Guest ASchwartz Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Hi JJ,You are extremely hard on yourself. In my opinion, you are experiencing feelings of loss and anxiety in relation to your children and your fear of never seeing them again is understandable even if its not realistic. I think anyone in your situation would have the same feelings, I know I would. Of course you will see your children again but, please, be kinder and gentler to yourself.Allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Sue, You are not stupid and helpless. AND your extremely hard on yourself!!! You will be together with your children !!! Because you will do anything for them , and fight for them to win custody. Now that your out of the hospital, it is a lot easier to do so than in the hospital, and your chances have greatly improved Where are you moving to? you already have a new place? A nice place? You have talked about this place being old anyway. WE have black widows her in the U.S . The female spiders are deadly. They have purple bellies . However it ususally takes a while for the venom do do much . Those things are not very big, I have seen them in my apt, and storage . Hate em. They are fast and ugly things. Anyhow, Hope your next place is nice . mscat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted October 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 thanks Allan, Im working on ithi cathy, easier saud than donemy head is about to explode, my voices are really getting to me and all i really want to do is SCREAM, pass out and wake up on a day that is easier to deal with.not feeling very possitve, optimistic or happy todayIm just a grumpy moo, that needs to get my act together and get back on track.not giving up, love MY babies.take caresue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Sue: No one is in a up and positive mood all the time so I'll allow this even though you did go after the spiders without compassion this time. Do you have lizards? :eek: They eat the darn spiders. We have black widow and brown recluse and the brown recluse is the worst with many people getting bitten here but evidently they don't think I would be tasty, maybe just old and stringy! Works for me! Anyway, I still think this is going to work out. I worry that you are over tiring yourself though so take some time for yourself to help you keep you healthy that will ultimately show good judgment in the end I think. I'm part gypsy, really, I see good things ahead for you and your kids in my crystal ball but not without work on your part. Those kids can come back with supports until you can wing it by yourself, I know this. You say you believe in God, me too. I don't classify myself as "religious". God is with you always and you are not alone - we are all with you in spirit. What can I say to convince you:confused: - What on earth is a "moo"? Edited October 27, 2009 by GingerSnap Trying to find out what the heck a "moo" is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted October 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Hey Cathy,Thanks you made me smile, cheers hun.OK,Guess I should explain myself. (so much for me giving up code DARN). The meaning of "moo". OK, this shows just how mean I can really be (no shock there, i hoover spiders and buggs after all)"moo" (in the world of Sue)= A politer version of when someone is being a "B" (more code, that means B***h) Its when someone is or has been a right Cow toward someone I care about or towards myself. Only these kind of people understand Cow language so I guess it makes it easier on myself, when I tell them to "Moo Off", or when im really upset just a simple "Moooooo". Im not completely insane YET (honest) Guess its easier said than done to give up on my "code". I am trying though.Any more code thats in my posts that anyone is wondering about ?Thanks cathy, I hope we dont get lizards over here, (yuk) I really am such a woose, so many things make my skin crawl (YUK)Take care hunsue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted October 28, 2009 Report Share Posted October 28, 2009 Hi JjI am just thinking about you and wondering how things are going for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted October 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2009 Hi notmary, Nice to hear from you, how are you ?Me well, I guess Im ok (ish) I saw my babies today for an hour, so little time to spread between them all. so I was kinda hyper this morningI absoulutely loved seeing my children, it was so good for us to be all together again. special moments of I love yous. It was a moment I thought that we would never share again, so it was the bestest hour we have had for months.Now Im deflated crushed and raw. Saying bye to my kids again. So cruel, so unfair, its painful for all of us. My kids screaming coz they wanted to come home. And then I had to watch as they wrenched them from my arms again. So yeah not doing too good. I feel rubbish. and my kids do too. Some moma I am eh?Cant even ease or sooth my babies tears. Im not allowed to. Unable to, and that quite honestly is ripping what was left of my heart up.Still always tomorrow........