I just dont think I can do this

[SweetSue]

oh,

I dont know, maybe im being stupid, nothing new there, but I really dont think I can do this

[Guest GingerSnap]

Well, I'm going to dispute that. So, what are your choices? You can give up or you can fight your way back. Does anybody real see Jj not being able to do this? You are down at the moment but you'll get back up before the count of 10. OK, you are doing this for you because this is what you want and what you need. You need it for you. Getting back the kids will be the icing on the cake. It is perfectly normal when taking on a big challenge to have many, many moments where you feel like you can't do it, want to give up, or just scream and scream about how life is unfair! Change takes an enormous amount of energy and no one has an unlimited amount of energy. I believe in you. Hang in there!

[SweetSue]

i think things are just getting to me, im hurting, it just seems like there is so much i have to do, this time feels like its beyond me, the workload is so damn heavy, and i havnt got a clue where to begin.

poeple say to concentrate on getting better, but how can i, when the other stuff just cant wait. i want to just hide from it all.

[malign]

I found a quotation from one of 'finding my way's favorite poets, a while back. His name is John Cage, and all he said was:

Begin Anywhere.

[SweetSue]

Catch 22

unknown

thanks

[Guest GingerSnap]

Can you be more specific as to what you are needing to do or how we can help at least? I don't want to invade your privacy at all but maybe we can help sort it out and find a beginning point? You have to do this.

[SweetSue]

Well I guess the main thing is for me to get well enough to get out of hospital, dont think that anyone in here can really help with that one, (obviously apart from listening and helping me when I get overwhelmed) The only people realistickly that can help me with that are the Drs and Nurses here. Take there Meds do there therapy etc....(although if anyone has a magic wand, well i would appreiciate it) Ultimately it is down to me to try and get my emotions into some kind of control, as when I get emotional,and overwhelmed, it sends all the symptoms of my illnessess haywire.

In amongst getting well I have to attend various appointments with S/Workers, my Solicitor, and advocacy worker. Have conference meetings with the various agencies, fill in ten ton of paper work, and attend court.

One of my biggest problems is well, the paperwork side of things, as I cant 1, find the motivation to do it, 2. not get upset , to the state that I can nolonger see through my tears, 3. I get myself so worked up that I get overwhelmed. then I get messed up coz everything seems louder, scarier (mainly due to the voices, when I get stressed they kick in louder)

[Guest GingerSnap]

This may not help but what about having a positive image that you use when you are stressed out - like envisioning a happy moment from the past when you were with the kids and things in your life were good. That is what I do when I am stressed out, I think about a good memory - someone's smiling approving face and the warm feelings that brought and it gives me that moment of distraction that helps me re-center myself. Also, when I was younger if I had an appointment or something I was going to and dreading it (I hate appointments!), I would carry this little silver medallion that says "Good Luck" and has my full name on it - my dad made it on a machine at Silver Beach when we were there in the 60's and that is dad with me so I was OK then - I keep it safely tucked away, just in case I need it. I attended so many meetings when my son with DS was in school and he was a problem for them so I always knew it was going to be me against sometimes 12 people discussing what do with my son (they wanted to do things like strap him in his chair or put him in a closet for punishment - I mostly homeschooled because despite how hard I fought, they usually won) and this was terrible so I needed to strengthen my backbone and psyche myself out so I listened to Led Zepplin and Alice Cooper just before going into battle, really loud like for an hour or two before I went to the meeting. Now, the paperwork is a real problem for me and I will avoid paperwork whenever possible and if anyone has a way to make that more tolerable - please share. I just usually put it on the table so I have to keep seeing it until I get it done - I try to do it quickly, like taking bad tasting medicine. I have been through so many meetings about my son and some they insisted on coming to the house - last year 9 people showed up at my house and then took a tour to see his room - I don't like my space violated like that and I was very annoyed with the situation - they never actually help with anything but put in their time to collect their $$$$. Sometimes, I just want to take my son, dog and some provisions and have them drop us in Alaska (beautiful state - I was there in the 70's) where monthly they fly over and drop our supplies down from the air and life would be good, no more noise, no more paperwork, just nature, beauty, snow sports, snow forts, snow men, well, snow a whole lot of things! Well, can't escape today:( as the case manager is supposed to show up but maybe tomorrow? Hang in there!

