physical or mental (trigger)

[Donna]

im not sure where or even if i should be asking this, im sorry if it's inappropriate, please delete it if it is.

errm this is kind of a weird one

it's a bit hard to word without being too graphic.

When i cut its because of the warmth and clean bright blood but its changed, now its always really cold,dirty and much darker it feels like cold water. I cant see that blood temperature and colour can suddenly change over night it somehow doesnt seem medically possible, am i imagining this sudden change? or if im not will it go back to normal again? its horrible and its really freaking me out.

[SweetSue]

Hi Donna,

I dont know the answer hun, sorry. You should ask your gp/doctor. To check on it. If nothing else they will be able to put your mind at rest. If its freaking you out then you shoul diffenatley seek advice, from someone who is medically trained. Its quite late now, you live in england right ? you could ask the people @ NHS helpline direct.

hope this helps a bit

take care

Jj

[Donna]

Hi Sue, Thanks for replying.

it's not so much the physical aspect that worries me..ive never really given a damn about my health ive messed that up a bit anyway. Although i want to there to be a medical reason so i know it will go back to normal and feel good again.

whats freaking me out is the feel and sight of it, i need the warmth,brightness and cleanliness back and the coldness makes my skin crawl it feels horrible.

like you said i could see my gp, im dumb and didnt even think about that lol but i wouldnt know how to approach the subject, he knows what i do but im not sure how i'd go about it?

Edited October 11, 2009 by Donna

[SweetSue]

Hi Donna,

This is going to sound weird, but Im feeling weird today anyway, go figure !!!

When I s/i its to cleanse my body and my veins of the evil that flows through me, in hope that somehow it will work. It never does, not for long anyway. Then I get cross with myself and keep doing it, coz in my mind I obviously hadnt gone far enough, deep enough,done it wrong, what ever there is always an excuse that I use to try again.

I think that my blood is evil, that it is not like the blood that flows through others. That it is unclean, therefore it makes me feel unclean, its evil, so in turn I am evil.

According to the p/docs and the nurses here, that isnt the case, that it is just another of my delussions, my mind and thoughts playing tricks on me.My blood is just the same as everybody elses, it just dosnt feel that way to me.

Just thought I would share that with you, it probably dosnt make much sense, and to be honest I am that all over the place right now that I have forgotten what I was going to say.

Do you think that it is possible that maybe your mind is just playing tricks on you too, that really your blood is normal, but coz you are that run down at the moment, that your blood just looks and feels different to you ?

Its just a thought, probably way off the mark, if I were you I would go back to your gp in the morning, your gp will be able to give you the answers to help you feel better.

Hope that you feel better soon

Take care

sue

[Donna]

Thats what i was wondering but it just seems so real and feels so cold that it's really hard to imagine it is only in my mind.Ive never had delusions before i dont think, or maybe there are different kinds?

i have to go to dr's anyway so 'll try to think of a way to ask him.

you dont sound weird lol i wouldnt notice even if you did - im weird all the time!

[SweetSue]

Hi Donna

Me again, sorry !!!

The mind is much more powerful, than any of us really give it credit for. It sends me Doo Lally if I let it.

The only way that I know of you are going to be able to find a way to let your gp know what is going on, and how you are feeling presently,is by beeing brave, tapping in to your inner strength and courage, take a deep breath and just go for it........

Maybe someone else here has gotten some more helpful ideas ?????

[David O]

Good morning Donna and Jj,

This thread and others like it remind me so much of another condition. I'm in no way suggesting that this is what you are discussing or even similar to, except for one thing, the sort of "foreigness" of your experience and the relief once you SI.

I had a 42 year old male patient in hospital one time who believed that his left leg was not his and that he would not be complete unless it was taken off. Numerous MD's refused to remove it so he went to Mexico where the surgery was promptly performed for a small fortune. He believed strongly that as an amputee he would be a more whole, mentally healthy (since the leg belonged to someone else he believed) and sexually much more appealing. He even stated that as a teenager, he would become sexually aroused if he hopped around his bedroom on one leg, pretending to be w/o that extra, unnecessary and "stolen" leg that belonged to someone else. Over the years I've worked with 3-4 others who have had similar desires. The situation was not as a result of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a delusion or hallucination of some sort, it was not a condition that appeared on the diagnostic manuals (although it was a condition that was very rare) or even connected to a mental illness-- it simply was a desire for the removal of an unwanted part. As an aside, there are currently numerous "amputee groupies" groups worldwide: men and women who desire a mate with a missing limb.

There is something deep within, beyond the endorphin rush and feelings of relief following an SI, that is somehow met. I used to (when I was a teenager nearly 1/2 century ago) self abuse thru punching myself in the head or knocking myself out by ramming my head against a door frame or wall. At times I would end up unconscious... but the interesting part was that I felt instant relief (then the headaches followed). I was in deep pain as a child from my severe trauma (PTSD), and the "monkey chatter" or sounds in my head (not voices) would leave once I did this. I struggled with PTSD and anxiety, anger, deep sadness for the loss of my childhood, and the self harm was a way for me to dissociate from the immediate tension and overwhelming sense of not being able to feel real at times.

The descriptions of the amputees and my own self description of my experience were very similar: the head-banging released the demons and the lost leg made them whole. While it seems to make no sense to outsiders, SI can be seen as quiet functional; that is, it contributes to the coping ability/skills and continued existence of the person. For example, drug abuse can serve to mask the painful memories of past sexual abuse. One patient I had would SI on her legs as a reminder that her painful abuse was real and not imagined.

Jj and Donna, when you SI, is there one reason or are there many reasons for it? Does the sight of the blood reduce unbearable tensions or is it an escape from emptiness and feelings of depression or unreality? Does it help you know and feel alive and/or does it distract you from the panic of psychic pain? Can it be used for releasing anger or as an expression of releasing emotional pain in a physical way? Do you ever use it to exert control over your body or even the environment, or as a way of reducing the feelings of alienation?

