(may trigger) Strong SI Urges

[mscat]

It really it no big surprise , really, Not to me. Just waiting until the time is ok to act upon the needs of self harming. Every freakin night the mind takes me there, and it goes to it, I see myself doing all of it, the Next Self harming incident. In which is extreme in nature. However, things have to be done first. It is frustrating, to have to wait.

Not to be able to react, and it is difficult not to be implusive , and react to those thought and urges that keep floating in my head all the time, begging me to destroy myself . How difficult is is not to , and how difficult it is for those to understand what this is like .

Hoe can anybody understand? I honestly do not quite understand this myself, only that it is there, and it is as if it is a push to SI that will not go away until the act is completed. Perhaps it is to be . To feel alive again, and to feel the pain ... To purify the skin , to cleanse , to start over , all that stuff , I will not bore , all , with the details. Just that it is there, always there. lying await . And it is frustratating. Because, their is tings that must be done beforehand, than , the act can be achieved>

God even writing this is pathethic .

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy,

The urges can be real strong. very overwhelming, so hard to ignore. I understand that extremely well.

There is probably no point in reminding you how shit and worse it makes you feel afterwards, right ?

But damn it, im gonna anyway.

i feel dissapointed in myself, the fact that i gave in, and gave up then eats away at me. The innitial feelings directly afterward soon wear off, and then get me frustrated with myself, coz obviously i didnt do it good enough that time, so i feel i have failed yet again, which then adds to my depression, not ofcourse add to it the embarrassment of when i have s/i'd to such a degree that i have ended up in a&e, and do you remember the way staff treat you, the appalling nature and attitude they show you. Geez that makes me feel even shittier. so much so that in one way or another it just dont stop me repeating the cycle all over a flipping gain. etc.etc.e flipping cetera

Cathy i really hope you still have some fight left in you, to go against your urges. Maybe try something different coz well we both know that s/i isnt a solution for very long, and it dosnt work that great anyway.

Try being nice to yourself, you deserve so much nicer things to happen to you.

I hope you feel better soon, sorry if this dont make sense hun, words are beyond me

please take care

your friend

sue

[pokets]

Hi Cathy my friend...

It is not pathetic writing wot u wrote, it takes great strength to put these feelings/emotions/urges into words

I understand about putting things in place b4 the act of si, not to a severity of you but i can understand wot u mean, especially about the impatience of wanting to si but the time not being right. I urge u pls carry on writing on here if it helps, may not be able to say the right thing but i will listen so u know ur not alone.

You take gd care

ill be listening

jo xxx

[JustTrying]

Dear MSCAT.... I am saddened to hear of your almost daily struggle with this.

Please know you are in my thoughts and Prayers.

JT

[mscat]

Thank you , my friends for responding . I think what prompted me to have such strong urges is my son is back in school. I just can't keep in at home all the time :eek: When he is at school he's gone.... Gone fron 6:15am-4:50pm each day . 5 days a week , only on Wed. he is home at 4 . This is difficult .Very hard to be alone , and very difficult , all the temtptations to self harm are there.

In Novemeber, well, I have to take care of a evaluation he has, for his development, my son is disabled, than a speeding citation in court, after that I am ready... By than , i'll be ready to explode with so much after those 2 major events . It won't matter anyway. November will e anther very difficult month financially . just as it is this month, because of the puppy's surgery.

Holiday season is the worse time of the year and very triggering, and this is the time where all hell breaks lose anyway for self harming , because it is easy to cover up the bandages . +Most of the time this is the time of the year when nothing can get me out of these depressing, terrible , moods. Moods are always quite this way, but in the winter they become even more depressing.

Out where I live it becomes extremely hot, than it gets extremely cold, and foggy. Fitting for my moods. One extreme to the other.

Afraid to SI though right now, honestly, because once I do, I know I am not going to be able to stop..... Holding out for the Big one, or a major stressor> God hope that does not happen.

[mabear]

There is nothing I can really say, except you are in my heart and I am praying for you daily for the strength to conitnue to resist. I care.

