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Afraid of trying, afraid of NOT trying


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Hi, I reposted this from my blog:

I have to try to find work. Now. For my family. My husband just received a blow when he found out that his father terminated his insurance, collected the money and didn't tell us even when we were asking to borrow money from him.

But I'm afraid of how it's going to affect my daughter once I am not around most of the time. I've seen how other families are affected by one parent gone and I don't want that to happen to my girl. I am not fully confident that my husband will be able to care for her AND run the net cafe business from our home at the same time. But I know that I have to also fear what COULD happen if I don't at least try to get a job. I don't know, I'm still not convinced. Please, advice anyone?

I would also like to add that, even though I am afraid of leaving my little girl, I am MORE afraid of leaving her with other people, like hired help. (That's assuming I get a job and earn enough to hire help and save up.) And my husband's net cafe is down to only two functioning computers because we don't have money to upgrade the computers. With what those two computers are earning, we can hardly save up. Obviously we need more income than what is coming in.

Edited by OCDmom
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Hi OCDmom.

Difficult times for you and your family, with hard decissions that lay ahead.

I can understand your reluctance to return to work, it will mean leavung your little one, possibly in the care of child carers, or with your husband, who is very busy.

Is there any possibility of applying for a job, that provides creche facilities ? That way you can return to work, and still be safe in the knowledge that you are still in the same building if your child needs you.

Take care


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Hi OCDmom,

does a job mean full time work for you ? I ask this because maybe if possible starting out on a part time job would be easier for you and your child? Not going back on a full time basis for now, then slowly after working part time for a while, then to a full time poisition after 6 months or so ?

That way the stress would be less on your child and you? I taught preschool and school aged children + directed an infant toddler program for over 20 yrs. Many of our parents had to leave their precious children in our program over 9-10 hrs a day. I never knew how they could do it. However, in certain areas where it is very expensive to live, this is the norm.

Those children , many became so close to me, as their teacher, sometimes, slipping and calling me mom.

I understand your concerns . I would not want to have to go and work , knowing that my child may not be taken care of the way I would.

Is their a family member that you can trust? grandma, aunt, sister that may be able to care your little girl?

Because , in order to work sucessfully , your going to have to not have to worry about your child. It will impede your work performance.

i know this by first hand experiece. First and foremost, check into all avenues of childcare arrangements that will be good for your child and help you know that your little one is safe, and well cared for. This needs to happen before even starting to think about working.

Best wishes to you,


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Thanks everyone for your posts. I'm not sure that part time jobs here can be worthwhile, but I'll look into it. As for babysitting and getting paid for it, I really like the idea and I wish I could do that, but it is just not our custom here. It is the maid who babysits as well as take care of the house and wash the clothes. And the pay is very little. (Although sometimes a laundry woman is hired separately from the maid.) A lot of people from my country go abroad just to babysit or walk dogs or take care of old people because the pay is a lot better.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi OCDMom,

Assuming you live in the United States a part time job could solve your problems. Here is how: When people in the states work 20 hours per week they are entitled to health benefits from their employer. It's important that you NOT think of salary alone but that you think in terms of Health Insurance.

There is something I do not understand? How could your husbands father cancel your husbands health insurance?? Did your husband work for his father??

Also, rather than putting your little girl with a nanny, there are pre nursery schools that are very helpful and some of them are very low cost. How old is your child? Does she go to school as yet?

I thinks that part time makes sense but check out the number of hours an employer is offering and if they provide those benefits. Some of them do flout the law here in the U.S.


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Hi Allan. No, I don't live in the U.S. I'm in a country where a lot of us go to the US and want to work/live in the US. (I think in Canada, too.) I live where Ondoy recently hit us. (Have you guessed yet?)

Anyway, I had to try something so I e-mailed my resume to a call center here and I plan to e-mail another one.

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Hi OCDmom,

Ok now im curious

Where do you live ?

I know its not America, coz there 5 hours behind us English folk

I know that your 6 hours ahead of me,

Your location showa up as Southeast Asia

Bearing in mind ive not seen tv or heard the radio for a couple of months, and im rubbish at geography......

I'm gonna guess, The philipene islands

(sorry, i did sayy i was only guessing !!!)

Take care


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My ex-wife and I decided early on in our marriage that whoever got the highest paying job would work hard while the 2nd parent would be responsible for the children until the other parent came home from work. The question was one of logistics and practicality-- no one can take care of the children if you're out of money, facing losing your home and being out on the streets. This scenario was more troubling and dangerous than one of us working.

So, we both looked for higher paying jobs that we would enjoy-- I was able to do so quicker than she was, so I started working shifts and bringing in as much money as possible-- she stayed home and ran the house. I would come home and take over her role while she took a break.

Initially in our marriage, we paralyzed our decision making abilities by creating false dichotomies or false situations b/c we weren't able to see or didn't want to see what would work best for everyone. But soon enough we had to make a decision, otherwise we would have been homeless in a few months. This was 25 years ago-- the world hasn't changed that much I don't think. In you case, either you work or he does, to the point that there is enough money coming in. If he works, it may mean he invests (goes into some debt) in his netcafe to make it more profitable or he goes outside the netcafe--- or you go outside and get a job, he drops the cafe and watches the children. This can be temporary, but waiting for the perfect solution, it seems, only postpones the inevitable and may inadvertently create a situation that demands action of the kind you may not like (e.g., taking any job that comes along, being forced to make a decision w/o having enough time to consider it)

It seems your in the same dilemma we were in when first married. This was painfully tough for both of us b/c we both wanted to stay home and be the parent. We couldn't imagine our children growing up as you describe- but reality soon set in.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Edited by David O
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