not understand me at all, then teases me son relentlessly, to the point it makes my son so angry he throws tantrums, at the age of 16 . No relief there! i am not close to the family who raised me, and moved away from them. Not being good enough for the foster mother, who in return was emotional and verbally abusive, after being placed in their care from extreme abuse at a very young age and removed from biological parents at the age of 3 with 3 brothers, they also had a infant son who they ran away with > My baby brother.

As it does seem a mess IT WAS , all in the past though, escaped that hell at 16, but into a mental hospital for 2years, into a goup home and then for anther 9 yrs a severe eating disorder. Yep it has been a "wonder life" not to mention the self injury off and on too , not a joy ride, and the Petty theft , jail time, community service , allthe stuff, and sexual promiscuity. hey well that was the fun part I was not young when I got pregnant though. Just too thin and ED. That was nOT fun. & i had a steady one man b/f . 16 yrs later here i am . Much fatter now, older, with a bit of gray hair :eek: . Tats , and the rest is history . The places I will not SI is wher ethe Tats are> I do have have several of them ! The out patient burn nurses told me I need have more tats so I stop Burning . I have small paw prints tats on my fingers, 16 total. My right arm is all tatted, left forearm , both sides of my neck, and the left side of of calf has a black rose . ANd a eyebrow piercing. Just one.

[finding my way]

Hey Cathy, we do love you so!!!

If you were to get another tattoo, what would it be of?

[malign]

Cathy,

My thought was: full-body tattoo! Then there won't be anywhere you can SI. ;-)

Okay, it might not work, but it was worth a try.

I'm sorry that you have not been told that people care for you. Maybe you need to get out more! :-) I know there are lots of us here who care for you. I hope you can make a list for yourself; it would be presumptuous of me to do it. But we are here, and we are listening.

[mscat]

Cathy,

My thought was: full-body tattoo! Then there won't be anywhere you can SI. ;-)

Okay, it might not work, but it was worth a try.

I'm sorry that you have not been told that people care for you. Maybe you need to get out more! :-) I know there are lots of us here who care for you. I hope you can make a list for yourself; it would be presumptuous of me to do it. But we are here, and we are listening.

Yes, that is what the all the nurses had in mind too Get out more ? :eek: I am a hermit , really , I do not and dread the getting out . The list is an alternative, thank you for the suggestion.

it has only been 3 days since my son has been back to school. It is difficult for me not to disconnect and go numb , then fight off the SI that comes on like a firestorm, until the urges become too powerful. Waiting for the storm to hit all at once and the force will be strong , ugly, fierce , vile, evil as hell. DArkness will prevail. UNleashed against oneself in a pitiful attempt to stop the fury of maddness from overtaking her soul, entrapping her forever in a loss of darkness only demons and witches prevail.

Hoping to return with just the bitter scars of burnt flesh as the sad truth reminds her of where she's been , and to have escaped the darkness once more. Not to be taken by the dark forces that awaits her . The rancid smell, and blackend flesh , is the tall tale sign of everlasting death of flesh that once was alive , then taken by the very hands that ought to have known better ,to have lost complete control of the body, but then to give in, by forces beyond her control pushing and pushing too hard , once more until there is a sense of loss, given into the evil once more that lays dormat deep within inside herself . An Ode to A severe Self Injurer .

[finding my way]

once more until there is a sense of loss, given into the evil once more

Hi Cathy, you are doing an excellent job expressing how all this feels for you. And you are letting us in to a deeply wounded part of you, which is very brave. From what I understand, the empty feeling is what starts it all. Maybe that empty place isn't evil, Cathy. Maybe that is the very place that needs you, needs us, needs your patient mindfulness most of all.........

Just letting you know we are listening and that we care so very much.