[SweetSue]

hi cathy,

im sorry your feeling so rough. i understand i really do. wish i could say something to help get you through this. but i cant find the words. know that my thoughts are with you and that i hope soon you will feel better, stronger somehow. please try to be kind to yourself, if not for you but for your son, he needs his moma, just as much as you need him. you need to be strong hun, i hope that your tomorrow brings a brighter day for you, one that is filled with joy.

please take care

sue

[mscat]

Have not been feeling well for the past week . Today I slept nearly allday again. To get rid of the dizziness . I hate feeling so dizzy . I am very glad it is already the weekend , because I have my son . WHen he is home things are easier.

I think I am in a bit of a depression , and since i am not feeling well either it does not help. Just not physically up for doing much of anything.

There is still a couple of weeks left in the month , and then the first week of Nov. Is busy> As well as the last. Looking forward until that is over so I can be done with it, and carry on ... i hate it , thinking this way, but , just that it has become a pattern, a -pattern that has not been broken.

[SweetSue]

hi cathy,

thinking of you, and hope that things feel better for you real soon. depression, just what you needed eh, NOT. the patterns we find ourselfs in are so horrendous, and painful.

but there is still hope, recognising the pattern we follow, means that we can find the way to break it, right ?

Hun, you know where we are, and you know how to contact me, even if you just need to vent or rant, i do care, we all do.

please take good care of you

sue

[mscat]

Thank you , Sue and everybody.

Trying to have it a low key day. Yeah right... Still in that state , where really needing to do things and not having the energy to get the things done .

It sucks big time. I have my door open , with the screen door open currently, and gosh my 2 dogs are reacting like crazy. The smaller the dog the more high strong they are. Goofy little yorkie. Then the puppy starts to growl.

She is getting her stitches out on Monday.

Glad my son is home, it makes things easier, and tolerable for me , well sort of. at least I am not alone. That prevent any SI from happening. I do not self harm with him home.

Just have to feel quite sad and stuff though, that never really stops .

[finding my way]

How are you today Cathy?

[mscat]

Thanks for asking Finding My Way. I did get up early , Got my son up for school , went back to bed, then wokke up to get ready to go with my broth to go out of town to take the puppy to have her stitches out. Well, the school called, and this time it was about my 13 yr old nephew. he was not well, and nobody could get hold of his parents, my brother or sister N law, oddly , because my bro was to come with me....

I picked him up from school , and he has been at my house ever since. He keeps calling home, no answer, I keep calling, nO answer. WE drove by, they have it all fenced up and locked. NObody can get in. I think their both asleep. My brother drank last night. He probBLaly crashed asleep . so did his wife.

I had to reschedule the appointment for the pupp. But oh well my nephew comes first.

That is what is going on, now how am I? worried aBOUT my brother. Hope he is ok. Worried about starting new meds. Worried about alll these urges os self harming , and when to , act upon them, when the best time is going to be.

Terrible, thoughts of doing so, and knowing it will I will follow through with it , helps calm me down, just knowing so. it is morbid, but , helps get me through bad days.

[finding my way]

Hi Cathy! Is your brother OK? Sounds like the pup is healing well. I have 2 days off from work because of the flu scare! It is so awesome to have a chance to catch up on a few things... I can see my floor again!

Hey, I know your thoughts are your way of coping, and we all have to cope. I am so glad you are still with us here in this. Here's my question, do you ever "plan" something for yourself that is luxuriously comforting? Like, if I can just get through this, I'll take a bubble bath, or, I'll watch a favorite movie? Does your coping plan have to be punishing?

Best wishes for you today!

[mscat]

Hi Cathy! Is your brother OK? Sounds like the pup is healing well. I have 2 days off from work because of the flu scare! It is so awesome to have a chance to catch up on a few things... I can see my floor again!

Hey, I know your thoughts are your way of coping, and we all have to cope. I am so glad you are still with us here in this. Here's my question, do you ever "plan" something for yourself that is luxuriously comforting? Like, if I can just get through this, I'll take a bubble bath, or, I'll watch a favorite movie? Does your coping plan have to be punishing?

Best wishes for you today!

Well I do like to smoke cigarrettes, but not to many . lol. I keep to myself, am a very quiet person. that is primarily how I cope. I do have som favorite tv shows I like to watch, and my little dogs , they are my babies. My son always keeps me bust, drives me nuts , a teen , so their is never a dull moment when is is around.