[SweetSue]

Hi Gingersnaps,

Thankyou for the reply.

I try to remember my memories, sometimes it helps, but sometimes it makes me realise the time we have lost, and that loss just overwhelms me.Times of when the kids were playing in the garden with bubles or playing hide and seek, once when I frist moved here I thought I lost my son whilst playing hide and seek. spent ages looking for him, my heart was in my mouth, I was panicking, searhed all over for the little munckin. eventually found him inside his pillow case. I was in tears, but he found it funny, , and after a moment I did too. My son is very clever he had only just turned 3. Most 3 year olds I know hide in easy to find places. Little rascal, damn I miss them.

I hate conference meetings, I feel so out of place. The last one I went to there was about 25, people there. All suited and booted. Ok, thankfully i had the sense to wear a suit myself, But it is so hard, with that amount of people all sat round this huge table, listening as they talk about my children, and how wonderful they are.(like give me a break, I dont need any pro, to tell me that.) Listening as they gloat about the things each of my kids are capable of doing, taking the credit for stuff I tought them to do. Its so infuriating, words can not express the feelings that rage through me. I dont get angry, I couldnt if I wanted to. Im usually fighting back the tears within the first 10 mins or so. These meetings take about 3 hours. And my solisitor is not allowed to be present (typical). Havnt a clue what they are on about half the time I havnt a clue what I am even signing. They just say they will send me the copies of all paperwork, and the minutes of the meetings. I think ive had 4 of these conferences , as yet still no paperwork, theres always an excuse as to why, there good at that.

And now im waffling just coz im upset again, sorry

Take care

sue

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: I don't understand why you can't have someone with you as that sort of thing seems like, well, they should have a law for that and I understand how overwhelmed you must be with all those people. And, the signing of papers - don't these people have a copy machine in the building! I would respectfully ask for those copies and read them over carefully. I do know signing stacks of papers under pressure and wondering what you signed afterward. I hope that I did not upset you with my suggestions. Yes, the school always liked to brag up my son's accomplishments of which they were not responsible - they didn't teach him squat! That's typical of work situations too - everyone tried to take credit when they aren't due. Knew someone long ago and they told me that in life "You have to play the game." and stop fighting the system and I even got a cassette about learning to dance with life and that turned out to be the same message "You have to play the game." You must put in your best effort though because you won't be satisfied with yourself unless you do - I can see that, saw that from the first post I read that you made. I do know how overwhelming this situation is - a you against the world it must feel like, but we're there with you in spirit. My best, Cathy

[SweetSue]

Thanks Cathy,

I must sound like a right whinger, like a kid thats had her toys taken from her. "Woe is me, Im as woe as a woe could be". I try not to be like that. my heart is broken, and well sometimes, I thiink I do end up feeling sorry for myself. time for me too just try and focus long enough to learn how to "play the game". I may not have much of a chance to win this battle but Im darn sure Im going to try my best not to cave under the pressure, certainly going to fight with all I have left, or die trying.

I wish I was one of those clever people, Im not though, so Im just gonna have to keeep on with the studies, look up the hundreds of words that are way to hard to understand and well hope for the best.

Thankyou for all your help and encouragement, it means a lot, and it helps me to keep going, so thanks

take care

sue

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: Just understand that what you are feeling isn't that different from what everyone feels, the frustration and hopelessness at times are normal. Life is a game anymore - a complicated one. Everyone has to fit into this description of what normal is and the perimeters have really tightened up - I have to keep checking to see if I still fit:D. Kind of like "one size fits all" - it doesn't fit me, what is that saying about me?:eek: Well, I'm OK with me so they can whatever it takes for them to deal with it and you are going to get there too. Generally the more difficult the task, the greater the reward so, imagine your reward with this one! All my best, Cathy

[SweetSue]

Thanks Cathy,

I will get there in the end (where ever there is) Hopefully things will work out in the long run. Im a bit more focussed today, and well Im on a mission. (typical its the weekend, when I finally get my bum into gear) Still, tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it wont be worse than today, and well if I can cope with yesterday, theres a chance I can cope with tomorrow too.

