I am nothing

[notmary]

As I start to remember the horror of what he did to me I realize that I was nothing just an object to him. I hate this. I hate me. I can't keep remembering these things. I dont have any fight left in me. When I try to sleep these memories (is that what they are) overwhelm me. I try to knock myself out with sleeping pills or wine but the nightmares find me. Can someone actually recover from this?

[SweetSue]

In short YES

you can recover from your feelings.

unfortunatly it takes time, with me, it takes time, therapy and meds.

things get easier, slowly.

its difficult, there are no easy answers or solutionss, you just have to keep fighting, never give up, and hope that with tomorrow the pain eases and things improve.

are you currently recieving help from a doctor/ pdoc, they can help

please take care

Jj

[David O]

Good morning notmary (interesting username-- a denial of sorts),

You can go into longer term therapy to address the feelings or you can look into EMDR (Eye Movement Desinsitization and Reprocessing), which is what is often used with trauma survivors from rape, severe abuse and those returning from battle. The sessions are brief and you will not need to be in treatment for very long.

Go here: http://www.emdr.com/theory.htm for more information. The process is research based and recommended by the American psychological and Psychiatric Association as an effective method.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

[notmary]

Thank you for replying.

I am currently in therapy but I am not on medication. I was but I took myself off because I didn't feel in control. I have to stay in control so that I can take care of my family. I am so hopeless. I feel dead and horribly afraid at the same time. My therapist says that I will come through this, but I can't believe her. I wish I were dead rather that face the truth about me

[David O]

Hi notmary,

These things are never really easy to rinse out from our system. So many of us have suffered and we tell our stories to both self heal, to connect with each other, to show our vulnerability and humanity, and sometimes so that we may never forget.

Notmary, I grew up under the most brutal of dictatorships and while I can't go into excessive detail (it would take a book and would be too graphic) , what I can tell you is that we were repeatedly abused, beaten, sexually molested and so much more. For 13-14 years I saw and experienced more than any child should even think about. The images projected thru CNN and other news stations do those of us who have gone thru such horrors no justice in their ability to describe what really happens. There were days that turned into years in which being dead was preferable to life- and there were also days in which I could take only so much truth, and then I would need to shut it out.

And there were days in which I learned that my only hope for survival and growth was to let go and let a little bit more of life in. I ran between my original pain and trauma and my defenses, back and forth day after day—returning to what singed my life and then running back to the scaffolding I had built to self protect the Hoover Damn of pain. But doing the evil’s work, servicing my defenses, left me no emotional energy, time or resources for stepping forward.

My point in saying this is to unequivocally say that one can survive, grow from and become quiet healthy despite these experiences. Yes I still have my moments and things may trigger me, but I have learned to forgive, to love, to self accept, and to give and receive freely. I didn’t get here easily, but I arrived, and there is no reason you can’t.

The truth about you is not and cannot be defined by these experiences, the truth about you is not that you are tainted forever or that you are now made smaller and more fragile by this. Your truth, like that of many who survive and grow beyond these experiences, is that the capacity lies within you to be free of this pain. Look around the site, within this family are thousands of survivors whose posts speak of being able to move beyond the initial trauma.

Notmary, do you feel comfortable sharing with us what it is that is so traumatic and painful? You need not give us every detail, but just enough so that we can be more supportive and even wiser in our responses.

David

[notmary]

I am going to try to tell my story. I get very panicky when i try to talk about this with my therapist so I don't know if I can do this.

In general went to therapy for depression after a very traumatic event occurred within my family. Entered therapy 2 years ago. After this trauma, focussed on my children, husband, and his family to try and help them deal. As the initial shock wore off and reality of what had happened settled in I became very anxious and depressed and got helpf for myself.

I knew going in that I had major trust issues, fear of abandoment, self-esteem, and so on. Childhood was full of not so good things but many large chunks of just no memories...none at all just what I can describe as a black hole. therapy has been very slow going, mostly because I can't allow myself to open up.

Within the last 6 months, I have started having these events in my mind. In many of these, I am a girl "flying" above the scene where a little girl about 7-8 years old is being horribly abused. I hear a "tape" in my head (actually always had this in my head not jsut recently) telling me I am a whore, a slut, a piece of shit, etc. I have to stop.

[notmary]

I did not have a good night. Just writing this makes me sweat and shake and not be able to breathe.

[SweetSue]

hi notmary,

You did really well in telling us as much as you have. Try and relax now, deep breaths help to calm you down. i am sorry for what you are going through,

we are here for you

please take care

Jj

[notmary]

I have tried to relax. Spent time outdoors with the kids but all the time very anxious and frightened. I am trying to remember the deep breathing... not much helping right now.

Is there a way to delete what I wrote earlier?

[SweetSue]

Hi notmary,

you can delete the things that you wrote earlier, by clicking on the "edit" button. You can delete your words. i am sorry you feel you need to do this, i have done this myself, many times usually coz i am embarrased of what i have wrote. You have no need to delete the things you have said, but i can relate.