I do a lot of sleeping, my night hrs are turned a round a lot, and can't sleep often,so that happens often as well.

It is just a difficult time of yr where things come up, and i do get into a pattern of thinking behaviors that are difficult for me to control and NOT to turn towards this time of year after years of doing so, It is the same thing , around the same time of yr, always , having the desire and need , to Severely self harm that I need to .

A matter of time , and waiting, which I hate , hate the wait and thoughts , knowing so , and the planning , and all that goes into it, and knowing that it will happen , because in a lot of ways it feels as if i am not under control when that is what I am fighting for, is the control , wanting to feel aliive and not numb so much. The detatchment, and unrealness is too much.

Along with other things to have to deal with. My Pdoc has increased my meds and did add a med but it has not begun yet. A little scared about starting a new med though.

the other one is suppose to help with the detatchment. It is just an increase of the antidepressant I am already taking.

i had my brother help me with the driving , we took care of Miely , and he had to go and get a part to his truck. I got a call to pick his son/my nephew from school this morning, which I did , brought him to my place, had to cancel the vet appointment, nobody could reach my brother's family. It sucked. Finally he came and got his kid, and we left later, than i had to get my kid on the way.

Oh well. Shit happens. He did take my kid out and give him a burger and shake. I fed my nehew too.

Anyway, sorry this is so long. just trying to hang on , barely.

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy

Just wanted to say "hang on" in there, I know things are hard for you right now, I hope that your feelings ease a little soon.

I wish I could help a bit, nut kinda going through it myself at mo. thats why I deliberatley havnt read this thread for a bit. just wanted to say i care. and am thinking of you. Try stay strong hun

take care

sue

[mscat]

Thank u Sue, I know you are in a real hard place yourself right now too. Thank you so much for your kind words of support.

Cathy

[finding my way]

Well congratulations for making it to this point, Cathy. You have certainly been through a lot, and are still on the planet. You have a done a great job with making your son and dogs feel loved. I know things are not easy. I know the internet is not as connected as knowing a person in your vicinity, but I hope you can feel our love, and I hope that can help a little with your feelings of dissassociation and numbness. Thanks for staying with us in this, and for your honesty.

[mscat]

Thanks Finding My Way. Not much else I can do right now, it s as if I am stuck in the mud. ANd also , so out of control. That is the worst. The sense of losing control. hearing the voices is not helping at all either , making things worse than ever, last night a horrible two incidences occured , one , was at my brother's . I wa s in his home, I saw in his shelf from where i was standing , I stopped stared , and looked , kept looking , my eyes fiexed on this thing , to me it was a dead puppy, smashed inside these bookshelf's , I could see it's face and body , from where I was standing. My faimly has a bunch of little dogs, they frequently have puppies, It was odd , but it was horrifying at what i was seing as well.

I finally went up to the "thing " Bent down to have a look, well that was not at all what it was, just these little doll likt puppets things. What the hell did I see ... ., oh well at least it was not that.

Same day earlier , my son was gone with my brother, I was in the shower. I heard him calling me, MOM I'm Home. I ansered him back... I heard the dogs barking. I get out , and stuff. no one is home. I look , and my dogs are alsleep on my bed, my screen door is locked. Nobody is here. I am so confused . I call My sister N Law, and ask her is they had come back yet? She said No . I told her what happend. Later on I find out I scared her half to death .OOPs , did not mean it. I just called her to figure it out myself?

What in the world ?????? Yeah, ok well , this sort of crap is really not new. Just that it is out of my control, and is pisses me off. and it is confusinf as hell.

YES I have talked to my Psych Dr. about it, so now I am starting new meds. But the meds are such a low dose it probably won't do much . Hated to say anything at all about this , but he asked , so I just said yes. Did not go into detail.

Anther damn thing I can't CONTROL> which in turn sets me off , and just pushes me closer and closer to my breaking point. It is like everything just is lining up perfectly for a major self harming incident to occur , which than I would not even give a rats ass about . I am sorry , it is just the way I feel. Smetimes things become unbearable.