Thanks for all your support

take care

sue

[SweetSue]

Well tonight is my first night at home (eeek) its a tad scarey, its so quiet out here in the sticks, probably dosnt help having sensitive hearing, its blowing a gall outside and this is a creaky old house. and i feel like a kid !!!

still goal 1 kinda accomplished (yay)

now the hard work really starts, time to try and move onto goal 2, whilst maintaining goal 1.

Although im still ill, and have to have the crisis team here 3/4 times a day (to check on me) and I have to attend day hospital during the week, Its still progress, and leaves me now with more time to concentrate on bringing the kids home.

I just hope that I can do this, that somehow from somewhere, I can kick start my brain properly and not fail my Children further.

After all this is what my life is all for, the four angels that are my heart,

So thanks to all for the ongoing help, support and encouragement, hopefully soon, I will be able to achieve the rest of my goals, :-)

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: Did you hear me cheering? "She's home, she's home!" I'm so proud of you. Yes, I know the creaky old house thing and I spend a lot of time in the house alone with the dog and we get terrible winds, not even going into what the trains have been like hauling coal lately but you are home. Now, you can do this, I know it and you know it. We love Walt Disney and been to Disney World 8 or 9 times - a dream realized for me as I stood near Spaceship Earth at Epcot as never in a million years did I, who grew up poor, ever expect that wonderful moment - and as you probably know, Walt Disney also said, "If you can dream it, you can do it." - I use that one all the time as I stubbornly try to move ahead when the weight of world seems to be on my shoulders. Again, I'm so proud of you, Sue. My best, Cathy

[Donna]

its fantastic you're home.

it's bound feel a bit strange at first the quietness,different surroundings and so on.

you've not failed your children at all! dont think that for one moment from everything ive read so far you are doing everything you can for them,it's not your fault you're ill.

its great you can now spend more time working on getting them back,but try to have some rest,time to get used to your new situation you need time to adjust - dont burn yourself out.

enjoy your new found freedom!

all the very best with everything, Donna

[SweetSue]

Hey Donna,

It does feel wierd being at home, (totally) I think whilst Ive been away the spiders have moved in from the nearby countryside. (gross). my house looks like a bombs hit it. cant face cleaning today, wiill do it tonight. Its funny how dirty a house actually gets even when no ones been in it for months !!!

Its kind of you to say I havent failed my kids, but in my heart I feel I have. Im there moma, and well I havnt been able to be there moma for 3 months now, and that (in my minds eye) means ive failed them. It probably dosnt make sense (not much about the way i think does) its just how I feel. But in a warped way that is a good feeling for me to have, it makes me all the more determined in getting my kids back home, then somehow I can make all this time and sadness (I have caused my children) up to them.

I am trying not to burn myself out, but i have no time spare to rest, this is way too important for my kids, I need to do this right and time is running out. so much to do ~ its crazy.

Thanks donna

take care

sue

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy,

Thankyou, I didnt hear you cheering (guess sound cant travel half way round the world) but I certainly felt it !!! Cheers hun. :-)

Thanks for the encouragement, it helps to keep me going, this is so very hard. I am going to try my best for my children, and Im never going to give up (even though at times its a close call). its what all kids deserve from there moma, and well I want them to have the best life, preferabley with me. I love them so much and in my heart I know they love me. So this has to happen so that our family can be together.

The house, dosnt feel like my home anymore, way to quiet, I cant even fave going upstairs yet, coz I know it will knock me back seeing my childrens toys and belongings, there rooms, gosh I just cant do it. I just stay in the kitchen, less reminders there.

Tomorrow I may feel stronger, but for today, Im not risking it. I dont want to get too overwhelmed and emotional, if I can help it.