Sorry you are feeling so stressed right now, have you tried a hot bath to relax in, sometimes it helps me.

take care

Jj

Edited October 17, 2009 by SweetSue
terrible spelling, should of paid attention when i went to school

[notmary]

thank you so much for responding. I feel very alone with this.

When I reread what I wrote, I feel like the words, what he said to me, are screaming at me and that now the whole world knows what I am. It seemed like everyone today was looking at me screaming those words in their thoughts,

[SweetSue]

hi notmary,

i can relate to hearing of words, believe me when i say that no one on here is saying or thinking those things about you or toward you.

the words that HE said to you, the words that you are playing over in your mind, they are HIS words, words that come from a evil nasty mind.

you are torturing yourself, i am in no way judging you so please dont take offense, as none is intended.

i have thoughts of this nature of my own. i suffer with hearing voices, and hallucinations. not good ones. there scarey and leave me confussed and dissorientated.

i am not too well at the moment, anyway the words that HE said to you, were said to make it hurt, to cut into you, foryou to feel bad. These words are not true. please try not to believe them.

all i can say is that please try and do all you can to get help, go see your doctor tell them how you are currently feeling, they can help.

its distressing what you are going through. i hope that my words have not upset you. im trying to help, but not sure how.

we are listening and we do care about you,

please take care

Jj

[notmary]

Another long fearful night. When sleep did come it was full of "monsters" The tape keeps running and I am so afraid that everyone around me will know the truth about me.

JJ I know you said that those are his words, but theyplay in my head and now they are my words. Thank you so much for being there. I am sorry to add to your pain.

[notmary]

How do I get better when just typing out the very beginning of the story freaks me out so badly.

I want to stop hurting

[SweetSue]

Hi notmary,

You are not adding to my pain, so dont be sorry, im just trying to help, but dont know how to, or the right words to use.

Are you currently seeking any kind of therapy ?

There are different kinds, some are more helpful than others, but it can help.

Tomorrow is monday (i think) do you think you would be able to go see your gp/doctor.

Explain how you are feeling, they would be able to suggest things, and point you in the direction of a good therapist.

I know that it is daunting telling people that you are struggling and need help, would there be someone that could maybe go with you,?

take care

Jj

[notmary]

I do have a therapist. I am afraid even to tell her how basd things are because I don't want to let anyone see the real me. The pathetic slut piece of shit that i am.

[SweetSue]

Hey notmary

Ok, been there still doing that, the self hatred name calling thing, hun, you are none of those things. Seriously, you are not like that.

Is this the type of thing that you hear , or think to yourself ?, im only wondering coz well, if it is, then you have to stop believing it. i know easier said than done, i struggle with that one all the time.

When you find yourself hearing those words or even thinking them, try to think of a comeback to say either to yourself or outloud if your alone. I know its not the same thing that i am experiencing, but when my voices really kick in and i can no longer cope with them, and they start saying things to me, like what you wrote above, i just try and think of something nice to say to them, like oh, i dont know, something possitive about myself, like im a good moma, or, that im not like that, etc. Sometimes it helps.

If you are not comfortable expressing how you feel to your therapist, then please try and find the courage to see your gp/doctor

I hope that this makes sense, and helps a little

take care

Jj

[notmary]

Thank you jj for being with me through this long and scary weekend. I don't think I can let anyone I know face to face how bad things are. I am very afraid of giving up this control (what little I have left) and I can't let them see how awful I am.

[SweetSue]

Hey notmary,

I know it is scarey, seriously I do realise that. You know you wouldnt really be giving up any of your control, in seeking help from your doctor. If anything you would be regaining a little control back. You would be enabling yourself to get the help that you need to feel better, and to try and help ease some of your torment.

You are not awful, no where near. You are feeling overwhelmed by things that have happened to you, NONE of which were your fault. You need help with this notmary, this weekend has been hell for you. How much more of this can you take ? Please I urge you be brave and find your inner strength to get the help you need now. Dont leave it till things become any worse, Im not saying they will, but they might.

You have the courage to do this, just dig deep inside yourself, take a few deep breaths and go for it. you are stronger than you realise.

Either way, we are all listening, and will be here to help any way that we can.

please take care

Jj

Edited October 19, 2009 by SweetSue
too many "k"s

[notmary]

I did try calling my therapist but hung up with out leaving a message. I am so freakin afraid. I feel like a failure.

[malign]

You can't fail at being you, mary.

Success might take a bit longer, that's all.

When you started this thread, you said that remembering what was done and said to you made you think, "I hate this. I hate me."

How is it that the person who did this to you doesn't get any of the hate, just you?

You didn't do anything wrong. He did.

[notmary]

I think that I must have done something to let this happen to me. I didn't fight back. I just let him do this to me over and over and went willingly with him. I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid that I can't ever not feel this way.

[notmary]

I will see my therapist tomorrow. I will try to tell her how awful things have been of late. I have a hard time even admitting that I might have been abused to her. I have read many of the posts on here, and I want to believe that there is hope of someday not being as despondant as I am now. I don't really believe it, though.

[SweetSue]

hope that all goes alright at the therapists, and that you were able to talk about the things that are worrying you.

Take care

Jj