David

[SweetSue]

Hi david

For me the quickest and simplist way of describing, why I have and used to s/i is this......

My viens are filled with evil. The evil flows through my body. Im not an evil person. This makes me clash with myself. I have to get the evil out of me, so that I can be just me.

The only way to get the evil out of me is my veins. Not the ideal of solutions granted. but there it is. The sensation aterwards is one of relief, occumplishment, freedom etc. That only is temporary, then the cycle begins all over again. The evil is deep inside myself, there in reality is no way it will ever leave me, but this dosnt stop me from trying. Everyone is different, we all have our own reasons for s/i.

I do apprieciate your views, and I am sorry that you went through similar things. I wouldnt want that for anyone. I dont completely understand what you mean, but mostly coz I am confussed in my own world at this time. Thankyou for your words, and for sharing. How did you overcome your feelings of s/i ?

But this thread is not about that,

This thread is about trying to help Donna, to overcome her fears of getting help with what she is going through, and trying to help and encourage Donna, into having the couraage in expressing her feelings to her gp/doctor.

Hope that this makes sense ???

take care

Jj

Hey Donna,

Hope that you are feeling a little better now, and that all went well with seeing your family, your grandson sounds a bundle of joy !!!!!

take care

Jj

Edited October 11, 2009 by SweetSue

[Donna]

wow i cant imagine needing to be amputated and that surgeons would agree to it!

In answer to your question David O it depends, if it's anger then i s/h in different forms usually something that hurts or deep down despair that sounds a bit dramatic sorry something that makes me feel ill.

It's actually quite a difficult question to answer i dont really have a specific answer and im worried about been too graphic, for me cutting is more for relief, a high and most of all the cleaness feeling of blood pouring/trickling on my skin and dripping onto the towel and the warmth and colour, it's calming and relaxing.

ive started using it during sex too, it makes me feel cleaner when i feel bad, we (me and partner) occasonally like knife play in a safe environment (we practice the more extreme side of s&m ) although he wont do it if he suspects it's not for the right reasons at the time, i know i shouldnt use and manipulate him that way and he would be really upset and would lose a lot of trust if he knew.

previously it was only for pleasure when we played ..the two are very seperate things.. if im feeling bad i initiate it.

conversely although i see blood as clean, if im doing it for pleasure i see it as dirty (i dont mean sexy dirty) by smearing it everywhere! im a bit weird i think lol

im not sure if it's appropriate to post that here but thats s/h as well i think except i have an unknowng accomplice.

Edited October 11, 2009 by Donna

[mscat]

I hope it is ok to jump in this thread?

Hi Donna,

SI , is known to send an and endorhin release of chemicals in the body, much like a runners high, it is what makes the body feel good . That is why it is so hard to stop Si'ing . And that is why it is called an addiction.

If I may answer David O too ? Self harm is extreme and has taken on many forms and meaning for me. Not just reason anymore. Not out of anger. Mainly it is to snap back into being real , to feel something. Typically, for the past few years, I have one severe self harming eposiode , each year that takes several months to recover from. Then their are also minor SI incidents too. Once the pattern of Self harm is in place again, it is extremely hard to quit, no matter how severe the pain is, or what is used or where it lands me.

[Donna]

I hope it is ok to jump in this thread?

Hi Donna,

SI , is known to send an and endorhin release of chemicals in the body, much like a runners high, it is what makes the body feel good . That is why it is so hard to stop Si'ing . And that is why it is called an addiction.

.

i never really saw it as an addiction, it's just something ive always done in various forms although it makes sense because ive used it whenever ive needed right from being around 10 yrs old.

Sue, im sorry i didnt answer your last post i didnt see it, i think we posted at the same time!

I did enjoy the weekend thankyou and it was lovely to have my little baby (grandson) here,i hadnt seen him for 3 weeks in between he has started crawling properly he's really playful and it was lovely to see him charging around like a whirlwind now he's discovered how to get to what and where he wants lol.

It did wear me out though, much as i want my children with me i get very tired easily and i had to stop myself from screaming a few times naturally they want my constant attention which when you're not feeling too good can be demanding and exhausting.

I also felt a bit resentful at times and even wished they'd go away a few times because i really needed to do something and i couldnt,they're older and more observant now and i dont want them seeing anything they shouldnt it's hard enough trying to keep my latest 'messes' from them without taking chances.

I havnt made an appt with the gp yet i put it off yesterday using the reason that my son his g/f and the baby stayed over and didnt leave until yesterday after tea, i know thats just been cowardly and i will make one today, still not sure how to ask though.

[mscat]

To tell u the truth, Donna

this is the worst time of the year for me and self harm . It is too easy to hide the Si , and once started , it is very difficult to stop. No matter how or what it is I do .

Self harm for me , has so many reasons . to Purify , to cleanse, to release the badness, and take away all the darkness . To start over, erase and clean out the toxic's... to feel real, not to be numb, to fight off the demons > and to kill off the darkness that lies within me. I have a side of me that is extremely evil and dark , that is absolutely horrid , it can grab a hold of me at times, and I need to control this side of me making sure it does not get lose onto others, instead it goes out onto where it belongs, mostly the body, because a ot of times , with me I do not feel whole.

My body is not whole it is in parts , separtated, so i focus on a part and it gets destroyed> harmed Si'ed" .

That is how it happens for me. I am not young , nor am i am grandmother.

Still engage in self harm at age 41 , and it is severe SI > many times badly. but also not as bad either, the not so bad si time, hurt less. go figure. Don't know why I am even writing this, just am, can't sleep thats all.

Make an appointment with your gp ok?