Thanks Cathy

Take care

sue

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: You're a good mom because you went for help and are working hard on yourself so you can be the best mom possible. Somehow I just know this is going to work out and, strangely, I am pretty good at predicting the future potential of others and I won't go into detail but you can trust me on this. Yes, going upstairs could be hard but unlike my situation where my older son moved away forever, your kids are coming back to make more memories. After my older son went away to college, I would walk by his empty room and until we moved from that house, it just devastated me that my "baby" would never be there with his stereo blasting (Madonna & the posters:eek:), dirty dishes under the bed, Victoria's Secret catalog under his mattress, dirty socks - gosh, now why was I sorry he went off to college? Take tiny steps, don't just throw yourself into the situations full force. There is just something about your posts that tells me you are a winner! I know it will be hard and you will get frustrated, sad and maybe feel it is hopeless but that is, unfortunately, normal for everyone. You needed help, you went for help - a good mom does that. I sort of like spiders except the poisonous ones!

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy,

Im sorry your oldest no longer lives at home, you must miss him dearly, (probably dont miss the mess though, eh ?)

Spiders are OK I guess, I have nothing against them personally, normally I have a great phobia of them. The ones in this house well there elephant sized (well there big), normally I used to hoover them up (cruel, I know) probably gonna have loads of "save the spider" protesters on this thread now. (hey hum). Then I'd put the hoover in the garden for a day or two, so the spider has time to escape. (I have 2 hoovers soley for this purpose). But for some reason, the spiders arent bothering me today, just watch them to make sure they aint getting too close.

Not sure how I'd cope if they were poisenous. (scarey) dont think we have the dangerous kind in england, just scarey ones, and obviously Very Big.

As for whether this will all work out or not, Well I dont know, it depends on so many things and so many people. Alll I can say is, Im gonna give it my all, so I guess time will tell, the adoption panel is in Jan, that gives me a little time to get on top of things, So watch this space...........................

Take care hun,

thankyou

sue

[Donna]

im with gingersnap, going for help was the act of a very caring unselfish mum i understand how you feel though, i had those exact same feelings for a long time and then one day somebody (my teen son) pointed out to me while it worked out badly, it takes a good mum to actively seek help in the interest of her children you had their welfare first and foremost in your mind and heart, but i know no matter how many times anybody says that you wont accept it until your children are old enough and wise enough to be able to tell you that themselves...and they will.

spiders urrgh i hate them ,i dont kill them but thats cos i dont go near them lol, we do have a poisonous spider in the uk now :eek: a woman was almost killed by one, apparantly its small and blue in colour..so if you see one get that hoover out then run lol

naa dont worry it's only been found in a different part of the country!

[mscat]

Congradulations !!!!! Sue you are out of the Hospital YAY ! Yes they are are supervising you right now , but this is to make sure you are kept safe . A out patient day plan does not seem too bad , at least your not inside anymore . Now you can make steps and goals to fight for your children. Your on your way to recovery, and it is not happened all at once , will take time, however your still on the right path. Try to be positive. I know it is so hard . Your making progress though, and this is wonderful.

Cathy

[SweetSue]

Thanks, Donna, thanks Cathy.

Hey Donna, you were joking about the spiders....... right?

Didnt think we had posionous ones here, erm, not gonna take the risk, looks like I have some more hoovering to do :-)

[Donna]

nope it's deadly and kills quite fast, the woman bitten is lucky to be alive. scientists think global warming is giving the venemous spiders a chance to thrive in the uk.

i had nightmares when i saw it on the news..i have a bit of a phobia of them, anything smaller than a kitten and im a quivering wreck lol

[SweetSue]

Hey Donna, yea , thats it Im taking no risks, Im hoovering up anything that crawls within eyesight, I hate insects. And I dont care now if its cruel or mean, or if it brings out the save the spider campaigners !!!!

********************

Well I have had a mixed day, made some progress (i think) and then I took a bit of a back track a while ago, im not whining (i dont think) Im just expressing (yay)

Started boxing up ready for when I move, and well I think that it was way too soon for me to deal with it. So kinda feeling like Im failing at all this recovery rubbish (mmm add down trodden to that, and maybe rude too) Maybe I just need to look at it differently. Think the biggest mistake was when packing some of lily's baby toys away and before I could stop myself , thought that this would be the last time I saw them or her. Stupid, irrational , both possibilities. But once that thougght had enterred. Geeez, now I cant budge it, and that is stupid, in turn makes me feel stupid and hopeless.

Ok, finished whinging (possibly), need to move on again, onward, hopefully upwards and kick start my brain cell. Such a Drama Queen