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Just cant cope and now this is just all too much. my head wants to explode and i feel so stupid keep telling myself to dtop being suchh a baby coz apparently im supposed to be like a proper grown up now, and yet all i want to do is curl up in a ball and just hide till i become invisible. this is just all too much and really i havnt a clue how to cope or if i even want to do all this anymore coz i am just not strong enough and all i keep doing is messing everything up and i dont want to be like this but how the heck can i go on in this way. things are changing all the time around me, people manage to just move on and deal and yet im still stuck here allowing everything to spiral out of my control. im just freaking Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Sue: I'm not sure what to say. My heart goes out to you. I pray that some how there will be a break through. You are often in my thoughts and I hope you are feeling better soon. Cathy:) John Rutledge 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 thanks Cathy, it kinda helps just knowing that someone wants to help. i just feel so alone and no one understands but then again how could they possibly, this whole site is full of kind hearted people and well quite honestly im filled with evil and its over taken my life, and i dont know how to get it out of my system. im sure once upon a while ago i wasnt mean, but these days it dosnt seem possible anymore. too many years of evil invading my inner being and now it just feels trapped there and the longer its inside its growing and its kinda freaking me out coz if the evil dont find a escape route soon im gonna explode, or atleast thats how it feels anyway. evrything is just too much and i dont think its ever gonna change. life just sucks right now and i cant even pretend that im in a good mood or pretend that im happy. what the heck is the point when its so blatently obvious things are just pointless. life is for the living but in a way im kinda dead inside already, so what do i do, instead of fighting the way im feeling its overwhelming me i feel so helpless, theres nothing anyone can do coz at the end of the day i have to somehow beat this myself on my own coz i am so very alone and ive run out of energy to keep fighting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Sue: Evil has not taken you over and you are not evil. When someone is evil, they can't even pretend to not be evil and they cannot fake compassion even. You are just exhausted. Trust me on this, if they get your sleeping situation straightened out, you will be able to sort things out and will have the strength to carry on. If you were located closer to where I lived, I would be glad to come and give you support in person but that just isn't possible but I continue to believe in you - I would not say this if I did not mean it as it would be against my moral code. A move to London as in the other post - maybe this will get you over the "hump". Cathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Hi JJ,I know that you believe you are "filled with evil." However, you need to know that is a delusion or a symptom of your mental illness. Remind yourself of that and fight against it because it is not real. A delusion is a false and untrue belief. You are a very warm and compassionate person and that comes through in your posts. Plus, people are not evil. People have problems and illnesses but that is not evil. I feel the same way as Gingersnap. Thanks Ginger.Allan John Rutledge 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted November 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 hey,well evil it does exist its there in me, i can feel it, oh i dont expect anyone to understand, its ok. the doctors dont believe me on this issue either. they reckon as you do Allan, but thats coz they are good kindhearted people, they cant see the evil, coz its something that cant be seen its a feeling an emotion and it consumes me, it use to just run through my viens, but know it is me. i have even tried to look at it logically, but i cant it cant be done, sometimes logic does not have a place. not everything is explainable, or even treatable, not everything can be cured with a pill, some times it is just as it is. This is just how i am, how i have become, and its alll i am now. its kinda freaking me a lot, but then a lot of things freak me, so i guess it just dosnt matter anymore, sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted November 4, 2009 Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 Sue: I still think that when they get your medications right that you are going to see everything differently. I think maybe think new place in London could be the ticket. It will take awhile for them to figure out where that should go with the treatment but different staff can make so much difference. Anger can feel like evil, I think anyway. When I am really angry, I feel evil and when I don't sleep :eek:, but luckily that is rare for those people around me. You have reason to be angry over your situation so maybe your "evil" feeling isn't any more than that. I would never try to tell you how you feel since I hate it when someone tells me how I feel or should feel. I can tell you how I feel and darn it, I feel that you aren't evil and that this new location is going to pay off. We see great value in having you on the forum, I always look forward to reading your posts both about yourself and the comfort and wisdom that you share with others having problems. You have so much to offer others. Cathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted November 4, 2009 Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 Sue: I forgot to say that I like your magic wand. Cathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted November 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2009 thanks cathykinda really struggling today, meds have really been altered and well im kinda really feeling the evil in me right now. thankyou for your ongoing support hun, just need to dissapear for a while i think.take caresue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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